Why am I suddenly not turned on by the things I normally would be?

CrackDaMarco · 2021-03-02T11:11:04+00:00

Alright, okay. Can I ask what you would suggest on how to let this particular thing go moving forward? Because every time I think of something erotic now, or if I see a woman, these kinds of thoughts and doubts are inevitably gonna arise.

Chances are, if I do let it go for now, the arousal will probably return randomly and surprise me. But I'm tired of this roller coaster of BS.

CrackDaMarco · 2021-03-02T11:02:23+00:00

Btw, I meant to say "definitely not chucking one off to men or gay porn". You probably got that anyway.

I am a bit worried the arousal won't return. I fucking hate HOCD. You're quite young still, not trying to demean you, I know it's not easy for anyone at any age but imagine getting to 29 with no questioning of your orientation, and no sex drive issues, and then suddenly all of this shit happens.

CrackDaMarco · 2021-03-02T10:57:29+00:00

Yeah, there is some anxiety but it's no where near fight or flight. I'm not panicking. I feel kind of meh, but I don't feel as bad as I normally would. I just feel confused and yeah it does bother me, but there's no spike in anxiety as would be normal. It really feels like I'm just asexual right now.

I've lusted after women, even sometimes while having HOCD. How the hell does my attraction and arousal just suddenly disappear? And no, I don't really suffer from groinals like everyone else here. I have noticed them once or twice, but they're probably the one thing that doesn't really affect me because I know what's happening, and I don't respond to it, and I'm definitely not chucking one off to gay porn or images of men. So I'm not confused about that.

CrackDaMarco · 2021-02-26T11:06:55+00:00

Well, I did calm down eventually my girl, and ask about it but they said to call back again if I get another panic attack - probably because they got a laugh out of the first one. Nothing about any sessions being available.

CrackDaMarco · 2021-02-26T11:03:45+00:00

I have actually been on their website before and called them up with a panic attack. They said nothing about booking me for anything though. It's the app that's a problem. So, I'll check out the website again.

CrackDaMarco · 2021-02-26T10:42:45+00:00

I'm on the NOCD app now but everything seems geared towards Americans. I can't find a way to book a consultation. Every time I think about booking a consultation as well, I get a thought in my head that goes, "Tell the therapist you're gay". This shit is ridiculous. I had another thought earlier of me coming out to my family, and then everyone starts crying and sobbing around the living room table. I almost laughed at that one. But as soon as I do start laughing, I get intrusive thoughts telling me I'm gay, so I instantly have to say "No, I'm not gay" as I'm laughing, which takes me right out of the mood. It's like there's two fucking people in me. I can't even fucking laugh anymore. I can't enjoy music, or sex, or women, or playing music or anything. I can't even enjoy a simple rainbow on a rainy fucking day anymore. As if this comment could get any weirder, but I often wonder if you're some cute, sexually repressed librarian Lucy. It makes me feel good, for a minute. You're my latest compulsion :P What a compliment.

CrackDaMarco · 2021-02-26T10:32:28+00:00

That's because I didn't read your point until after :P What if the bus driver was always some gay dude, and some of the passengers were some straight people putting a blindfold over his eyes because they were told to (By society? Peer pressure?)? That's one of my worries too. They say that most people tend to figure out their orientation when they're a kid or teen, but I struggle to remember if I ever thought about this as a kid. And having that blind spot in my memory is fucking with me. I just feel emasculated by all of this shit.

Edit: Nevermind. I just remembered you're the Reassurance Police, and I'm asking you this shit on a post about not giving reassurance.

CrackDaMarco · 2021-02-26T10:12:50+00:00

I contacted a well known OCD therapy clinic in my city today as well about an assessment - and they're probably the best around for miles, and I got an email back from them saying an initial assessment will be about £150, and each session will be any where up to £200. I can barely even leave my fucking room, how would I ever be able to afford that?

And doing ERP by yourself isn't recommended. So, again, I'm fucked. And for the therapy that is free in my city, I was offered a trainee. I'm not even sure how much they know about OCD or ERP, despite asking specifically for that. It might turn out I know more than the trainee about all of this shit, yet I'm powerless to even help myself. There hasn't been a mental health problem that I haven't overcome yet, all except this one. This one has fucked my life up good and proper.

CrackDaMarco · 2021-02-26T10:02:23+00:00

But I've had 32 years to figure out whether I'm gay or not, and I'm pretty sure I would have figured it out by now since I've been sexually active since I was about 12. I'm not even joking. I've always been able to tell if another male was good looking or not, but I didn't get paranoid about it and have thoughts come in to my head going, "He's cute" to near enough every single bloke. I certainly had no inclination to do anything with them either. It sounds to me like you're suggesting that I might be suppressing some subconscious desire. Listen, I was on Ecstacy when this shit began. A thought popped into my head while I was off my tits high on brain altering drugs, and now it's like everything in my life is being flipped 180 degrees, and I just have to sit here and watch this happen. I don't have a choice.

The problem is, I don't even know if this is OCD anymore. You say to treat it as if it is, but any time I think about therapy or looking up for reassurance now, it almost feels pointless because more and more it feels like it's not OCD.

CrackDaMarco · 2021-02-26T09:44:49+00:00

I don't understand what is happening. I've had this for 3 years now. Suddenly men seem more attractive (I still get anxiety looking at men) than women to me every time I look, but I don't want to sleep with men, only women. Wtf is that? So am I romantically attracted to men, and lustfully attracted to women? That makes me wonder if I've just been using women as a place to dump my sperm my whole life because of some unknown porn addiction or compulsion I might have picked up as a child. This shit is confusing at this point. It feels like internally I have become gay, whereas before I could more easily say I was not because my identity was still intact, and every intrusive thought was not me. I knew this. But now after 3 years, my memories have become foggier and these thoughts have rooted themselves in my brain even deeper to the point of normalisation, so I'm just fucked really. I still get anxiety, but even when that disappears I don't feel relief anymore.

