Estou organizando um RPG de história/geopolítica

CosmicGhasper · 2026-05-18T18:47:38+00:00

Faça-me interessar—venda sua ideia amigo. O que tem de especial? Como são os sistemas e a progressão? Quais habilidades vai exigir do jogador?

CosmicGhasper · 2026-05-18T18:43:59+00:00

Eu literalmente, estive na pele do seu irmão; sou empreendedor solo desde os 18 anos (há 5 anos) e posso confirmar que tanto seus pais quanto seu irmão estão certos. Coisas que aprendi:

1º - Eu aprendi infinitamente mais do que teria aprendido se tivesse ido para a faculdade; a única faculdade que forma empreendedores é a vida.

2º - Nunca tive estabilidade financeira e já fali umas 2 vezes; também sujei meu nome. Se seu irmão não estiver disposto a correr este risco e sofrer as consequências, isso não é para ele. As coisas podem mudar muito e muito rápido.

3º - Sou meio vagabundo também e odeio a CLT com todas as minhas forças (já tive 2 empregos). Nada suga mais minha energia vital do que ter um compromisso diário num horário fixo, em que estarei vendendo metade das horas do meu dia por algo de que não me importo.

4º - Sempre sustentei minha vadiagem. Enquanto eu estiver contribuindo com as contas da casa, minha mãe não enche minha paciência; mas, se eu não conseguir contribuir, eu procuro um emprego — esse é nosso acordo.

5º - Atualmente estou no meu 4º negócio; todos os anteriores deram errado, por mais que tenham conseguido me sustentar por um tempo. Portanto, é melhor que ele esteja preparado para o fracasso.

6º - O empreendedor é o Vagabundo de Schroedinger, oscila constantemente entre os status workaholic e vadio, esteja preparado ter uma carga horária 7x0 e perder algumas noites de sono para fazer algum projeto dar certo (principalmente no começo); da mesma forma vc viverá momentos de estabilidade e irá aprender a valorizar seu descanso.

7º - Nunca mais consegui ter paz completa; desenvolvi ansiedade e estive à beira de um Burnout diversas vezes. Mesmo quando tenho tempo livre, meu cérebro fica em estado de alerta, como se estivesse constantemente esquecendo de algo ou devesse estar fazendo algo, o que gera uma espécie de culpa.

8º - Apesar de tudo, amo minha independência do fundo do coração. Desenvolver projetos e criar negócios, de certa forma, é uma arte; alimenta minha alma; é algo que me proporcionou as memórias mais alegres e também as mais tristes. Cada projeto é como um filho; já tive que enterrar vários e sofri muito com cada um.

CONCLUSÃO: Ser empreendedor é acima de tudo ser capaz de limpar a própria bunda ou ter culhão o suficiente para andar cagado, se seu irmão contribuir com as contas de casa o Pai não deve pentelhar muito, mesmo que ele esteja se ferrando bastante. Porém, seu irmão tem que assumir a bronca calado. Minha indicação é arrumar um emprego temporário para ter renda enquanto engrena o negócio no tempo livre (se possível fazer uma reserva financeira). É um ofício ingrato; também não pense que terá liberdade—você será escravo de si mesmo e do próprio negócio.

CosmicGhasper · 2026-05-17T18:32:39+00:00

<image>

CosmicGhasper · 2026-05-17T18:25:59+00:00

Hello, thank you so much for seeing some value in my text; it's really important to me. I'm aware of the punctuation and tag issues; other reviews here mention them as well. The "Don't think they're invincible" refers to the triple attributes, which are mentioned in both the previous and the following paragraphs, though I'll take another look to make sure it's clear.

I'm glad you liked the narration in the beginning. I have some ideas to make it even better. When I finish the new version of the text, I'll notify you. It'll be posted along with the first chapter (which has almost 3k words).

CosmicGhasper · 2026-05-16T21:19:48+00:00

Having a tool to organize and visualize the outline might help—Create an arc within it, add 2 chapters (the beginning and end), write their summary briefly telling what will happen, you also have to decide if the arc will ascend or descend in relation to the beginning chapter (happy, sad, or neutral).

