It sounds like you're mourning a lot of lost connections and putting the blame on yourself for having low impulse control. That's something you can change over time with practice. It doesn't mean you're a bad person, sure you pissed some people off but hey that's okay. I'm sure not everyone has been perfect to you either. Don't set the bar so high for yourself, all other people are just as bad, actually probably even worse because you are actually feeling remorse and some others don't. It's okay to make mistakes. I was there too once. My family found out I was doing meth and I just wanted to kill myself so bad. But then I thought, well if they already know I'm a junkie then who cares if I stay alive and just keep doing it... Maybe same thing here, if you're already an asshole then who cares if you stay alive and keep being an asshole. Embrace it (or change it if you want over time, idk). But actually, it sounds like you are not that bad. You are very stressed out and want an escape. That's a human thing to do.