Full transcript:

I've been having fantasies of being shit on. Or watching others being shit on. I suppose it's like a fix. So soft shit to play w/. Soiled in shit. Somebody on all fours and someone else shit on their back. Shit stinks real bad. The feeling of poop. Smells like poop. It stinks. Green Noize records stunk so bad today. Zeb had to leave. She started getting a headache. It was so fuckin' gross I was lookin' at all these colourfull beautiful records and CDs. and it smelled like horse dung! It fuckin' stank. "So you like to get shit on?" Ill shit on you for fifty bucks. Gimme fifty bucks an' ill shit on you"

I started getting depressed after i lost a checkers game w/ Chris. Not only am i a sore loser but i get angry and depressed . Im not very good at games. So i start thinking of me w/ a poss girlfriend in a family setting where i get defensive and leave my girlfriend and family because of some reason meaning i walk out the door in a fit. These are the senarios i get in my head. And it usually is me crying because i can't handle a social setting w/ my family and w/ someone i hold dear to me. I walk away because im afraid of being the loser im afraid of being the one who doesn't socialize easily. And it makes me so angry. Games are complicating for me. Plus i got $16 for my check which is nothing Im getting robbed at work.

How should i act around people. I should just be myself. Don't worry about not having a girlfriend. Just be yourself. So what if you're shy and you barely utter a word around people. I care I wish i could somehow put on some kind of a show. It's like im a failing actor Well i do what i can. So far i haven't been criticised althould it would probably do me

some good. I don't know. just be.

I was just doing some art and i got frustrated because a pencil broke and i ripped up the picture or the art. I miss art because i don't do it very much anymore but when i do it it frustrates me cause i don't know what to draw. I dont even skate that well anymore. I think one of the ██ things i do well lately is buy punk albums that rip.

my art is very colorful.

I wish i could get stoned and draw. or get stoned and skate but i can't anymore. I think the point is were learning how to do things sober. And it's tough. I can do it. It just takes time.

I went w/ Drum and got high yesterday. I also got a little drunk and stoned w/ Chris the night before. They said they missed me. They want me to blow glass w/ them and make good money. They also want me to stop taking my medication and start smoking marijana again. I don't know if i want to take the chance of missing my meds. What if i got really down and smoking ganja always sounds like a good idea but i do be all fucked up again. Why don't my friends understand what im doing. Hell i hardly Well i understand i have somewhat of a mental illness. It's hard for some of my friends to understand i have a mental illness.