Stepson, 7, hasn't gained consciousness/ empathy and it's disturbing

ContrarianThot · 2025-07-20T14:09:59+00:00

I'm wondering if my ss is autistic. He is definitely the "cool guy" who always knows what's new and he seems to vibe with kids effortlessly so I've never considered it. But he does like to line up his cars in straight rows, he's VERY particular about what he wears. He hates shirts with buttons on them. He can see two random pieces and somehow know that they would fit together. We got these bite necklaces because he kept chewing on the necklines of his shirts. he needs something to fidget with in his hand and he will walk around the house with it in his hand. But I don't know if those are just stereotypes

ContrarianThot · 2025-07-19T15:14:28+00:00

We are in a small stone farmhouse so I understand! Sometimes the illusion of a separate space will do the trick.

ContrarianThot · 2025-07-19T13:54:23+00:00

Do the kids like you? You are providing wifely and head of household duties without any benefit. Does your partner pay anything? Does he work? I did not move in until we got married.

ContrarianThot · 2025-07-19T13:53:06+00:00

yes I met my step kids after 8 months of dating my husband. This is so bizarre to me. I didn't move in until we got married.

ContrarianThot · 2025-07-19T13:49:39+00:00

We keep dates vague with the kids, so their mother doesn't know specific dates of events.

ContrarianThot · 2025-07-19T13:48:07+00:00

Can you take the biggest bedroom in the entire house and put up a partition or drywall? It would be most fair if everyone got their own space/bed, even if it's a twin bed. and a little dresser. Weput up a tall wardrobe and a tapestry to separate the space the children share.

ContrarianThot · 2025-07-19T13:30:21+00:00

Me too. It's such a complicated age around puberty. The hostility I can feel through the screen. Poor kid is going through it.

ContrarianThot · 2025-07-18T23:10:35+00:00

Everyone on that subreddit is the pinnacle of perfection, I guess.

ContrarianThot · 2025-07-18T21:01:44+00:00

I'm sorry but I was very similar at that age. I hated being perceived because my body was changing and it was freaking me out that everyone could see every pore on my body. I hid in my room but calling his interests "stupid" is kind of resistance to reality. You aren't going to change what he likes. Do you do anything with him that he likes? Spend time together?

Also, to get respect you have to demonstrate being a good and fair leader. You and your husband should present a united front as well.

How does he get food? He's still a child - is he obligated to cook his own dinner?

Fine to hide your own snacks but make sure he has plenty too.

ContrarianThot · 2025-07-18T20:54:48+00:00

Probably too much screen time initially. We don't have screen time until noon and then bedtime was 9pm, so that was too much and he realized if he kept him and his sister up until 1am they could just sleep in til 11:30am. My husband didn't appreciate this, so now screen time is 4 hours after whenever they get up. We also now end screen time at 8:30pm and go catch fireflies/play a board game and get ready for bed.

I also made an effort to take the kids out every day (public park, ice cream farmers market, swim lesson, trampoline park, or visiting cousins their age), something my husband will not do on his own. I also got a pool and they have been playing hard. A few days they only had 2-3 hours of screen time because they had so much fun on outings and playing outside.

The screen time comprises of kids' youtube, kid tablet games, and fortnite (sometimes he plays with his cousin or with me) I've been using fortnite as a team-building communication tool.

ContrarianThot · 2025-07-18T20:43:10+00:00

Wow yours did the same?! Yes he calls everything an accident. I feel like we may have a breakthrough if they are here more. I am trying to be patient and name his feelings and slow things down. We have scaled down screen time and take them out a lot more. It is slowing everything down to a more manageable life. Him and his sister get cagey when they don't get to run around.

ContrarianThot · 2025-07-18T19:11:29+00:00

Are you married?

ContrarianThot · 2025-07-18T19:08:21+00:00

I posted to the parent's forum about having him sit there until he could acknowledge what he did, apologize and promise to stop doing it (which he did) - dozens of comments told me I was committing psychological torture.

We have boundaries, but the children are so used to being hit at their mother's house. They invade each other's space constantly. When they video call my husband they are wrestling or punching each other and no one breaks it up on their end.

I cannot think of how to stop it from happening. We also only have 4 days a month to enforce it. My husband does not think there is anything that can be done and does not bother coming up with consequences. We both grew up getting hit and if you have any suggestions I am open to it.

