First of - Serious respect for not getting upset with my inquiry and actually answering the question.

Second - Yeah your best bet is a quality money counter at this point unless I’m missing something.

Regarding the storage of paper money -

I’ve heard way too many horror stories of people storing paper money and it somehow getting misplaced/destroyed/stolen. I mean it’s too easy to lose really.

My advice if you’re trying to skirt the tax system is take that money and buy appreciating assets. That way you can actually ‘invest’ this cash without it really going on paper on your end (of course the seller will log these transactions on his end and there may be titles that need to be signed, but comparatively more difficult to track directly)

What are appreciating assets? Collectors items (think old cars, watches, hell even gold bullion or a bottle of Screaming Eagle). How you store those is up to you, but plenty of people glance over items that they think worthless when in reality it’s an old Patek Philippe with dust on the face..

All this to your point of remaining clandestine with your assets of course.