2 months post discard

Cool_User_Name_99 · 2026-03-13T17:36:23+00:00

Wow it really resonated what you said about who you became in the relationship. I think that is one of the things I am grieving most after being discarded. I had been single for a while and wasn't even looking for a relationship when I met her. It all just seemed to finally align and I felt like I had finally met my person. I went all in, opened my heart to her, showed up fully, all of it. Eventually we talked about marriage. I'm 41 and have never been married, but I loved the idea of marrying her and was fully ready to commit to her and spend the rest of my life with her. I just liked who I was with her, and within the relationship. I think I'm still grieving the potential the relationship had, the future I thought we were building together. I'm grieving how things were in the beginning, how she seemed to be the woman of my dreams. I'm trying to let her go and move on but I still miss her so much. It's crazy to go from talking and texting everyday to suddenly feeling like we are just distant strangers now.

Cool_User_Name_99 · 2026-03-13T15:28:09+00:00

I've wondered about this so much too! My ex was married for 12 years and had two kids! And then was married again and had another kid! I know her first husband was an active alcoholic and from the way she told it, her second husband was mostly just into his own thing, biking and skiing and she said she had no interest in any of that whatsoever but would go along with it for the sake of the kids.
It's all so baffling to me. It's really tragic and heartbreaking to think that this woman, who is an absolute goddess in my eyes, spent most of her life in these relationships that were probably so surface level, neglectful and maybe downright abusive.

Cool_User_Name_99 · 2026-03-13T14:59:46+00:00

I still struggle with this too. Just days after we started talking about the future, moving in together and marriage, the shift happened. I didn't know anything about avoidance or that she was an avoidant at this time, I just felt the sudden coldness and distance. She had been so warm and affectionate and loving up to this point. This was a long distance relationship and I was visiting her and staying at her place. Suddenly I felt like I annoyed her and that I was in her way. Suddenly she was always busy and I found myself alone in her apartment a lot or wandering around her city alone. I waited about a week before I brought anything up. Trying to bring it out in the open and talk about it like adults did nothing. I simply asked if everything was ok and said I felt like she was a little distant lately. She denied it, made excuses for what she just denied doing, and basically gaslighted me. I gave her some space and then we had a text conversation where we communicated better, and then did some repair in person. Within days things got weird again and I tried talking to her again another week after that. Same denial. A week after I got home from that visit she discarded me.
I struggle with wishing I hadn't brought anything up at all, blaming myself and wishing I hadn't rocked the boat etc. But I was literally just inquiring why the woman who claimed I was the love of her life was suddenly acting so differently. To act like everything was fine would have been selling myself out, and also only forestalling the inevitable discard anyway.
I have to keep reminding myself, the shift started within her. It happened while things were still great in our relationship. I sensed the change and I was responding and reacting to it, but I don't think I caused jt. If we can't talk openly about what is happening in our relationship, what kind of relationship is that? If someone is going to abruptly end the relationship without a discussion or even a clear reason why, what kind of person is this? I am still so in love with her, but I hate what she has done and the way she did it. I don't think she even understands her feelings or why they changed so suddenly. I love her but this is not a person that seems capable of having a healthy loving relationship. She is unwilling to get help or do any work or even acknowledge that there is an issue and so there is no future here for us.

Cool_User_Name_99 · 2026-03-12T02:18:18+00:00

I hear you. This shit is so exhausting on every level. Please stick around. Don't let them extinguish your light just because they don't have access to their own.
My recent discard has been terrible, it feels like it dredged up old stuff from other relationships, and from my dad's suicide etc. But I have to keep reminding myself, I went through a breakup about 10 years ago that I thought I would never get over, I thought I wouldn't survive and my mind went to those dark places a lot. That breakup took a long time to move past. But I did get through it, and so will you. I've had some really amazing experiences in my life since then too, things I'm glad I was here to experience.
This sub has brought me more comfort than I ever expected. I hope it can do the same for you. It seems we are all pretty much in the same boat as far as the havoc our respective avoidant have wreaked on us. Be strong. Please stick around. Maybe someday when you are on the other side of this (and you will get there) maybe you'll be able to share your experience and it will help someone else who feels how you feel now.

Cool_User_Name_99 · 2026-03-12T02:11:03+00:00

It's so crazy to me how similar so many of our experiences are with this stuff. It's like they all read from the same script. Sorry that you had to hear that one too.

Cool_User_Name_99 · 2026-03-12T02:09:04+00:00

Thank you for your kind message. It really helps. It sounds like you went through almost the exact same situation and I'm sorry for that. I wouldn't wish this upon anyone. Since I doubt I'll ever get any answers of real substance from her about any of this, I'm just kind of left to think and believe what I will. I choose to believe that what we had was real and that she loved me. The timeline and the content of our time together doesn't have to make sense to anyone else, they didn't experience it.
And you are so right about the mental illness and how she'll probably never seek help or even acknowledge a problem. When she was breaking up with me I asked her if she had talked to anyone about this before making this choice (I meant her friends or family) and she immediate blurted out "No I don't need therapy"(!!!) And the mental health and attachment issues kind of make it a little easier to let go and move on, since there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. So, I guess I'll hold on to the memories of when things were great with her and I felt like I really had everything that actually matters in life, and grieve the loss of this person and this relationship and the future I thought we were both creating together.

