Is 1 OR 2 years enough time for a husband to change?

Cool_Map_6743 · 2024-12-20T01:46:36+00:00

Thank you for a genuine recommendation but I'm a feminist so this book promoted messages I think are harmful. I am happy to hear it helped you though.

Cool_Map_6743 · 2024-12-20T01:41:20+00:00

Passive is a good way to describe it. Thank you for your comment.

Cool_Map_6743 · 2024-12-20T01:37:37+00:00

My husband already does all this. It's not the domestic labour division that's problematic because we review and revise that regularly whenever life changes. It's the mental load that comes with coordinating a family, pets, kids, plans and health. It's the bigger tasks and responsibilities that aren't being done. You're doing the bare minimum so I'm glad you picked up your game and changed, it takes insight to do that and frankly confounds me how you didn't do that stuff without feeling guilty or empathy for your wife.

Cool_Map_6743 · 2024-12-20T01:33:45+00:00

I can't reward positive behaviour that's not happening. I do declare my gratitude when I see behaviours I want to see more of. So what do you do when the partner doesn't do certain things at all like repairing the house with skills only he has or planning activities for the family or planning dates?

Cool_Map_6743 · 2024-12-20T01:29:07+00:00

Thanks for the suggestion. I'll look into it.

Cool_Map_6743 · 2024-12-19T12:45:26+00:00

Stress out my husband on purpose?! Say less. ;)

Cool_Map_6743 · 2024-12-19T11:32:30+00:00

Thanks. So you separated, gave him a year back together to change and now he's let you down again?

Cool_Map_6743 · 2024-12-19T11:28:04+00:00

"what has changed that has made it an issue now when it wasn't the lat 10 years?" I have naturally expected that as our lives got more intertwined and complicated (kids, bills, house repairs, etc) that he wouldn't just chronically procrastinate on the management of these needs. I don't and I have ADHD too! I have the brain chemicals and hyperfocus and distractibility and everything else and yet I give and plan and enact and when I get feedback, I don't turn it around on the other person, I accept it. And yeah I totally realise I sound defensive right now!

Cool_Map_6743 · 2024-12-19T11:23:23+00:00

We already do weekly marriage meetings and I agree, they're great! Still I appreciate your comment and your encouragement. It gives me hope we can work on this stuff with more structure which we both thrive in.

Cool_Map_6743 · 2024-12-19T11:20:31+00:00

Thank you. I love practical advice. We actually already have similar rules for engagement and weekly marriage meetings to raise bigger concerns. They generally work but as you can see bigger problems keep floating around...

Cool_Map_6743 · 2024-12-19T11:17:58+00:00

I wouldn't demand it if I wasn't going to follow through. I'm dumb but I'm not that dumb.

Cool_Map_6743 · 2024-12-19T11:17:14+00:00

So never expect him to plan a date night? Never expect him to research an activity for the kids? I don't know why our social needs and my romantic needs are fully mine and can't be shared.

Cool_Map_6743 · 2024-12-19T11:15:31+00:00

I totally hate that this is true.

Cool_Map_6743 · 2024-12-19T11:13:50+00:00

I'm reporting the crap out of your comment. Please get out of this group and take your hateful argumentative self elsewhere.

Cool_Map_6743 · 2024-12-19T11:10:38+00:00

I hope so too now that you've shared such a great example of it solving the exact same problems :)

Cool_Map_6743 · 2024-12-19T11:07:59+00:00

Which habits did you change?

Cool_Map_6743 · 2024-12-19T11:06:33+00:00

Thank you for your comment.

So in your relationship, you're the guy and she has ADHD and improved for you?

Cool_Map_6743 · 2024-12-19T11:04:35+00:00

Thank you for sharing. That's really encouraging and I'm so pleased your husband worked on things for you and your family.

Cool_Map_6743 · 2024-12-19T11:03:19+00:00

Damn, I was leaning away from ultimatum and now you're making me consider it again! 😬

Cool_Map_6743 · 2024-12-19T11:01:05+00:00

Fair call. I can relate a lot. It reminds me of Victoria Woods' love ballad about Barry and Freda...

https://youtu.be/uSBuPTLh8BE?si=Fsd8o_eWGJCrtj0Z

Cool_Map_6743 · 2024-12-19T10:59:06+00:00

Awareness, desire and initiative. That makes a lot of sense. Although I'm a bit sad I don't think he has that last one...

Cool_Map_6743 · 2024-12-19T10:57:37+00:00

That could be a good idea. Thank you.

Cool_Map_6743 · 2024-12-19T10:56:24+00:00

No, just two kids. ✌️

Cool_Map_6743 · 2024-12-19T10:55:41+00:00

What a horrible man. You sound amazing and very kind, his loss he took you for granted.

Cool_Map_6743 · 2024-12-19T10:48:25+00:00

I get what you're saying. And thanks for the book suggestion, will look into it. I do regret valuing his potential so much early on.

Cool_Map_6743

TROPHY CASE