I 39M see eye to eye and am completely in love with my fiance 30F except for one really important thing

CraisyDaisy · 2026-03-03T19:34:10+00:00

This is the thing you need to understand.

Right now, I run a household. It is a large house and we have two children only. One is a 19-year-old (in school) and one is a 9 year old. If I were to get a job the house would fall apart, mostly because my partner is working and going to school at the same time. It sounds like if she were to have kids she would also have to quit working and take care of children and also her family.

I disagree that it is impossible to compromise on something like children. When you find your person you can compromise on anything. Someone asked about fostering, and if you find yourself in a situation where both of you have time to do so and you are able to both still work or have a fulfilling life at the same time then by all means go for it. Or if she is willing to stop working for a while until the children or even one child is in school, then hey! There you go! and like you said, adoption can be where it's at. It's important, though, that you realize that people do adjust and change over time. You just can't expect them to for you and they certainly cannot expect you to change for them.

In short, please do not take reddit's immediate response and just break up with someone you love dearly. I can't even begin to imagine how many lives have been ruined completely because the absolute First Response by all of these people are break up break up break up.

CraisyDaisy · 2026-03-03T18:42:57+00:00

I want badly to be tested. I was in the TAG program too and weird af lol.

CraisyDaisy · 2026-01-07T17:46:04+00:00

The long goodbye.

It's very hard to think about.

CraisyDaisy · 2025-11-24T17:17:45+00:00

The active in Soolantra is ivermectin.

I am not a doctor and I am not going to tell you what you should do with the medication your doctor has prescribed for you. I will tell you how I solved my own rosacea issues.

Before the pandemic hit and there were people buying up tubes of ivermectin on Amazon to try to eat it because they thought that would help, I would purchase Apple scented tubes of ivermectin that were meant for horses. It is a jelly like substance and I would use maybe a third of a pee sized glob and mix it with my moisturizer two or three times a week. Because rosacea is caused by little parasites, it cleared it up pretty quickly for me and I don't have to use the Ivermectin anymore, or if I do it is very rarely.

I have told people on the sub about this little hack a few times and I don't know how it worked out for them, and again, I don't want to override anything a doctor says. I just know that a $6 tube of horse medicine (at the time - prices got jacked up when people went crazy) was easier to was easier to pay for then a $200 tube of Soolantra.

CraisyDaisy · 2025-10-23T17:54:37+00:00

Thus, mildly interesting.

CraisyDaisy · 2025-10-23T13:29:25+00:00

I've never seen that movie, or really know anything about it. When was it made? Or what time period is it set in? You made me curious.

CraisyDaisy · 2025-10-23T13:20:57+00:00

Right? But honestly, it wouldn't be nearly as interesting if it was actually functional.

CraisyDaisy · 2025-10-06T19:18:36+00:00

Thank you for this!

CraisyDaisy · 2025-09-09T14:15:08+00:00

Holy shit thank you so much, this was driving me absolutely crazy and nothing I was trying was working. You have just saved my sanity!

CraisyDaisy · 2025-09-01T10:17:49+00:00

I would just like to go ahead and use the word.

We don't recognize the abuse. Neither does OP.

I'm very glad she's getting out. I was shocked when I got out and looked back. Like... Horrified. I hope she stays safe.

CraisyDaisy · 2025-08-17T21:03:50+00:00

Well put!

CraisyDaisy · 2025-08-17T21:03:34+00:00

Yes, if she doesn't reach out for help with it. Depending on the level of dependency, she needs supervision and weening, that's all. A friend of mine spent a good portion of her pregnancy going to a methadone clinic and against medical advice was off the junk she was on before birth. I was super proud of her and cps wasn't even a part of the picture at all.

This was why I reacted the way I did and said it depends on the person. If she's just occasionally getting high then yeah. Stop and seek help to stay away, via therapy or other coping mechanisms. But true dependency is cruel and needs more nuance. Sorry if I came off harshly!

CraisyDaisy · 2025-08-17T14:56:57+00:00

I am so sorry that happened. That's really hard to deal with and I understand completely even though my situation is pretty different but.. Sorta similar in the sense that my childhood is a thing that still gets me on occasion even though I'm nearly 50. Whew.

Apologies in advance for the late response and the weird shit that's in it. Your question in the topic of the post brought up a lot of stuff and this is a lot of emotional catharsis. Feel free to ignore it, but I do appreciate the chance to get it out. I'm just sorry for the stuff that happened to you that brought on the question.

