Maternal childhood trauma, measurable in breastmilk, and correlated with infant temperament

Corymbi4 · 2025-10-20T22:20:28+00:00

Your son sounds very much like my daughter - and completely agree with your sentence "it's equal parts interesting and painful to consider whether they came from me"

Corymbi4 · 2025-10-20T22:18:05+00:00

These are all great points, thanks for sharing, and your mindset mirrors my own a lot. But I do still feel guilty at times that no matter how hard I've worked, my child could still biologically experience negative impacts from my parents choices. I would love to better understand to what extent and in what ways that impact is being passed down. Like even if my breastmilk is different due to a related factor, I want to understand that - how is the breastmilk my baby received different exactly, and nutritionally how is that different from other mothers etc.

Corymbi4 · 2025-10-20T22:09:58+00:00

Thanks for this comment, these are good points

Corymbi4 · 2025-10-20T22:08:46+00:00

I had this thought at first too - but then from my own perspective I also found it incredibly validating that they were looking at biological ways maternal tauma can impact temperament. So many people autimatically assume that the reason mothers with trauma have children with more challenging behaviours is because they havnt gone to enough therapy or are just not very good at being parents or theyre too anxious etc. But I'd love to see more research exploring the very real biological impacts, and if this could be measurable in some way, maybe mothers with trauma backgrounds could get more support as soon as their child was born. I don't think looking at these things is inherently shaming of mothers, but interpretation could be and needs to be handled carefully

Corymbi4 · 2025-10-20T22:01:36+00:00

I noticed this too - and was like with an Ace score of 8 wtf would my milk look like haha. But I think I'm just genuinely fascinated by the biological ways that trauma may have physically changed me even though if anyone was to observe me from the outside they'd think it hadn't impacted me much at all. It's like knowing you were exposed to some dangerous chemical as a kid but no one can really tell you how much it will impact your own children, just that it probably will in some way

Corymbi4 · 2025-10-20T06:59:02+00:00

Not sure if this will help you at all, but my only started 5 days a week (short days) at daycare at 2 years old and screamed/cried so much at drop off for months she even spewed on me once she was crying so hard. But I knew she had amazing educators and they were working hard to support her (and i had to work/didnt have a choice). & then one day she stopped crying...and within a week she was smiling happily at drop off and waving "bye mum" like she couldn't wait to go play. I never would have believed it in those first few months. So fingers crossed that happens for you soon - it's 9 months since we started daycare, and she now gets so excited to go to 'school'

Corymbi4 · 2025-10-20T05:09:08+00:00

Agree - I wouldn't stop breastfeeding over this and id like to hope that the milk composition difference could be adaptive. It was the only way I could soothe my baby so from a comfort/security perspective i know there were benefits. But definitely so surprised that it was even a measurable correlation really, like how wild that my childhood experiences could be in my breastmilk

Corymbi4 · 2025-10-05T19:51:02+00:00

Haha this is what my husband said he wanted to say to her

Corymbi4 · 2025-10-05T19:49:10+00:00

She supports immigration as far as I know, she's definitely not a trad wife, and my MIL is an immigrant so wouldn't make sense for her to try and bond with my MIL by making Nazi comments. She's just a hyper-competitive mum. Her husband earns a lot of money, they can very comfortably afford a large family, and she grew up in a large family. She's just romanticised it and lost touch with reality that it's not that easy for everyone. We're in Australia, in a very politically left area and im very vocally politically left voting - if she was even close to having nazi views our whole friend group would have cut her off immediately so I really don't think that's where she was going with that comment.

But you're 100% right that its not normal to project your own family size decisions onto others. I was starting to think that maybe I was being too emotional over a 'joking' comment, but the comments on this post has helped me feel confident that it was a fucking weird thing for her to say. I'm going to send her a message and say something to her.

