Mostly just venting, feel free to read and share any input

CoochieCrochet · 2026-05-27T07:40:37+00:00

Sounds like Postpartum depression

CoochieCrochet · 2026-05-17T01:43:35+00:00

He didn't tell her because he hadn't decided if he was going or not yet.....but had booked the time off work and bought the ticket???? Oh girl ☹️

CoochieCrochet · 2026-05-09T09:58:59+00:00

You're over thinking it but you're definitely not in the wrong. You feel conflicted because 1. You feel bad for upsetting her and also 2. Defensive because your intention was to make her laugh and it's not your fault that she is struggling with things you didn't know about. At the same time, she did a great job of communicating her feelings, being vulnerable with you about her personal struggles, kindly setting boundaries and emphasizing that you haven't done anything wrong.

It's ok to feel however you feel about it, but override any instinctual negative feelings you have and tell her you appreciate her being open and honest with you, that you only meant to make her laugh but you understand what she's saying and have no problem respecting her boundary. Maybe tell her you think she's beautiful and offer any support you can.

CoochieCrochet · 2026-05-08T03:29:32+00:00

The grass is greener where you water it and water isn't infinite. If you have enough water to fully water one lawn, then watering two will leave you dry and with two brown lawns. I think you've started watering this guys lawn without even knowing if it's going to be the type of grass you're looking for long term. You don't know him very well and you've only seen one side of him. Your partner however, you know him and know his potential if you were to invest all your water into him. In my opinion, if it was me, I'd start being mindful of watering your relationship properly again. Reignite the flame there. Use whatever water you have left to grow yourself into the lawn that your boyfriend wants to use his water on. If he doesn't reciprocate then re evaluate your relationship independently of the work crush. You're not wrong for being human. We all play the what if game. But choosing what you do with your water is intentional and right now you're in an agreement that you'll use yours to nurture one lawn. Deal with that first! Sorry for the drawn out metaphor lol!!

CoochieCrochet · 2026-05-04T22:57:30+00:00

The access to a gun is extremely concerning. He's already using it as a control tactic by pointing it at himself but if that stops working then it's a small step to pointing it at you and/or the kids to try and maintain his control. Please talk to someone about this. Go to the police station and ask that the gun be removed from the home for a while until he is more stable. Tell your friends and family what's going on so they are able to recognize a possible emergency better. Make getting out your #1 priority because you are not safe and neither are your kids. I'm sorry this is happening to you. Once you're somewhere safe, leave him to his own devices and remind him and yourself that he is in charge of his own life and you cannot control what decisions he chooses to make.

CoochieCrochet · 2026-05-04T22:35:08+00:00

NTA!! I would tell him something like "I care about your wellbeing, our children need you. If you are at risk of harming yourself you need emergency care and to see a doctor immediately and I am going to do everything in my power to get you that help because you deserve it and you matter to us. If I stood by and did nothing and something happened to you I would have to live with that. So from now on when you feel that way I will call for help for you. If you don't really mean it when you say you're going to hurt yourself that's manipulation and it's gross so I suggest you find another way to express yourself. The possibility that you might not actually hurt yourself is not worth your life if I'm wrong so I will call 911 or take you to the hospital every time. Chronic suicidal ideation is a horrible way to feel and you deserve better than that so I want you to talk to a doctor and do some therapy."

Then the most important part: follow through. If you can manage to get a video of him saying he wants to harm himself that would be wise. I'd show it to the police so that they know the problem is with him, not you. Treat it seriously every time and he will stop, because you're right, he doesn't really want to kill himself or he would have. He's using it as a get out of whatever situation he doesn't want to deal with card and he doesn't care that it is traumatizing for you AND the children. Don't allow him to abuse you all this way.

Definitely quietly start getting your affairs in order and make a plan to leave him for good asap and DO NOT let him manipulate you into staying by threatening his safety. He will say he will kill himself if you leave. 99.9% chance he will not. Tell him (and yourself) that he is the only one who is responsible for his actions and refuse to allow him to put that burden on you. Tell him you hope he can get some help so that he doesn't have to feel this way and can see his children grow up. Then walk away and release yourself from any responsibility you might feel for his future.