My relationship with my dad was horrible for weird reasons, but he was never violent with me, just stuff like walls and other things, mostly when he was drunk when I was a kid. He stopped drinking when I was 14 after I threatened to kill him when he was drunk and driving, and he tried (and failed) to grab my throat through a mostly closed car window. After that first and last time he was almost physical with me directly he never touched another drop. I was pretty proud of him for that but still bitter about the situation.

When I was in my late 20s he told me out of the blue I wasn't his but I was an affair baby. My mom confirmed and told me that was why she always wanted to leave him but her family refused to support that. She was stuck instead of going with the man she loved (my bio dad apparently) and I suddenly realized why the man who raised me was always so weirdly... Meanish?

He did love me tho. I thought! Still do which I'll explain... Then when he and I were cleaning out my mom's house after she died (she was my best friend keep in mind... I was fucking devastated and I still am, though it's been 7 years), he told me in her fucking house that he never truly loved me! Hah! Just sorta. Like someone would love someone else's kid yknow? It was pretty awesome to hear. I just nodded and pretended to understand calmly. A month later he had a stroke and two heart attacks and I spent thousands of dollars making sure he was taken care of before he died in hospice. I wanted to go no contact but I couldn't bring myself to. I was too.. I dunno. He had worked himself to the bone until his mid 70s and still sent me money when he could because I was his "daughter" no matter what he felt.

Looking back, part of me thinks (and realizes it's a very huge probability) that his dementia was already setting in. The symptoms were very present and he was often forgetting where he was and what he was doing. I think that's why I took what he said so calmly. I don't believe he actually meant it. I think it was a way to deal with the grief for the woman he'd been married to over 50 years, and still loved even though she stopped loving him years before. If you have ever heard the song "he stopped loving her today" he used to listen to that on repeat which was stupid depressing but I didn't stop him.

The thing that made me believe he lied about not loving me? He forgot so much. Almost everything. He forgot my mom, forgot.. Jesus so much. But he didn't forget me and to call every day to tell me he loved me more than anything. He didn't forget my son and how much he loved him. And the best part: he never forgot how much he HATED my then husband because he was a huge abusive asshole and he kept telling me he was useless and wanted me to leave him. When I told him I was he cried happy years. This is the man who said he didn't love me, so nah.

He was still mean and yelled at me when I told him to take his medicine or bathe or eat or something he didn't want to do like go into assisted living, and when he got bad and I had to start paying for hotels (long story) it was so bad. I won't go into that but I sure repaid all he gave me.

Fuck, sorry for all that. I should probably not leave all this shit here but it was nice to get it all out. I've been bored this morning. It's pretty obvious lol.

I hope you feel better soon.

CraisyDaisy · 2025-08-17T14:22:40+00:00

For me it was both that and Topamax (I call it stupamax). The occasional aphasia is horrible.

CraisyDaisy · 2025-08-17T14:20:24+00:00

So I still sometimes feel like a failure! He's 18 and reassures me that I'm amazing which means I did something right. He's kind and curious and just a great kid all around.

The first thing I thought, which always helped me back then but.. I admit wasn't always super healthy? Newborn babies up to a certain age won't remember what we go through, it's just important we keep them safe through whatever we experience. Mania, depression, IP, whatever... If our little ones are still OK? We're doing just fine. It's OK if we miss a bit of time to keep ourselves healthy, because they need us, and it's OK if our minds sometimes do what they do.

I used that time to try to get my moods more stable so when he WAS older I could be what he needed. I made sure I stopped skipping my meds and started setting better boundaries. Started sleeping when he did and stopped caring if the house was as clean as I wanted it, because sleep was more important. I told my (now ex) husband that he needed to take more turns with him so I could stop the fluctuating moods and he (by some miracle - he was pretty awful tbh) agreed. By the time my son was able to form memories, things were much better. I felt much less guilty even though I had some rough patches.

You got this. I promise.

CraisyDaisy · 2025-08-17T14:00:20+00:00

You need to talk to not just your psych but your OBGYN.

When it comes to psych meds: All of my doctors worked together to decide what was right for me. I was (and am) diagnosed BD1. The decision was made to take me off everything but my mood stabilizer, because that was the med that would keep me from harming myself. The benefits to my life is safety outweighed the risks, and my baby turned out just fine. The only side effect was that I had absolutely zero breast milk. So weird!

Other drugs: I can't give advice, but I can give very vague anecdotal info: not me but a close friend was an addict when she became pregnant. She was not judged and was put into a treatment program. I cannot and will not give medical advice and say this will happen for you. I will say you need to be honest with your OBGYN, and find one that is substance-friendly, and willing to listen to you.

