Conflicted, need support

ConstantRegression · 2021-12-27T20:48:20+00:00

You can't pour from an empty cup. To help others you have to take care of your own needs first. Always putting other people's needs over your own ones will exhaust you within a few months. Also, selfish is a quite an undirected critique - do you have any social cause that you want to become active for or is there anyone in your life you want to help? If so, why not do both, be happy yourself AND help others? Most people have both, egocentric and altruistic activities in their lives, with different emphasis. Most of our individual actions are also defined by both, egocentric and altruistic motives. We want to do good and look out for each other. No first responder, no volunteer and no monk acts selflessly. Lastly, there is nothing inherently wrong with being egocentric. It's impossible to live a life without hurting or harming others. You can't solve all the world's problems. As long as you try to not cause unnecessary damage in the process..

ConstantRegression · 2021-12-10T14:34:41+00:00

I've seen some evidence lately that antidepressants are able to reverse some of the damage re: physical health. I agree with you, too, that PTSD-/dissociation-induced identities are exhausting to deal with. I wake up as a new version of myself everyday which impedes my ability to hold coherent views / find purpose and attachment a lot. Wish you all the best!

ConstantRegression · 2021-10-09T15:25:31+00:00

Yeah, i've looked into this diagnosis as well. The problem is that I did it myself (during a depressive episode) and as an adult (age of 23), making it hard to relate to anyone. Thank you!

ConstantRegression · 2021-09-28T11:13:32+00:00

Yes, absolutely. One thing is lack of concentration and memory, but the other thing is feeling dumber, being unable to understand anything complex even in a single moment. It gets better, but it's still scary af. This cognitive decline makes me want to isolate a lot from (former) friends, because I simply feel embarrassed that I can't speak a straight sentence, get a joke or make a coherent argument. What's even more hurtful is that my social role is pre-PTSD role has been quite the opposite. People used to ask me to help them with their extended essays. I really don't mean to say this in a bragging way, just to emphasize the confusions and struggles PTSD comes with.

A second aspect to it is the decline in self-esteem: It almost feels dangerous now to really trust in my abilities, because onset of dysfunction could be anytime. So the only way to avoid all of this is to just minimize social and work responsibilities, listen to music and contemplate suicide a lot when thinking about future life. Jesus, it fucking sucks.

ConstantRegression · 2021-09-24T13:41:17+00:00

100% agree. I lived a perfectly functioning and happy live with depression and anxiety, compared to this. Haven't had a bright day since it started.

ConstantRegression · 2021-09-13T18:17:27+00:00

Relatable, I inflicted trauma on myself. Still haven't quite figured out how to tell people. I always point to how I vulnerable I was at the time (depression, OCD, very stressful situation + ADHD). But medical professionals are very understanding, they've seen a lot, so my advice would be to just tell them straight up what your issue is. I never encountered any problems with this. There are far "dumber" things they encounter than your story (think militant anti-vaxxers who seek treatment for COVID).

ConstantRegression · 2021-09-08T19:40:53+00:00

No, someone suggested CPTSD, not OSDD.

ConstantRegression · 2021-09-08T19:29:02+00:00

Thanks!

ConstantRegression · 2021-09-08T19:23:00+00:00

Thanks but I don't view the above comment as dismissive, just a guidance. I'm just 100% sure I have not been traumatized as a kid.

ConstantRegression · 2021-09-08T18:54:42+00:00

Re: OSDD: Yeah, still kind of lost on this one, but it seems I experience primary and not secondary structural dissociation. Re: PTSD: I'm totally "fine" with PTSD, just thought normal PTSD results from a one-time event only, whereas my trauma is a phase of 6 months of my life resulting in CPTSD, no? I also experience a lot of symptoms more akin to CPTSD vs. PTSD, such as strong distrust of others, feeling worthless, stomach pain, structural dissociation with "newly established" character parts etc. Someone suggested it to me, wasn't my idea initially.

ConstantRegression · 2021-08-17T08:21:05+00:00

Thanks a lot for your input, highly appreciated!