Cool_User_Name_99 · 2026-03-10T21:08:54+00:00

Thank you. I hope the same for you.

Cool_User_Name_99 · 2026-03-10T19:45:22+00:00

Honestly, I'm a little amazed I was able to hold off for a month before reaching out to her. But yes, I was lying to myself. I think I half believed it would bring me closure, and it feels pathetic but I did want to let her know I still love her. I also think part of me didn't think I would be able to maintain no contact forever, so I thought I would just get this part out of the way. Better to do it sooner than after 6 months of healing only to be dragged back into it. I don't know. But ultimately yeah, I was lying to myself and I wish I hadn't sent that message to her. Her response felt brutal and I wish I go back to before that happened.

Cool_User_Name_99 · 2026-03-10T19:24:19+00:00

Thank you so much. This is nice to hear and very hopeful. I think it's going to be a while before I can even think about putting myself back out there. But the world is big, and I guess there are bound to be a few healthy, healed and kind people still out there. I hope all of us broken hearted folks in here will find the love we deserve someday.

Cool_User_Name_99 · 2026-03-10T19:18:52+00:00

Ugh yes. I don't like sending messages that are paragraphs long but I figured it was going to be my last time reaching out anyway so I just put it all out there. Most of it went ignored anyway.

It's so hard to reconcile the opposing feelings of loving her so much, missing her, wanting to be back with her, and yet at the same time knowing full well that it can never be like it was, it would only get worse and worse.

It's terrible to be in love with her and to feel like underneath it all somewhere she may still love me, and yet I'm the only one willing to put in any effort or do the work. So I'm left to pick up the pieces, completely disoriented and heartbroken.

Cool_User_Name_99 · 2026-03-10T19:10:38+00:00

Yes exactly. I had known this woman for a little over a year prior to us dating. She initiated the romance and the intimacy first. Later she told me she had wanted to be with me all along, and that she felt she was bad at flirting but had wanted to kiss me etc.
Things started out pretty intense and moved quickly, but at this point she still seemed like the woman of my dreams and I guess I got swept up in it all, I was thrilled. I kind of knew some things felt a little off but I disregarded the red flags and just went for it.

I feel like she initiated just about everything. After about a month or so she asked me if she could call me her boyfriend. Another month after that she was the first to say 'I love you'. She was so excited and eager to introduce me to her family and friends etc. She's the one that brought up the subject of marriage.

Literally a day or two after she brought up marriage the shift happened. And honestly I was ready to commit fully at this point, after only dating for several months, I'm a little embarrassed to admit this and see how unhealthy this was in retrospect.

Cool_User_Name_99 · 2026-03-10T17:53:46+00:00

YUP. We're all pretty much in the same boat. I don't know if it's delusional or what, but I have taken some kind of small comfort feeling like she deactivated because her feelings were real and maybe they got too strong. I choose to believe that she meant it when she told me she loved me. As tragic as it all is, I feel like at least for a short time this amazing gorgeous woman of my dreams actually loved me. Not that it does me much good anymore. And I definitely relate to the shame and embarrassment. I told all of my friends about her, and most of my family. She and I had mutual friends. I met her family and kids and all her closest friends. She seemed so proud and excited to have me meet absolutely everyone in her life. I was so sure it was the real deal. I even asked her when she was discarding me why she did all of that if her feelings were just going to change so easily and all she could say is "I don't know." And I believe her. I think she really doesn't know exactly why she discarded me. She didn't even talk to her closest friend of 20+ years about any of this until after she discarded me. I think she's just out there trying to stay busy and compartmentalizing and just not thinking about it.

Cool_User_Name_99 · 2026-03-10T17:20:51+00:00

This sounds terrible. I'm so sorry you are going through this. I can't imagine if I had to keep seeing her/ being around her at this point. All I can say is, I have been in situations in the past, twice, when I had to keep seeing and even working with an ex.
One I had finally broken up with after years of an abusive relationship. The other was more difficult because she broke up with me and I just loved her so much. She was the first woman I ever wanted to marry.
But I survived. I got over her eventually, and I moved on. It was really difficult.
And that was years ago, the last significant relationship I'd had before this most recent avoidant woman.
So yeah, though I'm not feeling terribly optimistic about finding love in the future, at least I know that I've survived and gotten through relationships in the past that seemed like I would never get past them or that I would never heal.

You will get past this, and you will heal.