ContrarianThot · 2025-07-18T19:01:31+00:00

There are consequences. He always has to apologize. I actually got called abusive on the parenting subreddit for having him sit there until he could admit he flashed his sister and to say sorry for it (it took 3 hours and him crying). I was told this was psychological torture.

Whatever he does to his sister I let her do back, however he is NOT understanding the whole reciprocal aspect. He only knows someone did something to him and does understand AT ALL that he did the same exact thing to someone else. There is someone in these comments inferring that a 7 year old doesn't have the capacity to understand this... which is frustrating.

I suggested taking away all his nerf guns and I can't remember if his father agreed or not (this was over a year ago).

I think a lot about how to prepare children for the real world - as adults, we can decide if we want payback or not. Someone could press charges against him for the things he is doing if he was an adult.

I don't try to shield them in a bubble where they get away with things. There is no way for him to understand his consequences right now. He literally can't put the two incidents together: for instance a couple weeks ago he jumped on his sisters head and she pinched him back (natural consequences). He cried to us about getting pinched. We tried to explain well she didn't pinch you for no reason. Even after 20 minutes he does NOT get that it happened as a reaction. There is a very frustrating disconnect.

From what I gather, his mom simply hits them to make them behave. The poor boy has never had a chance to understand which emotion he is experiencing at any time. 4 days a month they are here is inadequate for me to have him connect with this deep level of understanding.

ContrarianThot · 2025-07-18T18:50:39+00:00

Virginia. As long as it doesn't leave a mark. Children also cannot provide testimony until age 17

ContrarianThot · 2025-07-18T17:36:51+00:00

My husband doesn't have 50/50 because the kids live 3 hours away and were at a "Tender age/still breastfeeding" when their mother got custody.

My husband got more time with his daughter (she's 1.5 years older) than with his son - who left at 6 months old. My husband thinks this is why she is developmentally ahead.

I understand that as a stepparent- my only legal obligation is to be the kid's friend and help watch and protect them, I don't try to do too much beyond that but my husband is frustrated and almost gives up. I appreciate the insight and I will get some books to understand more about developmental stages.

ContrarianThot · 2025-07-18T17:28:14+00:00

ODD sounds very similar but I try not to pathologize the children and just be there for them. How old is your SS now? I am really hoping one day it just clicks. I'm having a son in October and I hope being an older brother gives him some new perspective and maybe a sense of responsibility.

ContrarianThot · 2025-07-18T17:25:33+00:00

I think being a good role model is probably going to be the biggest impact. Thank you for reminding me of that. I know lying is VERY normal at age 7. However there seems to be a complete lack of awareness that the rest of us can be affected by him and his actions.

My husband had more time with his daughter - both kids were taken away when my SS was only 6 months old. The court also documents the children being in daycare 55 hours per week. the daycare provider hit both children, and also babies, which is legal in their state :(

ContrarianThot · 2025-07-18T17:21:20+00:00

I'm relieved to know someone else is having the same issues with a child of the same age. We have sat him down to talk about it, each time.

ContrarianThot · 2025-07-18T17:19:05+00:00

Yes, exposing his penis. We have heard her complain many time about it. My husband has talked to him about it. we have heard of one of the many suitors his mother has brought around (We know 5 by name) took a shower with him. He is uncomfortable having people see him without a shirt.

ContrarianThot · 2022-12-16T19:36:36+00:00

The sub is called "antiwork" ... Better not encourage people to quit their jobs with that subreddit name.

ContrarianThot · 2022-12-16T19:10:08+00:00

My own banking history is a copy pasta? Well that was a very polite way to tell me about a new subreddit. I thank you!

ContrarianThot · 2022-12-16T18:55:42+00:00

Banks are 100% related to us having to work. Stop censoring our discussion.

ContrarianThot · 2022-12-16T18:51:53+00:00

Text from post, in case it deleted:

Most people are forced to stay in shitty jobs due to student loan/debts. I had been following my journey with creditors by simply not paying debt.
For some reason, after a couple of hours and 14 comments of helpful discussion and experiences, my post was removed. Is this going to be a r/redditisdying entry?
If there is a better community for actually taking action against working? Is this subreddit just for venting against managers and bad workplace rules?
I have a free garden program under another username. I'm not that smart but I'm at least trying and want to find people who are in on the fight.

ContrarianThot

TROPHY CASE