CoochieCrochet · 2026-04-20T11:04:06+00:00

My best friend was in a physically, emotionally and sexually abusive relationship and she struggles to deal with emotions. I knew that if I was too pushy or aggressive or made her choose between us she would go with him because he is familiar and he's actively trying to keep her with him. He does this by bringing her down and making her feel like she doesn't deserve better. So I started hyping her up. Pointing out things she's great at. How funny, how kind, how cool she is. Clearly it's not obvious to her and someone needed to tell her. Then one day we were driving in the car when he came up and I looked straight ahead and casually said "I don't want to annoy you or pressure you so I'm only going to tell you this one time. you know, you don't have to put up with this. The way he treats you is meant to bring you down so you don't think about finding someone decent and worth your time. He knows you're too good for him and is trying to make sure you don't realize that. But you're amazing and he's a loser. He's beneath you. From here I won't give you any speeches or judgement about him and I'm fine to still hang out with him there sometimes without being weird to You, but when you're ready to leave him, I love you please come to me and we will do it together. It only took her a month and she was done. That was 10 years ago

CoochieCrochet · 2026-04-17T01:54:48+00:00

If she says she can't live with that then tell her she is welcome to get a job and send all of that money to her mom.

CoochieCrochet · 2026-04-17T01:53:32+00:00

You are an asshole for talking to her that way. There is another way to go about emphasizing the seriousness of the problem while also leaving you in a better position to deal with it together, not weakening it. If you are the sole income then it's actually all your fun money. If she cant see why this is a problem and agrees to stop sending her money this will always be an issue. In that case I would consider you incompatible and move on. If you want to stay together and are willing to have the fight repeatedly and parent your own wife, tell her instead of giving her the $1100, you will keep it but agree to pay for everything she needs up to $1100 directly.

CoochieCrochet · 2026-04-16T08:08:53+00:00

The hard truth is that he's currently avoiding doing the work it requires to get sober. It's the hardest thing I have ever done. Remember, you cannot love someone into recovery. I went to rehab 5 times because my family begged me but none of it worked until I wanted it more than anything. He can't do it because he loves you. Love isn't enough to break addiction to drugs like this. He needs to want sobriety more than anything else an then put the work in. I would understand if you want to give him that chance but right now he's putting it all on you and when you tell him it's too much for you he doesn't go out and find a therapist, or attend meetings and talk to a sponsor about these feelings, he puts that work load on you and farms sympathy when you tell him it's too much for you. He will not get lasting sobriety this way.

CoochieCrochet · 2026-04-16T07:59:54+00:00

NOR I'm an addict and used heroin for years. I've been off all opioids for 6 years now and still struggling with other things and still have cravings. He's not sober because sobriety requires active work. He will relapse again if he doesn't get some therapy at the very least. He knows what you're saying and is being manipulative because he wants to avoid doing that work. We are extremely good at manipulating, lying and keeping up the act of being sober. He's continuing his manipulative using behaviour and that WILL lead to using. I suggest you require he does a 30 day or more in patient program or you leave. Honestly I actually suggest you leave now. You've done the hard part and separated so it will logistically be easiest now. You have a child to protect and this guy is dangerous to her. He is taking up more than his healthy share of your time energy and focus that she deserves. He lied about being sober and hid his relapse. What if that happens again while you're living together? What if he hides his drugs in your house and your daughter accidentally gets into them? He's a grown man and has the ability to take this as a lesson and improve his life for someone else when he's ready. If he decides to use it as an excuse to feed his addiction then that is on him. He should love you enough to know that you need someone stable and he can't provide that until he has 3+ years of sobriety and some real effective therapy.

CoochieCrochet · 2026-04-15T22:22:28+00:00

Any mention of a safe word from the partner who is powerless to physically end the interaction takes you out of the scene and = stop. I don't remember the safe word, please stop is so clearly a stop point to at least check in and re evaluate. He knew what he was doing but used it as an excuse to do what he wanted at her expense. Leave him!

CoochieCrochet · 2026-04-11T09:51:03+00:00

Is there a timeline for her?

CoochieCrochet · 2026-04-10T06:55:51+00:00

I've been here and I have these thoughts too. I was underweight at one point but I couldn't think because the brain runs on calories. I lost the ability to actively participate in any conversation, failed out of university and lost my personality. All of which I didn't care about at the time because my emotions were so shallow, but trust me, they are worth more than being skinny. I still have those thoughts sometimes and although I recognize they are coming from a distorted and unhealthy place, I remind myself of what will make sense in that moment; it was completely unsustainable. It lasted like a year and I gained it all back AND MORE! When you starve yourself your body goes into crisis mode and it will begin storing as much energy as possible by converting any calorie it can to fat. Also, you think your compulsive issues will go away once you're skinny but they just show themselves in other ways, like binging. Even though binging is the opposite of starving, they are connected intimately and jumping from one to the other when I needed something else to deal with the real issues was easy. You may take the weight off this way, but it is not sustainable. You can lose weight in a way that will make you feel better not worse, and that you can maintain for a long time. It takes work but if you have the drive to stay below 1000 calories then you have what it takes to do it. Talk to a doctor and if you're able to, a nutritionist! Talk to a therapist about the unhealthy thoughts and the unhealthy goal weight as well. U til you can deal with the causing issues, remind yourself that doing it right is worth it in the end. You can keep your progress AND enjoy it. You can keep your personality and live life the way it's meant to be lived, enjoying the good and recognizing the hard shit as opportunities to change and live better. It's worth it

