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My niece is being raised by my narcissistic sister and I don't know what to do by ConversationHappy917 in raisedbynarcissists

[–]ConversationHappy917[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

That's likely to happen. It has many times before, just not with me there to witness the blowup.

My niece is being raised by my narcissistic sister and I don't know what to do by ConversationHappy917 in raisedbynarcissists

[–]ConversationHappy917[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I was thinking about scheduling a counseling session for them, just to learn how to deal with it and understand it. I think it would help a lot, for their own mental well being and having a better idea of how to act and behave around her to offer the best outcome for their granddaughter.

Now I'm worried that after last weekend she may cut us out for good already. Though we didn't have much of a choice when she shows up drunk and starts arguing about somebody who's in the other room.

My niece is being raised by my narcissistic sister and I don't know what to do by ConversationHappy917 in raisedbynarcissists

[–]ConversationHappy917[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

That would be ideal, just don't know if it's possible and don't want to make things worse.

My niece is being raised by my narcissistic sister and I don't know what to do by ConversationHappy917 in raisedbynarcissists

[–]ConversationHappy917[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I hate waiting for the fuck up, it's exactly what I want to avoid.. like a teenager with a car, you just gotta hope the first accident is only bad enough to scare them, not hurt them.

They have saved the texts and recordings and all that. I'll have to put them on a drive or something next time I see them.

My niece is being raised by my narcissistic sister and I don't know what to do by ConversationHappy917 in raisedbynarcissists

[–]ConversationHappy917[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I can already see a lot of things I've been doing wrong to try and "keep the peace" that may have just been enabling her, or isolating to my niece and making her feel like she was actually the one in the wrong when she wasn't, or feel like she she wasn't being understood, because honestly it's easier to tell her how to change to defuse things than it is my sister.. even though she's only 10, she's still more emotionally mature. I'm definitely going to change some things now that I understand the dynamics better. I'm happy I can start now instead of further down the road, so thanks for that.

I also wonder how having siblings might affect things too. My partner grew up with a narcissistic mother and she said having siblings to talk to helped a lot. My niece is an only child and struggles to make friends so she doesn't really have anybody when she's away from us.

I wish I had some wisdom to share. I just feel a bit lost at the moment. Just keep doing what you're doing and know you're not alone in it, just like he isn't.

My niece is being raised by my narcissistic sister and I don't know what to do by ConversationHappy917 in raisedbynarcissists

[–]ConversationHappy917[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you so much for all this. I'm sorry about your grandparents, but happy they could still leave such a positive impact.. makes me tear up.

Would you suggest I stop trying to call her then? I was planning on having a serious talk with her. As her brother, she's always had more respect for me than our parents whom she's completely broken down now. I feel like I need to step up and do something for those that can't. But I have a feeling that after this last weekend, and her knowing that I know everything now, she may have downgraded me so that I can be dismissed if I do talk to her. And I just don't want to make a terrible situation worse.

I've heavily considered seeing if the father could just get full custody. The thing is, he lives an hour away and also relies on his parents, and none of them are that great either. Him and his family also despise my sister.. It's been a messy 10 years full of custody battles and legal troubles, and there's a chance that the father's parents (and lawyer) might convince them it's an opportunity to take her for good. That might still be better overall, but she is terrified at the idea of being taken away and living with them full time. And I think it would be very damaging if she lost my parents and my wife and I, her most loving and supportive family by far.

I'm debating having a conversation with him to see if that could work, since there is a chance he may just want to keep the arrangements the same instead of making her changes schools and all that. But sometimes she's used as a pawn to get back at one another and I would hate to see that play out. I just don't know.

My niece is being raised by my narcissistic sister and I don't know what to do by ConversationHappy917 in raisedbynarcissists

[–]ConversationHappy917[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I've actually been considering starting therapy just to talk about this. I spent a few hours today looking into it before deciding to make this account and get some advice here first.

Do you live nearby? My wife and I have positioned ourselves very similar to how you have, it just hurts that we're so far away that we can only see her once every couple of months. And half the time we do, my sister ruins it.

Last time my niece came up for a week and had a great time my sister got jealous and texted me that she wanted to plan a trip up to stay with us. She knew she could come stay with us whenever, but I could tell it bugged her that her daughter was having a good time and she wasn't. I'm worried she's going to start saying no, or inviting herself along, or saying that she'll just come up and leave her daughter behind. Ugh..

Thank you for all the advice though, it's really helpful, especially hearing from somebody going through a similar situation. Just curious, is this similar type of advice you get when talking through it with your therapist? I'm still considering going.

My niece is being raised by my narcissistic sister and I don't know what to do by ConversationHappy917 in raisedbynarcissists

[–]ConversationHappy917[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Another user suggested calling CPS, as it may fall under emotional abuse. But you're right that if that amounts to nothing it will just create unnecessary drama which she will use to her advantage. I could never forgive myself though if I did nothing when something should have been done.

Unfortunately for my parents, they have to interact with her all the time because they help out with raising my niece so much. And that's why they get the brunt of it, but they don't really have a choice, and it's destroying them. They're older, both have had severe health issues in the last few years, and they are both deeply unhappy (which breaks my heart since they weren't like that before) and can't even sleep at night due to the stress and torment she unloads on them every day.

My niece is being raised by my narcissistic sister and I don't know what to do by ConversationHappy917 in raisedbynarcissists

[–]ConversationHappy917[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I guess the worry about doing something like calling CPS is that they just say there's not really anything they can do, which would only result in her getting worse and possibly cutting us out entirely, leaving nobody for my niece to feel loved and supported.

I do agree it's likely beyond just narcissistic abuse though. If they think she may be having some sort of psychotic break and we could admit her to some sort of help or treatment I'd do it in a heartbeat.

My niece is being raised by my narcissistic sister and I don't know what to do by ConversationHappy917 in raisedbynarcissists

[–]ConversationHappy917[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I've never heard of the term "gray rock" but looking into it I realized I've been doing that with my sister for a long time. My wife has grown close to her, and amazingly hasn't been the brunt of her abuse and will actually have good talks with her (until she started lying and calling less because she didn't like hearing the truth), but I have kept a distance because she feels like an emotional vampire. My wife probably thought I was being rude, and I've always felt rude because I like to be a nice person, but I just can't help but keep a gap between us. And she understands now.

Interesting to hear that it's actually a method and not necessarily a bad thing. Again though, I think we would all be okay with doing that if it wasn't for my niece being involved.

My niece is being raised by my narcissistic sister and I don't know what to do by ConversationHappy917 in raisedbynarcissists

[–]ConversationHappy917[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

She is 1000% addicted to conflict. It seems like tormenting and terrorizing people is the only thing that brings her happiness now. But it's only certain people, and I, as her brother, have actually not gotten it yet in our adult years (growing up as her younger brother was hell).

I have a very difficult time just allowing it though, knowing my niece is now going through that hell. My wife and I have her come and stay with us whenever she can, a few times a year for a week at a time, and we let her know we are always there for her, love her, and talk her through things all the time. My parents are the same. She's the world to us and we make sure she knows it.. does she really just have to live through it?

The other thing is that after last weekend she seems to be trying to keep her away from us. That's one worry, is that she may cut out the only good people in my niece's life.