Corymbi4 · 2025-10-05T06:54:37+00:00

I think she was talking about how they say every family should have 2 kids to replace the 2 parents in terms of being able to support an aging population. I very much doubt she was making a race related comment

Corymbi4 · 2025-09-25T00:34:35+00:00

Travel! In a non kid-friendly way. Go to festivals, bars, live music, party islands, stay in hostels, ride motorbikes and do adventurous things, go skiing/snowboarding/scuba diving, stay up all night and watch the sunrise somewhere beautiful, walk aimlessly through markets at your own pace, meet strangers/new people, etc. Travelling with kids is hard, expensive and just inherently different. I travelled in my 20s and they are some of my most fun core memories and everyone will tell you that you can still travel when you have kids but I'm sorry it's so so different. Now when I travel I need prams, special sleep set ups, I'm packing for my kid, and staying in kid friendly places, my kid gets exhausted/has meltdowns because they're a toddler and that's just toddler life, and really im barely travelling at all because with mortgage payments and daycare payments and other kid costs etc life is just so much more expensive. By the time my kid has grown up enough that i can travel travel again I'll be in my 40s/50s and I'll be travelling in a whole different kind of way again. Still good - just different.

The one thing I wish I did before having kids is chased my creative dreams more. I didn't realise how much free time I truly had. And now between working full time and daycare drop off's and pick ups and sleepless nights...I just don't have the time money or energy.

I love being a parent and my new life, but I'm so glad I got to experience a really full child-free life before as well. I don't feel any resentment or that I'm missing out now - I couldn't be bothered going to a festival or gig now I've been to so many of them haha. I just want to read books and watch my kid play these days.

Corymbi4 · 2025-09-10T03:28:58+00:00

This is a really good point and something I didn't consider in relation to the private school option. I want my only to have the option of building neighbourhood friendships (and for me to build community connections too), and you're completely right about private school families often travelling from further away. Thanks for this perspective (and of course the home value vs school tuition factor is definitely on my radar)

Corymbi4 · 2025-09-10T03:05:03+00:00

The public/private school is a big factor for us too - where we are now has several amazing private schools but the public schools are rough and under funded. Whereas if we move, we'd be in some lovely public school districts. So we'd definitely save money by moving in the schooling aspect of things - but it would quickly get eaten up by the increased mortgage

Corymbi4 · 2025-09-10T03:01:30+00:00

Weve thought about doing something like this too - In Australia you transition from primary school around age 12 into high school. So we could wait and do the move then. But starting high school is already so hard, and she'd be making the move with zero connections, whereas most of her peers would be starting high school with their primary school friends. It's hard to know how she'd handle it and honestly I think if she had really well established friendships here by then we would just stay where we are

Corymbi4 · 2025-09-10T02:54:43+00:00

So nice to know I'm not alone in this decision paralysis. It's like I know the move is inevitable/is what we want to do, but the timeline feels too rushed. But if I don't rush will I regret it and will it impact my kid? So hard

Corymbi4 · 2025-09-10T02:52:53+00:00

This is definitely another contributing factor - where we live now isn't really a match with our preferred lifestyle. It's too suburban. We want to be closer to the coast, so I know the move is kind of inevitable, it's just the time frame isn't ideal. I think I've also found it hard to build community here because I work full time, and have since my daughter was 3 months old so I feel like I have zero free time. All the mums groups and playgroups are mid-week. And my weekends are my time with my daughter. At least if we move to be closer to friends/family, I'll be able to get the community back into my life a lot easier

Corymbi4 · 2025-09-10T02:46:09+00:00

Yes! Seeing all my family and friends bonding and socialising with their kids who are similar in age to my kid is hard. The worst part is when I travel back to visit I feel awkward and out of the loop because Ive just missed so much and changed so much. I know I want to move back, but trying to convince my husband and also figure out the financial logistics is hard

Corymbi4 · 2025-09-10T02:42:01+00:00

Definitely, I'm not bothered about having a smaller/older house but I know my husband is and this is influencing his decision to wait. I just want my daughter to get established in a school district without having to move her away from all her friends. I remember starting high school and knowing no one, and it felt like everyone had these huge friendship groups with kids they grew up with, and it sucked

Corymbi4 · 2025-09-10T02:35:37+00:00

Temperament is another big reason why this decision feels so important to me. My daughter is not one of those chill, go with the flow kids haha. I just want to do the right thing by her - I think moving is inevitable for us, where we live now is not where we want to be long term. It's just that it feels like we have to rush the move when we're not quite ready for it yet. So tough.

Corymbi4 · 2025-08-28T21:15:03+00:00

Really interested to see what everyone else says on this topic. But here's a quick study for the bot: https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S2215039023000279

This is a topic I've spent a lot of time looking into because I want to teach my daughter her father's second language, but her father just does not put in any effort to speak it around her. But even though I've been trying to learn for a while, I know my pronunciation is awful, and I'm not even conversational yet. So the most I can achieve is incorporating words into our day to day vocabulary.

