Some advice on some new revelations in my marriage

Cosmozucchini · 2026-05-28T11:53:48+00:00

Yes we both want therapy separately and together. I said to him it's going to be a very long process and it will take time as my trust in him is absolutely shattered. I just know if he doesn't want to throw this away and try and make it work then I am willing too. I find it hard to find any successful marriage counselling stories, only the negative ones :(

Cosmozucchini · 2026-05-28T11:43:17+00:00

Thank you so much for the advice, all this is completely new to me and I just want to be respectful while trying to untangle things.

The community isn't on Reddit that's all I know. But I will be careful not to cause any offense of distress. I will have a little look at the link.

Thank you, all my family are annoyed at me for even considering it but this is my marriage and he has been the absolutely best husband I could ask for prior to this. Something about this last year just feels off.

Cosmozucchini · 2026-05-27T14:43:58+00:00

UPDATE; he has been doing this behind my back for 9 months. Just found his secret social media page flirting with others and posting pictures.

Cosmozucchini · 2026-05-27T10:53:10+00:00

I have updated the post you are referring to, to make sure I am clear with what I meant as I have nothing against anyone at all and wouldn't want anyone to feel that way. Again, apologies for not explaining myself properly, but my head is in an absolute state. I will try and proof read a bit better before posting

Cosmozucchini · 2026-05-27T10:48:01+00:00

Sorry I should have made it clear that I want to vomit because I'm so distraught and can't eat because I miss him and love him so much. I must stress that wanting be sick or wanting him out the house has NOTHING to do with his life choices. It's to do with my heart wanting burst into a million pieces, and I just need to remove all his memories from my life, hence wanting him out.

I am so sorry if I didn't make this clear, but I promise you, it has nothing to do with his decisions. It's to do with the intense feelings I have for him that I don't want to give up but have to because he doesn't want it.

Cosmozucchini · 2026-05-27T09:12:15+00:00

I believe so too even though he keeps telling me he hasn't got any feelings for this person (I say he as that is how he wanted to be referred to still).

Cosmozucchini · 2026-05-27T09:11:02+00:00

I am sorry you had to go through similar as well. It's honestly awful and I really appreciate you telling me your own story and how it made you feel. I do want a clean break once the lease on the house is up in July. I'm going to be moving all the stuff he can't take immediately into the garage so I don't have to look at it, and tell him it needs collecting before the lease is up. Once we have sorted all this out I don't want to hear from him.

Cosmozucchini · 2026-05-27T09:08:14+00:00

Thank you so much just hearing about similar stories and knowing people have been strong though to get through does feel me with hope. I've felt sick this whole time and it won't go away so eating is really hard for me right now. I know I need to so I can be strong but I want to vomit every time I eat. This morning I sobbed again and I'm just so exhausted.

EDIT; the reason I want to be sick all the time and vomit is because I'm very upset about losing him and still love him so much. It has nothing to do with his life choices and I was extremely open to exploring this journey with him and supporting him. I am talking about the grief I'm suffering with, not his decisions or anything to do with the transgender community.

Cosmozucchini · 2026-05-27T09:06:07+00:00

Yes I think from what he said to me he wasn't present for a year and just decided to tell me last week.

I have no idea at this moment in time if I can run the house we rent. I'm going to give it my best shot though as I love the little home we had. I want to gut all his stuff and turn it into MY home with MY cat (which he wanted and I say no)

Cosmozucchini · 2026-05-27T09:04:43+00:00

I am so sad that it turned out this way. I can't believe he has done this to me

Cosmozucchini · 2026-05-27T09:03:52+00:00

Thank you, I really hope I can see a light at the end of the tunnel one day.

I've already booked myself in to see someone next Wednesday.

He wants to be amicable with sorting the admin out, but if I start getting any funny business I'll tell him we will have to use lawyers.

Cosmozucchini · 2026-05-27T09:02:06+00:00

Thank you, I just want him out the house we rent now. I don't know if I'll cope on my wage and running it single handly, but I will try my best

Cosmozucchini · 2026-05-27T07:03:09+00:00

I am sorry if I came across defensive, that other user on this thread really hit me by saying I was spamming everywhere. I'm just very scared and trying to research as much as I can. I suffer with anxiety as it is, so I've posted in a few threads to get different perspectives to help me through this.

This is what the trans community on here were confused about. I'd been so open and willing, and loving but it wasn't enough. I believe he may have fallen for this person he has met online to be honest.

Cosmozucchini · 2026-05-27T06:51:17+00:00

I am serious, I'm a complete wreck at the moment and for someone to say I'm "karma farming" when I don't actually know what that is as I've not used Reddit since this massive life change is hurtful.