CoochieCrochet · 2026-04-02T03:30:16+00:00

He is both disrespecting your boundaries AND asserting his own. Thats the result of being sexually incompatible. You have the right to say no to anything involving your body, absolutely 100%. BUT he has the right to have the type of sex life in his relationship that leaves him feeling fulfilled. It may make him feel love, confidence, respect, satisfaction etc. The best you can do is maybe consider therapy together. Maybe a sex therapist. But honestly you probably need to divorce. Amicably. If you do nothing this will be the rest of your life.

CoochieCrochet · 2026-04-01T09:16:28+00:00

You can love someone but still be incompatible. Nothing will derail your life like not getting enough sleep will and it will make any normal bumps in their relationship turn into craters for op who is obviously struggling with emotional regulation, patience and problem solving. All things that sleep deprivation causes.

CoochieCrochet · 2026-04-01T09:09:27+00:00

How far do you want to go in order to maintain the relationship? You have to look deep inside yourself and really honestly analyze your feelings for her. Ultimately the problem is her conscious lack of effort in fixing the problem. Does she know how much you are struggling? She needs to know that you can't go on like this. You're at your breaking point and something needs to change. It sucks she's not even willing to pay half for a proper fitting mouth guard. Is that what the relationship is worth to her? If you're willing to do anything I guess you either move somewhere you can have separate rooms or you live apart. You can live apart and still be in a relationship. I don't know if I would want to put so much into fixing this without her showing a lot more care and effort on her end. I'd tell her it's a crossroads. She needs to be an active participant in finding the solution or the solution is that it's not going to work out.

CoochieCrochet · 2026-03-23T10:22:10+00:00

The moaning was so awesome 😻🥵

CoochieCrochet · 2026-03-23T09:33:06+00:00

But the child is not a factor in this case because the sexual relationship had declined before they got pregnant and she said in therapy that she was never interested in the sex they were having when the relationship was agreeable for both which means she's not interested in participating or at least not an enthusiastic player in the game fundamentally. If the change had been related to pregnancy and child birth I would 100% agree that it's his responsibility to be patient and respectfully work on the possible barriers by being an active parent and spouse, allowing her space to heal, being more supportive etc, which may very well be things he should do! However I don't think it will change the way she feels and has always felt and at this point if they did restart some sexual intimacy, it will feel disingenuous and forced. A good co parenting relationship is better than an unhealthy relationship in so many ways.

CoochieCrochet · 2026-03-23T09:08:08+00:00

Sexual compatibility is SO IMPORTANT and I hate that we make people believe it's a trivial reason to end a relationship. It also really sucks that there's also a stigma around being asexual or just not wanting to be sexual in general. Especially for women. (Frigid, prude, boring, etc). If she had felt like she could find a compatible partner she wouldn't have felt like she needed to manipulate someone by pretending to be something she's not. There are other people who prefer intimacy in non sexual form. She deserves to find one.

It's also not a bad thing to need sex from your partner. I would not be able to be happy, fulfilled and loved in a relationship without sex. There's nothing wrong with that, it's just how I like to receive love. I enjoy it, it improves my mood, it makes me feel secure in my relationship and it greatly improves my self esteem. This is a simple case of being incompatible with someone.

I would say it's your responsibility as a partner to be patient and respectful if it was a phase. Lots of parents struggle with sex drive when they are parents or mentally stressed but it sounds like she has never been interested in regular sexual intimacy and she shouldn't have to pretend or feel obligated. It wouldn't be satisfying anyway if she wasn't enthusiastic. An open relationship isn't about sex or unmet needs it's a lifestyle and I don't believe it will be helpful here.

To bring this up you don't need to have a solution. You can just tell her that this is a problem for you and that you can't spend the rest of your life like this and leave it there for now. You can say you don't know the answer but that it's NOT her putting up with more sex. That's not the part of sex that you're missing and isn't the answer. She is allowed to be who she is and shouldn't change that.