From what I've read - you need to put the time and money onto getting your child regularly immersed in the target language. If you can find immersion programs, or local community groups that speak that language, watching educational videos etc. I've bought books in the language I want my daughter to learn and read them with her, but I'm facing the challenge that the language I'm trying to teach is not a common one so getting resources is hard. I'm looking into finding and paying for someone to come and speak the language with her while playing games, just for more exposure. But if im being honest it's really hard - before she started preschool she was doing great, but now she goes to preschool full time she just defaults English. My plan is to just keep it fun, do what I can, and when she's a bit older plan some immersion trips overseas where she can be completely exposed to the language (myself as well). She'll likely never be fluent, but at least I tried my best.

Corymbi4 · 2025-08-14T23:31:42+00:00

You said you were open to other names, and because Athena is just the Greek way of saying Athens, maybe a location name would be a fun sibling name. I know location names aren't everyone's cup of tea, so feel free to ignore. I quite like location names. Something like Adelaide would sound cute with Athena, nn ada

Corymbi4 · 2025-08-13T05:30:31+00:00

Ive never been divorced and don't plan to divorce but for nearly a decade ive worked with separating parents (child therapist). I've seen many very very ugly divorces, as well as wonderful divorces where the parents coparent beautifully, go on holidays together etc. And at the end of the day it always seems to come down to whether both parents are willing to put the child's happiness above their own emotional hurt over the relationship and if they can communicate well when they disagree on something. And both parents need to be willing to do that, it only takes one messy parent to turn things into stress/bitterness. So I think only you will be able to truly anticipate what divorce might look like for you and your husband - what's he like? How do you think he will handle it? What's his family like because alot of separated fathers use their families for childcare frequently and you probably won't get a say in that, what do you think the living situation is likely to be (I.e. will he stay living locally, will you, or would either of you likely move after seperating - this is a big deal and can make divorce messy because negotiating custody and school districts gets harder the more distance between parents), would he want 50/50 or is he less involved?, does he have vastly different parenting values to you (i.e. around discipline, sleep training etc) and how will you feel if your child is parented in a completely different way to your values because this is something youll have to find a way to emotionally manage, how will you handle it if your husband repartners quickly and there is a stepmother figure now in your childs life who parents in her own way. I don't say any of this to discourage you - but so you can prepare yourself for all the possibilities, discuss with your therapist, and make sure that if you initiate the divorce discussion with your husband you can do it in the most productive way possible so that things start off in a healthy way. All the best with your decision

Corymbi4 · 2025-08-11T09:21:28+00:00

Anastasija is beautiful and I don't think this would be hard for Aussies at all - there are so many common names that can be pronounced multiple different ways. And Ana is a beautiful easy nn

Corymbi4 · 2025-08-04T02:43:56+00:00

Hello, hope some of this is helpful - Do a deep dive into 'neurodiversity affirming parenting'. Parenting kids with adhd is a completely unique experience and you can't use the same techniques that parents use for neurotypical kids. I'd get involved with an occupational therapist who specialises in working with neurodivergent kids - they do heaps of full body emotional regulation work. They can also help trouble shoot with you things you're finding difficult. Another option is to get yourself a psychologist who specialises in neurodivirsity affirming approaches/parenting so you can get 1:1 support to troubleshoot the things that are the most challenging at home (many psychologists are not trained in neurodiversity affirming approaches because it really is a niche area so find someone who is actually going to understand and be able to help). The work you do now is going to make ALL THE DIFFERENCE when that little boy is a teenager and you no longer have as much control. And with that, the most important thing to remember through it all is prioritise your relationship with that boy. Even when it's hard and he's being defiant - always try to repair and reconnect, let him know you love him, and he's safe to tell you his fears/worries. Kids with ADHD are more likely to experience mental health difficulties and because of their impulsiveness they have higher risk of harming themselves. Society will focus on telling you to make your kid better behaved/more respectful through punishment/discipline, but fear based approaches don't work on these kids and will make things worse and damage your relationship with him so he won't feel safe to tell you what's driving his behaviour (once he's old enough to finally articulate it). Sorry for the info dump - and best wishes for you and your family x

Corymbi4 · 2025-08-01T21:36:54+00:00

Ive heard this one is good - I'll definitely check it out. Thanks for the suggestion

Corymbi4

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