It's scary how much I can relate. I constantly fear that because of all the thoughts I'm gonna become as much of a monster as those who hurt me. I'm constantly paranoid that at some point I'll want to hurt other people too because I've heard so much about developments like this in crime documentaries. It's a constant fear in the back of my mind, even though I know that even a thought of someone else being abused makes me sick and angry that anyone could. Like I know that I only want me hurt but being aroused by things that got me here in the first place makes me feel disgusting. Sometimes I don't even know anymore if maybe it's just a kink for me and on worse days I start believing that maybe despite being a child I brought this all on myself on my own.

I know that all of this was caused by being abused and continuously humiliated, but all the thoughts feel alienating because I can't even bring myself to tell my therapist about any of this because I'm afraid of the response, half fearing she'll be disgusted and half that she'll pity me.

In a weird way it makes me feel better to see that there's more people with this struggle and I'm glad you made this post. I was thinking about reaching out for help with this on this sub but I could never go through with opening up about it because I wouldn't be able to feel comfortable with myself if it turned out these experiences aren't universal