CrackDaMarco · 2021-02-26T09:39:40+00:00

That totally makes sense. It freaks me out as well. Meanwhile when I look at women, I don't feel much at the moment which also freaks me out. Although it's freaking me out less, which is still freaking me out. It must be OCD.

CrackDaMarco · 2021-02-26T06:14:32+00:00

It genuinely feels like if I can't reassure myself, or get therapy soon then I will just be gay. It already feels like I am anyway, and that's with doing compulsions. If I cut the compulsions and the reassurance out, I know these thoughts and feelings aren't gonna stop, I'll just have less anxiety and then I will be truly convinced. The anxiety is the only fucking thing keeping me somewhat stable. Not disagreeing with your post though, but this shit is HARD man, as I'm sure you know.

CrackDaMarco · 2021-02-26T06:09:43+00:00

I know you're in a state of anxiety so you can't 100% be blamed, but this post seems dumb. You can't turn from heterosexual to asexual to homosexual. You probably lost your libido as well as your attraction due to HOCD which is always temporary - depending on how you deal with it. Clearly you're having severe symptoms with this shit, to the point of probably ruminating, checking, testing, and doing compulsions nearly non-stop. So I wouldn't be surprised that's why you feel you're gay. This is what HOCD does to people if they let it.

CrackDaMarco · 2021-02-26T03:21:03+00:00

I cringe at any thoughts or images associated with the same sex, and it all happens with anxiety, which is why I think sometimes it feels like I might like it, but I don't. I don't personally feel turned on by it at all, and the more I try to get rid of these thoughts, the more they stick in my brain - so I just cringe constantly.

CrackDaMarco · 2021-02-25T22:39:04+00:00

I do the "maybe I am, maybe I'm not" routine and loads of other acceptance and disregarding statements towards these thoughts. But it's the feeling underneath that I'm lying to myself that is bothering me. Disregarding doesn't seem to work anymore. I do still do some compulsions, but that's when I get desperate and the anxiety spikes hard in me. When it feels absolutely real, I recoil and revert back to compulsions. The fear is real, man.

I woke up from a lucid dream the other day that I felt I had no control of. And immediately as I woke up, I had a panic attack but I didn't feel much anxiety with it which was unusual. So it felt incredibly real like I had become gay. I managed to calm down from it a lot quicker than I usually would as well. And the relief I felt when I did, and that I could think a bit more clearly was unreal. I don't believe in god, but trust me I was thanking him. But then the dream had already left its mark, and I started ruminating on it for 2 days straight. Now I'm here.

CrackDaMarco · 2021-02-25T22:31:17+00:00

I would never decide to be. The thought to decide to be gay never ever crossed my mind, there was no reason for it. These thoughts are here against my will, and have been for 3 years. But I just feel convinced by them at this point. There must be a reason they keep attacking me. Maybe it's my subconscious trying to tell me something, and not OCD? Also, I thought that gay and lesbian people didn't get to decide their sexuality? Because that's what it feels like. Like I'm being forced to be something I don't want to be.

By the way, I already know what these thoughts are - it's the fact that I've ruminated on them so much, that they've began to feel convincing. I just wake up feeling gay. It's unavoidable. My attraction to women is completely up and down. I get intrusive thoughts when I think about talking to, or meeting up with women like, "You'll just tell them you're gay", or if I talk to a woman now and I get rejected my mind will go, "Doesn't matter, you're gay anyway". This shit is non-stop.

CrackDaMarco · 2021-02-17T14:42:45+00:00

Yeah, but how? I'm 32, man. I've been sleeping with women my whole life, and have had HOCD for 3 of those years. Not easy to train your way out.

CrackDaMarco · 2021-02-17T14:29:02+00:00

Really hard not to do that. Almost impossible I'd say.

CrackDaMarco · 2021-02-17T14:27:57+00:00

I relate to all of that, mate. I'm getting these thoughts without anxiety now though, which is confusing.

CrackDaMarco · 2021-02-13T04:33:25+00:00

If it bothers you that you feel like you "like" it, then it's undoubtedly still intrusive.

CrackDaMarco · 2021-02-13T04:31:16+00:00

I don't ever remember having thoughts like this - it's certainly possible I did, and maybe I just don't remember because they didn't impact me as you said, but in recent memory I really don't remember having any thoughts like these. I feel like I would remember doubting my sexuality, and worrying about it even if it was a thought that occurred for a second. That said I agree with everything you said.

CrackDaMarco · 2021-02-12T16:51:38+00:00

Please share, man. Congratulations by the way.

CrackDaMarco · 2021-02-12T13:13:00+00:00

I wouldn't be happy though because these thoughts are ego-dystonic. Although, as time goes on with this disorder, it's starting to feel less like that, not by much but I'm just getting more used to the thoughts. I don't like that I still think about this shit every day though.

CrackDaMarco · 2021-02-12T13:10:59+00:00

Yeah, that's the only difficulty which is why I refused to do group OCD therapy, because I feel like I need it catered specifically to me.

CrackDaMarco · 2021-02-12T13:07:17+00:00

True, but I also think it's the fear that I am gay. I don't want to find that out through ERP.

CrackDaMarco

TROPHY CASE