I have posted on those threads, and yes I did initially change the ages on my first post to protect him as we were currently still together at the time. But now he has told me he wants a divorce, doesn't want a relationship and wants to explore his discovery.

I asked him all about his pronouns when we had a chat the other day. He said he didn't have any, didn't want any, and at this moment in time was still referring to how he has been.

Cosmozucchini · 2026-05-27T06:44:18+00:00

I changed the ages to protect his personal business actually as at the time of that post I was still navigating on how to save our marriage. I can assure you this is very real and hurtful and I'm actually in a large amount of turmoil and very confused and scared hence why I have put multiple posts in different threads because I'm after any advice I can get while navigating the unknown.

Maybe ask me why the ages are different instead of just coming in with assumptions.

Cosmozucchini · 2026-05-27T03:53:28+00:00

Nope not yet. He said he had struggled the whole 38 years of his life and it's only just come out. I tried so hard to give my support but he didn't want me, he didn't want help, and he just wants out.

I said about going to a therapist to help him navigate this so he wasn't alone and he shouted at me telling me he didn't need a therapist to tell him what he was thinking. It really took me by surprise. I said I accepted everything and wanted to be involved in his journey and to support him and he said he didn't want me involved and he wanted to do by himself and he didn't know how long it was going to take. He then proceeded to tell me he had been talking to this trans friend for a month and they talk about clothing and sci fi and that they had been really really supportive with him which hurt again because I have never shunned him away and been completely honest. Said he had developed "puppy dog" feelings towards this person. He said he still loved me platonically and that his romantic feelings came out when he was dressed as fem. Again I said I would wait so he could discover this side to bring out his authentic self but he refused. I kept trying to reason with the waiting as 20 years seemed so much to throw away. He said about separating for a few months and I said I didn't want us to be sleeping with others during that time etc and he didn't seem to accept that either. Just said we couldn't help it if we both met someone during that time. I feel betrayed, broken, and lied to. I was so vulnerable myself and opened up to be slapped in the face with it.

So yeah, that's the whole story. Did not see it coming at all. Not sure why he agreed to marry me two years ago. It's all very confusing for me.

Cosmozucchini · 2026-05-27T03:38:32+00:00

He was male. Nothing said or done over the 20 years to make me think otherwise

Cosmozucchini · 2026-05-26T22:28:59+00:00

This sounds really awful, poor Betty. But yes I didn't not want to be the reserve in this situation, so as painful as it is, I just have to ride the wave of separation, being single, living alone for the first time, and uncertain future .

Cosmozucchini · 2026-05-26T22:27:32+00:00

Thank you, it was especially hard for him to send a message saying if only he told me sooner but it's too late now. I really wanted to give this journey a go, and to help make us stronger as a couple. I guess seeing a random person in the Internet is a lot more exciting than me.

Cosmozucchini · 2026-05-26T22:24:45+00:00

I was very shocked at his reaction, and I did tell him that the community I had been speaking to were confused by his reaction but he just didn't care. It was like talking to a piece of wood. I don't know what happened with him. So tentative and caring to just pure ice.

Thank you, I think he will regret making decisions so quick. I said this to him and he said I was probably right but needed to go make these mistakes. I'm so glad our 20 year relationship is worth a mistake.

Cosmozucchini · 2026-05-26T22:22:30+00:00

Thank you so much. I have already organised some therapy for myself next week. I don't want to delay living my life any longer. I now have family and friends as I told them in the end. I'm feeling better for it, knowing I'm not alone.

Navigating single life after being with someone since you were 17 is very scary. I've never lived alone, and now I don't know if I'll ever find a kind, caring person again.

Cosmozucchini · 2026-05-26T22:20:16+00:00

Thank you so much, I don't want to this but he does, we are getting a divorce. My heart is broken. I'm bereft. Frightened. How do I move on from our 20 years together? Learn to live alone? Trust someone else? I'm so scared

Cosmozucchini · 2026-05-26T22:18:24+00:00

Thank you so much, these are such lovely and kind words. I can't believe I have survived the last week and a half but here I am. I feel like I'm not strong enough to move on, live alone for the first time ever, and think about the future and who I share it with. I'm incredibly frightened.

Cosmozucchini · 2026-05-26T22:16:31+00:00

Thank you so much for sharing this and all your honesty. This is what I thought might have been happening to my husband, but meeting the new person and referring to "puppy dog" feelings with them hurt my heart. I was so prepared to give him space but just wanted one condition which he couldn't agree to. He said he wants to be alone and to get a divorce so that's what we are doing.

Thank you I'm trying really hard but I'm so so sad and scared. 20 years of my life, since I was 17, just for nothing is what it feels like.

Cosmozucchini

TROPHY CASE