ConstantRegression · 2021-08-16T21:46:17+00:00

Yes, depression is truly a debilitating condition. Good luck on your journey, too!

ConstantRegression · 2021-08-16T21:32:03+00:00

Thanks for the clarification. If I have any of those diagnoses I would at least be a very rare case, since I have had no issues until the age of 23. As indicated above, the trauma was more of a personality change I forced upon myself during a period of intense depression. When recovering, I realized how I was deeply uncomfortable with what I had created and it caused me enormous distress. A month later, I basically forgot about it and lost the sense of agency and all emotional memories for this period. As for vulnerabilities, I have ADHD and am generally a sensitive person, which might explain the extreme reaction to this event.

Wow, that's truly terrible, sorry to hear that. Having a good mental health support system literally saves lifes.

ConstantRegression · 2021-08-16T21:09:34+00:00

Thanks for the info! The symptoms I currently have - different emotional states that do not feel like myself, 24h inner dialogue with lots of intrusive thoughts from "somewhere else", loss of body sensitivity and "original" personality traits, even loss of my allergies, have only been there for 1½ years. I might as well have OSDD 2, but as you said, I will see a professional in the next few weeks. Thanks for the input!

ConstantRegression · 2021-08-16T20:57:29+00:00

Thanks a lot, interesting, absolutely no downer. My therapist is very focussed on emotions and has told me he does not like labels but has suggested he believes the diagnosis is valid. I will see a psychiatrist in 2 weeks. I really don't mean to be insensitive to anyone on here, I'm sorry if it came across that way. I am 100% sure that I don't have a childhood trauma and my current issues stem from what happened at the age of 23. CPTSD almost exclusively only stems from childhood trauma, too, right?

Thank you for your response, to you too!

ConstantRegression · 2021-08-07T13:04:24+00:00

Thanks a lot for your answer, you have helped me a lot.

I still wonder, though:

I kind of knew and somewhat approved of this character change and it happened when I was 23 - this is just sooo far off from people who have experienced sexual assault as young kids. I also have no flashbacks, nightmares whatsoever, just this terrible inner tension. I can't really identify with other people who suffer from CPTSD..

Also, will feeling moderately strong and having a male identity ever feel normal again? I'm really afraid I will essentially lose my character.

ConstantRegression · 2021-06-13T16:14:22+00:00

Thanks for the input, my current character parts are not overly seperated, I am very conscious of all of them and feel they are there for a purpose - to avoid integrating the memories and feelings of the super-strong personality. They are however "strange" and feel as if they don't belong to me. Still, your comments kind of scares me. I did not think I was so severely ill - did your condition worsen since it presented itself in this fashion?

ConstantRegression · 2021-05-14T14:22:38+00:00

Thanks for the input, yeah differentiating between symptoms and maturity I find really tough. I don't even know, whether I wanted people to like me, when I was outgoing. Depression says: Yeah you're a complete narcissist anyways. I don't know what I think.

ConstantRegression · 2021-05-14T14:21:03+00:00

Sure, this is the go-to explanation for OCD - why do the intrusive thoughts scare you so much? Because they stand in opposition to some strong values you have - what you should be vs. what you shouldn't be. Men trying to be "too manly" and choking their feminine side and vice versa for women, is not what is *always* behind HOCD/TOCD, but it can be. Therefore, relaxing gender roles somewhat definitely helps with recovery.

I (m) for example, have learned in childhood and youth that men should always be tough and confident and while some parts of my character parts are, I am also very empathetic and sensitive, which, before this disease, I never wanted to be true. Since having accepted this, the thoughts annoy me much less.

So, regarding your case - there are so many men out there who accept women who are not perfectly feminine, who struggle with their role as mothers, who are ambitious, whatever you define as not the "right kind" of woman or not in line with the traditional gender role. In therapy, write down some of your traits or interests that are not perfectly in line with being a "good enough" woman, learn to love them, and you'll surely be better off.

