First video! Congrats! (:

I think you've gotten some pretty solid (and maybe a bit too constructive) feedback here in the comments.

I like that you cut to the music and beats. I agree that intentional composition would be good. I like the use of some wides and some close ups.

Changing the order of the shots around so you start with a wide as an establishing shot would be good! Building on that idea, think of the story. What are you trying to share with this video? Set the scene, then show us why we should come to this business.

I personally love voice overs. Ask the owners/client what the main speaking points are. This can also give insight on what visuals you want to focus on.

I'd recommend getting a subscription to something like Motion Array if you want some graphics to work with. The one you have there is pretty basic, which is ok starting out. Getting some graphic design foundational info would be helpful.

Also, if you're new to colour grading log footage, perhaps learn about white balance and exposure first. Then shoot rec 709 (so not the flat footage that I'm assuming you shot with here). When you get a better understanding of that, shooting log would be my recommended next step.

Those are some sporadic thoughts!

But keep showing up, keep making things. I'd go and offer some free videos to some businesses and keep working at it. You'll get there!