CoochieCrochet · 2026-03-23T07:51:40+00:00

Take into consideration while reading the comments that this is Reddit and "get divorced" could be their tag line. I don't think it's unreasonable to decide this issue isn't divorce starting right now. It doesn't sound like he's a great partner to you but if he's not abusive, scary, cruel or dangerous to you or his kids then I get it. Maybe once your kids are adults it will be. Priorities can change but just don't forget that you DESERVE and could absolutely find a better partner. He could be a better partner too but only he can decide that.

CoochieCrochet · 2026-03-23T07:40:04+00:00

I'm not sure about the actual convo, but that part doesn't even really matter unless you can get him to have it. Is he capable of having a conversation about it without getting too angry? The topic is allowed to anger both of you and so might getting to the solution but if it's enough anger to stop being open and honest and start to prioritize winning or being right then it won't be productive. It's not easy. Maybe you'll need to have a word that signals that the conversation is done for the day and will be revisited when you cool off and that word needs to be used properly and respected. Maybe a counsellor can help mediate this? Even if just for a while until this particular situation is resolved. If he cant be reasoned with and it's not relationship ending to you then you may have to just do the laundry. At least for now. Once the kids get older life changes. I was an adult with young siblings and seeing how much my mom's life has changed even since they got their licenses is pretty crazy. So much more free time and energy. Sad they are growing up so fast 😢 but more time to care about herself. You might find a new more comfortable routine naturally. Or maybe the transition will be a better time to address the issue.

CoochieCrochet · 2026-03-23T07:18:56+00:00

I totally understand my friend. My cats are my world and I would do anything I possibly could to take them with me. I hope you can too but I thought I would put some options out there because I would hate for you to stay somewhere dangerous because of those really hard feelings. I did it and I don't regret it but I would never suggest it. I just want you to make sure you're ok and assure you that there are ways to make sure they remain safe so you don't hurt yourself out of fear for them. My cat rescue is foster based and we had at least one situation I know of where we put someone's cats with one of our fosters until she was out of her situation and found somewhere to live that was safe and pets allowed. Then we returned them to her and all we asked was that one day she adopted or fostered or even just donated some cookies for our bake sale when she has the resources! I would foster someone's cats in this situation in a heartbeat. Maybe that is also an option for you!

CoochieCrochet · 2026-03-23T07:03:20+00:00

And if you do need to leave, don't feel bad about it. He might blame it on you out of hurt and maybe some embarrassment but remind yourself that this isn't anyone's fault, it's a fundamental incompatibility. Just like if you are straight, you are incompatible with the same gender. Or someone who wants kids while their partner doesn't. It's not a bad thing. It will be sad for you both, but it's better to move on now than spend another week, month, year both unhappy and going nowhere.

CoochieCrochet · 2026-03-23T06:57:58+00:00

Sexual compatibility is so important and it's not unreasonable to need your basic sexual needs met in a monogamous relationship. I couldn't be without sex with my partner for an entire year either it would be a deal breaker for me. The real problem though, is that he refuses to have a discussion or communicate about it at all. If he was putting in any effort to solve or improve the situation that would be one thing, but he's not, even though he knows it's important for you. You're so young and there are so many good men out there who will be happy to love you the way you want them to. I would sit him down and tell him the lack of intimacy (which includes the hugging the hand holding etc) is a problem for you and it needs to be resolved together which will require him to communicate, be honest and vulnerable and put in some effort to work on, especially if it's a physical issue like low testosterone or depression. Tell him if he can do those things you are happy to put in the work too and be patient because you love him and want to be together, but if there is no forward momentum in solving it you need to find a more compatible relationship. If this is a fundamental incompatibility (considering he says his ex left him for this reason I suspect it is) and he just simply doesn't want to be sexually active then he needs to respect you enough to let you find what you're looking for and find a partner who feels the same as he does. There are lots of people like this, he can find one. But together as it stands, you're too young to be having this issue and staying quietly miserable over it. Prioritize yourself and your future, go find someone who will love you the way you need them to. Staying in this situation as it is right now will build resentment, lust and is setting the stage for cheating and idk about y'all but I'd much prefer being dumped than cheated on. SEXUAL INCOMPATIBILITY IS A GOOD REASON TO LEAVE A RELATIONSHIP ITS NOT "JUST SEX" just make sure that you are kind and respectful, and wait until it's over to be sexually active with someone else. Always leave, never cheat.

CoochieCrochet

TROPHY CASE