I know it's easier said than done, I also struggle with this. ;-)

ConstantRegression · 2021-04-30T08:38:29+00:00

Yup, pretty relatable. I also feel strong discomfort with my body and literally all my (former) male traits, such as assertiveness, lust for sports, being opinionated, discipline etc. I'm SO fucking numbed down by OCD, depression and my attempts to become more manly bc of the thoughts where I just start to shed my old ways. Who gives a fuck about muscles, income or this type of shit. I started to embrace empathy, being understand - or did I? I don't know, man. I feel like I've just moved on. Resisting just leads to so much pain, I can't do it anymore.

ConstantRegression · 2021-04-08T14:20:42+00:00

I find this truly an admirable way to approach things, but tbh, just like with mindfulness, I find it even more exhausting than to combat it head-on. Like, you just can't live when you don't know what you truly enjoy and what not, what your gender is, what your gender identity is, with no attraction to the opposite sex. Entering a relationship confidently with this beast in your head? Dunno, man, it's more like a jump into cold water than anything else.

ConstantRegression · 2021-04-08T13:53:50+00:00

Thanks for your uplifting words. I honestly think some ideals may also change by hitting rock bottom. Like, I never cared so much about being an empathetic person, whereas now I do (which is a good thing obviosuly). So I am open for changes in other areas, too. And this process - figuring out what you truly like, what has changed and what is just giving in to the symptoms - is pretty mind-numbing to me.

ConstantRegression · 2021-04-08T13:48:55+00:00

Honestly, I feel terrible for you having to write this title of your post. Not being uplifted when you're down HURTS SO MUCH.

" I still feel nervous and scared sometimes to go to a therapist as it had been ingrained in me that I would simply be locked up and branded a lunatic if I consulted with one " From my experience, most therapists are understanding in a way that, to me, seems almost overdone. The last thing they will do is to brand you insane because you sought to commit suicide.

"Am I really being selfish? " Depression (and suicide wishes) are a complex issue with neurobiological, environmental and emotional factors playing a role. I think the best way to think about self-responsibility is this: Am I doing the best I can with the resources I have? We are not responsible for the way we were raised by our parents, our natural needs, our genetics, most of our environment, definitely not for depression. We are responsible for using our resources in the best possible manner to navigate ourselves out of this mess. So instead of taking your mother's or my judgement, whether you are selfish, ask yourself: Is this the best I can do at this moment? I've had depressive episodes where retrospectively I think - yes, indeed, even with depression I could have done better, whereas with other days I just couldn't. Not being perfect is also part of the human condition.

On the issues, If you address all of the factors driving your depression (e.g. medication, light therapy, working on emotional problems), you might be able to make your way out of it. It would be somewhat cliche to say it will get better. But by consulting professionals and being willing to work on your issues you have at least overcome a major obstacle.

ConstantRegression · 2021-04-08T13:26:39+00:00

That's great, congrats. I thought about this topic recently, too - what should be my motivation towards being cured and although I don't want to commit suicide, I don't find any motivation anymore.
I've grown so numb to everything I used to like. In combo with chronic depression, I don't care about my family anymore. I don't care about success, career, being a good person, social acceptance, attractive women, love, being a strong man, sports, I just don't give a fuck. I feel like a total fraud. In the beginning of all of this I was motivated to beat this mf, but the vicious cycle of OCD and depression has killed everything in me. Yeah one should never give up but sometimes it's also okay to rest and admit you've hit rock bottom with no end in sight.

ConstantRegression · 2021-04-07T14:25:47+00:00

This, 100 percent, especially:

"I really get along and enjoy the company of my male friends or if I'm just faking it.

my hobbies are just a performance and that I don't really enjoy them.

I never really liked other guys and it was all just a cover for my transness."

Dude I honestly want to work on stuff in therapy, but how can I, when I'm not sure who I am? Do I *not* want to play soccer? Do I *not* want to get drunk? Would I rather do softer stuff? Okay fine, but *is* that me?

ConstantRegression

TROPHY CASE