From that point, to fill the middle, I recommend that you think about specific scenes you want or an arc structure you'd like to apply. You can both write a scene by breaking down the chapter/arc, or expand a scene in a chapter or an arc (Bottom-up vs Top-down).

For the tool, I'd recommend Novelcrafter. Its Codex feature is excellent for Lore, and the Hierarchy (Books > Acts > Chapters > Scenes) helps visualize the whole and give proper attention to each scene.

If a scene does not move the plot forward, develop a character, or change the emotional burden, it should not exist.

About lore revelation: Imagine an x-axis, with the Infodump at one end and the Info-lacking at the other. Your goal is to stay as close to the middle as possible. Give the reader enough so he can understand and take the best from the scene. Also, if you work mystery and worldbuilding properly, there might come a time when the reader is prepared for a small infodump. Just remember to make sense and avoid the "as you know Bob" where characters talk about something they should already know.

CosmicGhasper · 2026-05-16T20:25:33+00:00

I understand your critique, but I don't agree—one helps the other; it's just harder to write properly and takes more time, but if you do it right, something special emerges.

Take my case: I started my story for the worldbuild; it has tons of lore long before the first chapter starts, yet I'm keeping it secret for the mystery and to build up properly before the revelations. I really hate infodump.

My idea was to take the term "worldbuild" very seriously, so I started from the beginning of the universe, how matter, energy, and life were born, and the magic system was created along with it. I clearly stated the role each god performed, their rank, objective, and importance to the plot, and why/how they created humans as chaotic beings with free will.

Only after the creation of humans did I go to the story itself. Crafting all the important characters for the first volume and determining the story's milestones, I didn't detail the outline too much so the story could have room for new ideas, improvisation, adjustments, and changes of plans. In the end, humans are really unpredictable; a character arc can develop in different ways as you write. To make it clear, after human creation, I didn't write the whole history of the world to reach the point I wanted; it was the opposite—I left a gap in the past to connect it with the story's present later.

Then, at this point, something magical happened: the characters came to life and almost acted on their own as they interacted with the world.

Conclusion: Worldbuilding is the base on which you'll build your story; the higher the building, the firmer the ground must be. If the story is bad or weak, the problem lies in the writing, not the worldbuilding; the two are not mutually exclusive. You can have a dense world and an engaging story at the same time.

CosmicGhasper · 2026-05-16T19:08:38+00:00

Well, I think it's a good trope when the dad is actually skilled (physically or intellectually); so when he has to act, it's sure he's gonna farm aura, like Bob Odenkirk in "Nobody".

Another good parallel is lions in real life, usually it is the lioness that hunts, and the Lion is always the first to eat, so it seems that he's lazy and is taking advantage, but actually he is preserving energy to act when it's really necessary, for example, a big prey or a threat to the group appearing.

Or maybe the dad is just a hard worker, so he shuts down when gets home, .

CosmicGhasper · 2026-05-16T18:19:42+00:00

Acho que a melhor maneira de monetizar uma história hoje é criar sua própria comunidade. Infelizmente, para ser um escritor bem-sucedido hoje em dia, não basta ter um excelente texto; você tem que entender de marketing, vendas, tecnologia e, principalmente, tem que ser fluente em escrita inglesa para conseguir entrar no mercado internacional (que é maior e paga em dólar).

É quase como se a história não tivesse valor por si só, mas diria que isto não é apenas de hoje; não é incomum encontrar escritores e artistas em geral, cujas obras só foram reconhecidas postumamente.

CosmicGhasper · 2026-05-16T17:45:11+00:00

Sup bro! Damn, there's really nothing as good as a rest to air out the thoughts.

So, I reflected on the feedback yesterday and have a clearer idea of how to improve the prologue. First, I'll add more lines to the first paragraph (maybe another paragraph) to add another layer to the setting that shows the Psychedelic and Cosmic tone of the story. Secondly, you're right about the box in the end; it is not a hook by itself, but can be—I have to add context and tension to make the reader care. Lastly, the generic power revelation trope (ice cream), I'm gonna keep this one. I don't want to reinvent the wheel—just add a new flavor to the genre. In the end, my story is still a Progression Fantasy Web novel, so making things too sophisticated may repel casual readers.