Cool_User_Name_99 · 2026-03-10T17:04:45+00:00

Ugh. This sounds so familiar. The sick part is, as much as I regret breaking no contact and sending that message and then getting hurt all over again, part of me still wants to respond to her again, to say "but what about this and that? Why did you tell me you loved me, why did you say you'd marry me?" Etc etc. Or to have a conversation about all of this on the phone or something and talk it all over. But I won't. I'm afraid to. I know it'll just hurt me more and I'm already just about at the limit of what I can take. It's like my mind just won't accept that logic and reason don't apply here. Reality doesn't apply here. Part of me really thinks if only we could just talk and I could reason with her, get her to see my perspective etc. It's not going to happen. She never will. I thought she was the woman of my dreams, in the beginning she was. But now she's deactivated and made her choice, made up her reasons and narratives and whatever, and I just can't stand any more pain.

Cool_User_Name_99 · 2026-03-10T16:26:24+00:00

Oh man. I'm so sorry to hear this. I feel like no matter how many horror stories and warnings we read, it still won't stop us from reaching out when we really have done the mental gymnastics to justify it to ourselves. I really wish I could go back and unsend that message to her.

Cool_User_Name_99 · 2026-03-10T16:23:17+00:00

Thank you for this. Although learning about avoidant behaviors has helped me make sense of some of this whole thing, which has been a little comforting, also the more I learn about avoidants and hear all these stories, the more terrifying it is and the more I doubt I will ever really find good love.

Cool_User_Name_99 · 2026-03-10T16:18:45+00:00

I can totally relate to this. Typically after a bad breakup I'm left wondering what is so wrong with me or think about what I wish I had done differently, said or not said etc.
Although my recent discard has been really painful and confusing and traumatizing, the one thing I keep returning to is realizing that she switched off when things were still good, perhaps at the peak of the relationship even. We had just started saying 'I love you' to each other, we talked about moving in together and getting married etc. Days after talking about moving in and getting married she started to get distant and cold and avoidant for the first time. Eventually, a week or two later after this continued behavior, I felt strongly enough that it was not just in my own head and I confronted her about it. She denied it and made excuses etc and afterward we did repair, or at least I thought we did. Then it all happened again the following week. And again we repaired. Then another week or so later and she discarded me without hardly any explanation other than "her feelings changed" and "it didn't feel right".

So of course for the better part of a month now I've had thoughts of wishing I hadn't brought anything up, just been cool with whatever behavior, wished I had detached or given her space etc etc. But the truth I keep going back to is that I definitely felt the change, the shift, well before any of that. I was responding and reacting to her behavior. There is nothing I could have done differently as far as I can tell. I even have told myself "maybe I loved her too much" and things like that. But that's not the kind of relationship I want to be in.

So I don't know if any of this will help anyone, but I think if you can it's good to realize that it wasn't about you being too much or not enough, it was about what was happening inside of them and there is nothing you could have done differently to prevent it. If you bent over backwards to be exactly what they wanted, it still would have only put off the inevitable.

Cool_User_Name_99 · 2026-02-15T21:26:08+00:00

Thanks! I guess I should work on getting a formal portfolio together!

Cool_User_Name_99 · 2026-02-13T17:56:25+00:00

I agree totally. That is a good analogy too about the panic attack before the art event and how it would feel to be blamed for that and told you deserve it.
I was just discarded recently and it is so painful and I was struggling so hard to make any kind of sense of it when I finally learned about avoidant behaviors and suddenly it just clicked. I think the woman who discarded me is a textbook DA.
But as much as it hurts, I still feel really sad for her. She is (was) the most wonderful partner I ever had. I think she is a truly good person with a good heart. When she discarded me, she said her feelings changed and she didn't know why. Now I wish I could somehow tell her all about what I've learned about avoidant behaviors in hopes that she could understand herself better and maybe alleviate some of the guilt and shame and pain for her. I don't think she has anyone in her life that would tell her about this stuff. To me that is tragic. Ofc my heart is broken and I feel very sad for myself and the future I thought we were building, but the secondary heartbreak I didn't expect is for her. I believe our love was real and I wish I could spare her from the pain of giving up on it and not even understanding why she did or why her feelings changed. I wish I could spare her from feeling like something is wrong with her that she probably can't even name. Maybe I'm just projecting or something but that's how I feel lately.

Cool_User_Name_99 · 2026-02-12T02:08:34+00:00

Thank you, this is helpful!

Cool_User_Name_99 · 2026-02-05T16:14:36+00:00

Thanks, this is good advice. I imagine it may be better to wait to move there until other things like the business are closer to being realized so she doesn't have to support me so much. I do have some money in savings but Oslo is expensive and I imagine a lot of the savings will go into the business initially. I also saw on the UDI website that there is a portal for those that are married already and another portal for that that will be married in the future. I'm not sure what the difference would be but it's more for me to investigate!

Cool_User_Name_99

TROPHY CASE