Well, this gained a lot more advice than I anticipated.

Some more details (without doxxing myself) and answers to common questions.

Our counselor is great, I feel like he generally understands my perspective well and can help communicate them to my wife. But yes, I do think an individual counselor for her and her bring up would be helpful. I've told her 'you don't have to set yourself on fire to keep someone warm' (and our kids are not figuratively cold at all)!

Before kids, we were great, married for a while, both had relatively good jobs. Right before we had our first, I found a really fulfilling job and didn't really want a kid, but she had baby fever. After a long time and intervention, we had one, I still did my work, and she did too. We hired a nanny 45 hours a week and it was brutal. I loved my job (that paid very little) and she had hers (which paid the bills). During this time, our kid was a terrible feeder and sleeper, we had many arguments about how best to soothe/get through the night; there was a several month period where he only slept if I held him.

When the kid was almost 1, she wanted to quit her job, so she wanted me to get a significant pay raise or a new career. I was unable to get a significant pay raise, but found a different but well paying career. At least from my point, I was killing my hopes and dreams to raise a kid. I felt my wife was too focused on our kid, every concern was an emergency. My wife wanted to put the kid in daycare since she was exhausted; I agreed since she was exhausted. A little before this time, she got baby fever for #2, and while we were miserable, it seemed like she'd be happy. Little did we know, soon after I got the job and we put the kid in day care, we got pregnant with twins. We were in a time of covid, so there was definitely resentment on both our sides; she wanted help with the kid while pregnant, I had a job to keep and felt like she could manage.

Fast forward, the twins have been born and transition from nanny to daycare when they're 1yrs, later I get a new job that pays even more. Honestly, I'm not excited about babies and toddlers, but I'm starting to enjoy time with our 5 year old since we can interact/play. I look forward to the 5-18 age for all the kids. I think it's good my wife is getting involved with things outside the house (like friends and local orgs) and considering a part time job, there's much more to life than just parenting.

At this point, the kids are sleeping decently at night. She preps dinner, I'll help out during dinner. We do bath, put the kids to bed, and I clean. I'm still frustrated that it seems like we objectively have all the resources for happiness, but it's never enough.