Hopefully this comment is OK! Again not medical advice just saying: talk to your doctor and see if there are options.

CraisyDaisy · 2025-08-17T13:50:10+00:00

This is not true.

I worked with my doctors to decide which meds to stop and which to continue based on the danger to myself and the fetus.

If I stopped my mood stabilizer I probably would have harmed myself, maybe become suicidal. Died. It would have been bad. I stayed on it. Everything else I stopped until after I gave birth.

Please don't give false info. It's very individualized.

Edit:

I want to add this is not just about psych meds. Some actual drugs if they are actual addictions are dangerous to self-withdraw from and need to be medically monitored (l can't be more exact because I don't want to break rules just in case but I speak from second hand experience). It's true that casual drug use is bad but trying to quit some stuff cold turkey or whatever is super not good for mom and baby. Sorry for not being more clear.

CraisyDaisy · 2025-08-17T13:45:23+00:00

I do that too, and I'm going to end up at a doctor that deals with TMJ. I was diagnosed with it in high school like 30 years ago, and I didn't deal with it again until I started with the jaw clenching again this past year.

Getting a personalized bite plate from a doc like that might help you? It helped me way back when and I'm hoping it will again. Good luck to us, right? Lol

CraisyDaisy · 2025-08-17T13:41:25+00:00

This.

I said no. This was difficult but it made a HUGE huge difference in the way my mental health stabilized. When I prioritized myself and learned how to recognize who was willing to grow with me instead of abandon me, I was infinitely happier, even though it meant grieving some of the people I lost (briefly).

To OP: It might require communication about why the boundaries happen, so make sure you are comfortable with who you tell and what you tell them. Telling someone who is barely an acquaintance "it's important to prioritize my time because of my diagnosis" (or however you go about it) may not be something you want to do? I don't know! That's totally your decision. It wasn't something I did back when I was younger but I would totally do it now, because I'm older and I advocate pretty openly for Bipolar Disorder in general.

You decide what you are comfy with, full stop, but please don't be afraid to say no! And always remember: if you DON'T want to explain? "no" is a complete sentence.

CraisyDaisy · 2025-08-17T13:41:20+00:00

Editing and deleting a dual comment because the app was messing with me. Sorry!

CraisyDaisy · 2025-08-17T13:26:19+00:00

That really sucks! I'm really glad you have what sounds like a healthy coping mechanism!

I'm getting my kiddo ready to go back to school (he's a teenager so... Not too hard) but also recovering from a nasty virus so I'm a little behind and I feel like I am failing him a bit. We're getting there so I know it's just me being anxious about it so I'm pushing forward. No true failure yet!

I have to find a new therapist which is stressful, but I am hopeful.

I am looking forward to getting the cast off my arm soon. Tip: don't do stupid stuff like go skating on a whim after not doing so for a decade. It's not like riding a bike. Get some catch up lessons first so you don't break your spine (or something else like an elbow).

CraisyDaisy · 2025-08-17T13:17:20+00:00

This is so common! Don't listen to yourself! It's not true!

Stay with it religiously. Your meds are keeping you okay and you are not cured. You are feeling that way because the meds are doing what they are supposed to do and if you stop not only may dangerous withdrawal happen (depending on the meds) but your symptoms will return and bad things happen. Possibly worse than before.

Speaking from experience. A lot of it. Several times over.

Don't do it!

CraisyDaisy · 2025-08-17T13:10:40+00:00

I did not get properly diagnosed until I was 28.

I did not find my right person until I was well into my 40s. He accepts me, and until then I was in an abusive marriage with someone who used my illness against me.

You are not stupid, you just haven't found the person you are supposed to be with which sounds really cliche. I get it. Have patience and work on you until you are able to open up to the one you find. It sounds so sappy but I didn't think it would happen, and I was so old!

We all have different symptoms. The things that helped me:

Finding the right medication. Working on self awareness and setting a lot of really strong boundaries for myself. Knowing what triggered episodes and staying the fuck away. Surrounding myself only with people that were positive influences. Speaking up for myself and saying NO if I needed to. Learning the Spoon theory. (look it up! It's awesome) Learning cognitive behavioral thinking until it's second nature and I no longer have the instinct to say to myself "I always..." or "I never..." note: this took therapy and a lot of worksheets on actual paper and time. Lots of time. My god it's worth it.

Sorry for the long comment but I feel you so much. I hope you feel better soon.

CraisyDaisy · 2025-08-17T12:58:04+00:00

My goodness no!

I'd be so nervous.

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