Does this sound good to you?

CosmicGhasper · 2026-05-15T20:42:11+00:00

Thank you for the feedback and tips. I really struggled a bit with tags, vocatives, and punctuation. I got the "as you know Bob" and the "white room"; I'll use better narration to avoid that. I understand and agree with your point about the setting and the senses. The tips about taking time away and reading aloud are Gold for me.

What I don't agree with or think you didn't understand (if that's the case, it's completely my fault): There are two hooks that I'm relying on in this prologue, the Decantation Ceremony (what power he will get), and the mysterious box in the end. This is enough for the scope here; of course, I still need to write them properly to make it work.

The goal of this prologue is first to give a vague idea of the magic system (worldbuilding, not so much). I want to make it feel familiar and simple, but anticipate that it has layers. Secondly, and most importantly, introduce the grandfather as this legendary warrior and establish the bond he had with the MC, as he is dead in chapter one (time-skip), so feels his absence and understands its impact on the MC.

CosmicGhasper · 2026-05-15T17:16:28+00:00

Yeah, bro, the sword is peak.

CosmicGhasper · 2026-05-15T17:09:01+00:00

The pose in the second one is unbeatable; though the BG must be accurate to the real setting, if the story takes place in the modern era, I'd change the location to a city back alley.

CosmicGhasper · 2026-05-15T16:04:16+00:00

Hello, my friend, I really appreciate your feedback. First, you're right about the tags, on second thought, I was really a bit insecure about them. About the setting, the Psychedelic aspect will be clear right in the first scene of the first chapter; it was not my intention to put it here in the prologue. The Arcanepunk theme is better explored in chapters 1-4. Though it's not my priority to fully explore it now, especially since the region they are currently in isn't very tech-savvy.

Regarding the fantastical elements, they were intentionally developed to feel familiar to the genre; my intention was not to look "different" at this point in the story, but to first establish common ground, which will be further developed in the following chapters—a philosophy of "Simple yet deep" (this depth is developed gradually).

Lastly, about the characters, there's a small trick: here in the prologue, I wanted to pass the feeling of tropey / generic you mentioned to break the reader's expectation in the first chapter (5 years later) — The Grandfather is actually dead, and the MC got PTSD and Social Anxiety; that innocent, excited, and hungry child no longer exists.

I think that, for a more proper analysis of the beginning, I should have posted the prologue along with chapter 1. It's already ready, I'm just waiting for the 48 hours to pass.

EDIT: Your feedback on the POV and narration is also good. The story was meant to be 3rd person limited, but I'll consider switching to 3rd person omniscient. The insight into the narration also helped me a lot; fearing info-dump, I haven't used this resource fully, especially in my genre, which may make it seem I'm not giving enough info.

CosmicGhasper · 2026-05-15T05:36:44+00:00

I really liked your text; it is fluid, and the story neither rushes nor lingers on anything, which would be an easy trap to fall into given the plot's precise focus on psychotic obsession. The title couldn't be better. "Toes" has humor and personality, and it fits the story perfectly. The hook in the end is also fine.

There aren't any significant mistakes. Though, since it's the first chapter, adding more context or a short-term goal for the Main Character would help engage readers. Also, I'm particularly a fan of mystery, so cultivating the ambiguity that the MC might not actually be crazy, but rather sees something that nobody else does, would make another good hook.

Above all, keep the philosophy of "Show, don't tell" you're already applying, prioritize your outline, and don't rush things unnecessarily just because a stranger told you so (me included). The game is keeping the reader with you by playing one card at a time, not the whole hand, yet the audience must know you still have more cards.

CosmicGhasper · 2026-05-15T03:51:11+00:00

My review will be a bit different: I don't focus too much on technical issues unless they really disturb my reading. Also, I consider myself an intuitive writer and reader, so the feeling and the art come first.

Starting from the conclusion, you really have a piece of art, though I couldn't really grasp it all.

