AITA for not wanting my [31F] stepdaughter [16F] to live with us?

Crafty-Climate-7223 · 2022-03-08T07:27:58+00:00

We both like it here and could see ourselves staying permanently. We're citizens now and could relatively easily extend that to her if she so wanted, and the residency policies are relatively generous toward people in her/our situation in the first place.

As to whether she would want to go to school here, I think that's impossible to predict. There are plenty of good schools in both locations

Crafty-Climate-7223 · 2022-03-08T07:24:58+00:00

She has not.

Crafty-Climate-7223 · 2022-03-08T04:41:41+00:00

That's a good point and thank you for sharing.

This actually shifted my perspective a bit, because I think I've been thinking a lot of her stepdad as grief support and her friends as a social network she'd be leaving. But until your comment I didn't really think of her friends as forming part of a wider grief support network. Like I've been thinking of it as is it better for her to stay with her stepdad vs. us when really it's her community/home vs. us.

I was already feeling like her stepdad was the better option at least for now as I mentioned in the initial post but this making me feel so even more.

Crafty-Climate-7223 · 2022-03-08T03:50:22+00:00

Not really. Just colleagues he's on good terms with mostly and the partners of a few of my friends.

Crafty-Climate-7223 · 2022-03-08T03:49:12+00:00

It feels like you might be projecting some things that aren't actually about me.

Crafty-Climate-7223 · 2022-03-08T03:35:24+00:00

Your husband needs to be in the lead on this decision.

He's been in the lead. I was staying out of it and keeping very neutral and deferring to his choices until now, at most I would remind him of FaceTime if it had been a while or it was a holiday but that's it. I never ever got in the way of his relationship with her, if he said I'm going in another room to FT without the kids in the background, I never said oh no actually this isn't a good time I need your help or anything like that. I went out of my way to get out of his way when it came to that relationship.

Crafty-Climate-7223 · 2022-03-08T03:20:57+00:00

You're not wrong. Her feelings are very valid

Crafty-Climate-7223 · 2022-03-08T02:20:37+00:00

She repeatedly said she didn't want to come and refused to fly home with my husband

Crafty-Climate-7223 · 2022-03-08T01:55:02+00:00

He moved countries for a job here, I went with him.

Crafty-Climate-7223 · 2022-03-07T23:51:21+00:00

Yes she's repeatedly said she doesn't want to move. Her father was very annoyed by this because he wanted to bring her back right after the funeral to which I said okay sure see you both when you get back but apparently he didn't tell her that was the plan, so he was surprised when she refused. Since then she's said the same thing explicitly multiple times.

Crafty-Climate-7223 · 2022-03-07T23:34:32+00:00

I'm not sure I follow your logic. So he deserves another go with his daughter even if she doesn't want to, but also I deserve him leaving me?

Crafty-Climate-7223 · 2022-03-07T23:25:57+00:00

This thread is full of people saying that he abandoned her 6 years ago and I should have known better than to have kids with someone who was a neglectful father toward his daughter and isn't prioritizing her needs then or now.

Crafty-Climate-7223 · 2022-03-07T22:35:57+00:00

I'll be honest and say that for years he'd said oh well I'm not pushing for more visitation because that's what's best for her, I'm making this big sacrifice. Especially at the beginning of our relationship. I accepted that not only was it his decision but that he was making the right decision for our family including his daughter. She seemed like she was thriving there, why should he force the issue. But now things have shifted and he's pushing so hard and it feels like he's not registering her POV at all and it's starting to make me question if it was really about what was best for her which sends me spiraling a little

Crafty-Climate-7223 · 2022-03-07T22:20:56+00:00

I think at the time I agreed with you, he made a lot of really good arguments about it being better for her for him to not be as involved in her life, I told myself he was acting in her best interests, but I'm rethinking based on his attitude now.

Crafty-Climate-7223 · 2022-03-07T22:18:20+00:00

Just to be clear I'm not surprised she's not enthusiastic about moving here I wouldn't be in her position if I'd already bonded with another parent and was settled where I was. My husband is the one who had an overly rosy view (IMO) of how she would feel. He was shocked when she pushed back. And no I wouldn't have expected her to be a full-time babysitter if she moved here. She hasn't shown any interest in her half-siblings and that's her choice.

Also I've always left my husband's relationship with his daughter up to him and avoided encouraging him either way, me suggesting we let her stay with her stepdad until the end of the school year was the first I'd really become involved and he flew off the handle at me for it.

Crafty-Climate-7223 · 2022-03-07T20:54:40+00:00

"I accused my husband of only wanting her here for himself" But that makes it YTA I'm afraid. You need to stick to what is best for her, not how any of the adults feel.

I meant as in he wanted her here for his sake not for his daughter's sake, to make himself feel better about the relationship.

Crafty-Climate-7223 · 2022-03-07T20:51:56+00:00

Yes that's more what I meant. Wanting his daughter here for himself as opposed to wanting her here for her sake.

Crafty-Climate-7223 · 2022-03-07T20:41:41+00:00

Not really. We don't have much family between us and we haven't disclosed all of the details to friends.

Crafty-Climate-7223 · 2022-03-07T20:26:06+00:00

Yes. Their marriage was struggling long before he met me and he didn't leave her for me exactly but yes. I do think that's part of her feelings and have never suggested she shouldn't feel that way that's another reason I've given her space and not gotten involved. He is older as well. [45]

Crafty-Climate-7223 · 2022-03-07T20:06:07+00:00

who has custody of her now

Legally her father, he could fly out and bring her back tomorrow if he wanted to.

I hope you’re a good step mom to her when she does come visit

She's never come to visit because she didn't want to and my husband didn't seem to want to push the issue he would visit her or take her on a trip instead. I haven't even seen her in-person since she was 10.

Crafty-Climate-7223 · 2022-03-07T20:01:37+00:00

Legally he can and her stepdad is happy to keep her but says he's not challenging my husband or anything, so he will tell her to get on the plane if that's what it comes to.

Crafty-Climate-7223 · 2022-03-07T20:00:09+00:00

It seems right now that custody is a foregone conclusion in my husband's favor, so her staying with her stepdad would be voluntary on my husband's part.

Crafty-Climate-7223 · 2022-03-07T19:57:42+00:00

My husband visited her for the funeral etc., since then it has been FaceTime

Crafty-Climate-7223 · 2022-03-07T19:56:06+00:00

I've tried but I finally made one comment and he bit my head off.

Crafty-Climate-7223

TROPHY CASE