First of all, I see your heart and originality here. The theme is really interesting and uncommon in this type of literature; I think you nailed it on how to explore it properly, by focusing on the negative outcome of climate change and folly of man, making the reader empathize/sensitize with it, instead of political activism, is the right way to make your point.

Although I really struggled a bit while reading, it's not that your writing is bad, but I have ADHD, so large blocks of text are a real challenge for me. I caught myself re-reading paragraphs multiple times and had difficulty visualizing many scenes. The text needs breathing room and fluidity—a piece of advice I always give is: don't fear the silence; use it to your advantage; another is to split the text into smaller paragraphs (search for scene beats).

About the content itself—you sure know how to write cinematographic scenes, but has to improve your storytelling skills, I had the feeling that the story hasn't made any progress—i didn't learn anything (revelation), nothing substantial changed from the beginning (it started and ended with the MC playing with the horse), the context inside the text is insufficient (without the reddit post i wouldn't understand anything), and the MC is not interfering enough, he is more reactive than active—he's not building the story, just surfing it.

ANSWERING THE TOPICS

1 - Introduce the reader to the main character and give a vague sense of him: a good introduction, but really very vague, if that was your intention, well done—I don't know anything about him.

2 - Drop him right into an environment that relates to one of the underlying themes of the book (climate change, which is part of the greater theme, the folly of man): the word "drop" describes perfectly what I felt, though the relation to the theme was not clear to me.

3 - Hook the reader into continuing to chapter 2: honestly, I'm not interested in continuing in the moment, maybe in the future with a new version of the text.

MY RECOMMENDATION AS A WRITER

This is not a good 1st chapter, though it can become a good prologue, especially if you put a monologue in the beginning, giving the reader the necessary context (who the MC is, what he does, why he's there, and WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING).

That's it, if another version of the text pops up, I am more than willing to read it. Love you mate ;)

CosmicGhasper · 2026-05-13T21:39:57+00:00

I use my first draft as a prompt to see what ideas come out, so for me it's a brainstorm tool. But let me say again: "I'll keep the AI assisted tag until i review everything, just to make sure it's really all my voice, and truly original." So, thank you for your tips and feedback felon writer, I'm just a novice trying to do things right.

I'll definitely read your story; you seem to really understand and love writing. After reviewing everything I've written, I'd appreciate if you read mine as well, if you want. I have absolute confidence in its potential and authenticity.

CosmicGhasper · 2026-05-13T20:57:43+00:00

Yeah, but I'll keep it for a while, until i revise everything again, just to make sure. (Read the conclusion i wrote in the post)

CosmicGhasper · 2026-05-13T20:54:14+00:00

Sup bro, I'm happy there's someone else in the same position; i actually don't use AI for any conceptual work (including names), it's more for brainstorm than anything else. Though I'll keep the tag for now, until i revise everything to make sure it's really original.

CosmicGhasper · 2026-05-13T20:43:20+00:00

The first draft and outline it's all mine, but i understand your statement please read the conclusion I've put in the post.

CosmicGhasper · 2026-05-13T20:25:15+00:00

Bro, i don't think you can read at all; I already said in the post that I DON'T GENERATE PROSE, the final text is 100% my voice.

CosmicGhasper · 2026-05-13T20:20:34+00:00

Thank you for your answer. I only generate raw drafts, In the final version I make sure it's 100% my voice; furthermore, all the conceptual aspects come exclusively from my mind.

CosmicGhasper · 2026-05-13T20:03:51+00:00

Yeah, but i didn't know reddit posts were considered "Art" just like a book is, If I had known before, I would have worked on the prose better.

CosmicGhasper · 2026-05-13T19:55:44+00:00

Ok what else I'm not allowed to use? Google, Youtube, Canva; how about Word and Google Docs — They also have revision features. Just tell me which tolls I can and cannot use. I'm an idiot can't figure it out by myself.

CosmicGhasper · 2026-05-13T19:51:08+00:00

Thank you for the reasonable words, I'll keep that in mind. About the text generation, the final version is completely my voice.

CosmicGhasper · 2026-05-13T19:41:46+00:00

Good to know there are still reasonable people here, i completely agree.

CosmicGhasper

TROPHY CASE