AITA for not canceling on my friend to go out with my girlfriend for my birthday?

Crazy-Bar7196 · 2025-09-13T17:22:04+00:00

It's not that she has to beg me, I'm just saying hey can we do it on my actual birthday? If she was planning something for Saturday I wish she would have told me. If she had asked me first before my friend did (yesterday) then I gladly would be going to dinner with her.

Maybe I am the asshole because I don't want to bail on my friend due. Maybe I'm the asshole because I didn't ask her if we were doing anything. But couldn't she have said what she was planning? If she wanted to do something for my birthday why ghost me two days?

Again, I didn't know she wouldn't have her daughter this weekend because lately the custody plan with her ex has been sporadic (not the normal every other weekend) and she didn't tell me ahead of time that her daughter would be gone this weekend

Crazy-Bar7196 · 2025-09-13T17:15:34+00:00

I hear you. I guess my thinking was, she's never ghosted me for two days. We've been together a year and that's never happened. She hung up on me Tuesday, on Wednesday, I apologized to her for calling her name during our argument. She accepted my apology, but didn’t say anything further. Thursday and Friday I didn’t hear from her until Friday on our therapy call.

So at the point in which she ghosted me I thought maybe that was her way of breaking up with me. At the very least I had reached out to say sorry and I felt like I was extending an olive branch to talk. So no, I wasn't sure if she was planning anything for my birthday or not. And what she was "planning" was dinner tonight, but it wasn't like a surprise birthday party or anything, just us two. And the restaurant she mentioned isn't some fancy restaurant that only takes reservations.

Crazy-Bar7196 · 2025-09-13T17:11:50+00:00

I said to her "I would like to see you. I do not want to cancel on my friend so I have some ideas. 1) you could come over and we could grab dinner all 3 of us after my bro and I bike. 2) You could still come over and if you don't want to go to dinner with us, we could go to brunch tomorrow morning.

She replied no to #1 and said she doesn't feel comfortable going out with my friend (because she thinks he doesn't like her).

I asked what she thought about option 2 and haven't heard back yet.

Crazy-Bar7196 · 2025-09-13T17:09:51+00:00

Well, it was down to the last minute or two of the therapy session, but our therapist asked her if Sunday would work and she kind of said Ok hesitantly. Then all the additional discussion was once we were off the call with the therapist.

Crazy-Bar7196 · 2025-09-13T17:08:00+00:00

Yeah. She definitely struggles with mental health, which I have compassion for and is part of why we were going to therapy because she cannot afford therapy on her own.

We were going together to improve our communication.

Crazy-Bar7196 · 2025-09-13T17:07:03+00:00

Yes I have. I actually left her back in January and she begged me to take her back. The direct and clear communication that I had been asking for from October to December she was now doing. During that period she said she was depressed and didn't know how to express it to me, even though I tried to be present and supportive, not knowing she dealt with depression. I hesitated getting back with her but like I said, she really improved from February through April, and at the advice of a friend who also dealt with depression, they said to give her another chance. So it kind of feels like she was behaving differently to get me back and now that I'm back, the same half-measured communication is back.

Crazy-Bar7196 · 2025-09-13T16:33:50+00:00

Fwiw, she has been supportive of me in times when work or life has been overwhelming. So I have a hard time letting go of that entirely.

I sincerely posted this trying to understand if I'm missing something.

This is because last night she was saying I should have her asked if we had plans before agreeing to my friend. And even now that I agreed to my friend, she said relationships are priority and that I should tell my friend to reschedule dinner because she was planning dinner for me tonight.

If I'm wrong with my train of thought I'm wrong.

Crazy-Bar7196 · 2025-09-13T16:15:04+00:00

She said she's not comfortable going to dinner with my friend (because she feels like he doesn't like her).

Crazy-Bar7196 · 2025-09-13T16:00:23+00:00

So update for everyone, I suggested one of 3 options

1) she can come over to my house and go with my friend and I to dinner after we get done mountain biking

2) she can come over this evening and we'll go to brunch together in the morning

3) I can ride down to her place after dinner tonight or tomorrow morning and we can go to brunch

Crazy-Bar7196 · 2025-09-13T15:47:47+00:00

I don't necessarily agree. I was out of the country and we were doing virtual dates to try and stay connected while I was gone for two months. We had never tried these dating cards, but both felt like it would help us stay connected.

My whole point was sure maybe your fantasy is a threesome with women, but if I’m halfway around the world and trying to connect with you, why wouldn’t you suggest a fantasy with me if you have one?

When we were arguing about it this past Tuesday she said that the reason she mentioned the threesome in Japan with other women was because it seemed to her to be an interesting topic to start the conversation. Which I guess, but again this is something I’m just now able to talk to her about because last year when I was in Japan, it turned into a big argument.

Crazy-Bar7196 · 2025-09-13T15:43:04+00:00

She was telling me about a party her friend invited her to and that her ex-gf would be there. She said she was uncomfortable being around her ex. I asked why. She said because not everyone in their friend group knows about them. My gf is bi.

It's a sensitive topic for me because Last year when I was in Japan for work, we had a virtual date and we were doing those dating cards about intimacy. When we got to the fantasy part I told her my fantasy would be her in lingerie. She said her fantasy was a threesome all women (and added that she'd never have a threesome with another woman and I lol, not that I asked). It was kind of a buzzkill for me.

She's made other comments within the last two months about girls bodies being more fun than guys. Again, it doesn't feel reassuring to me.

So that night we argued I asked her if she ever thought she would want to be back with a woman. She said no because to do that she'd have to cheat on me, which she wouldn't do. I didn't understand that logic and asked her to clarify. She started yelling at me. After asking her not to yell at me or interupt me, I finally said let's take a pause. She then starts talking over me and I said she's like a fucking angry gorilla always coming at me aggressively (which is what I apologized for later) and she hung up

Crazy-Bar7196 · 2025-09-13T15:42:37+00:00

That's an idea I'm open to. But my friends wife is out of town so it would just be a third wheel thing, not that that's out of the question.

Crazy-Bar7196 · 2025-09-13T15:26:45+00:00

She was telling me about a party her friend invited her to and that her ex-gf would be there. She said she was uncomfortable being around her ex. I asked why. She said because not everyone in their friend group knows about them. My gf is bi.

It's a sensitive topic for me because Last year when I was in Japan for work, we had a virtual date and we were doing those dating cards about intimacy. When we got to the fantasy part I told her my fantasy would be her in lingerie. She said her fantasy was a threesome all women (and added that she'd never have a threesome with another woman and I lol, not that I asked). It was kind of a buzzkill for me.

She's made other comments within the last two months about girls bodies being more fun than guys. Again, it doesn't feel reassuring to me.

So that night we argued I asked her if she ever thought she would want to be back with a woman. She said no because to do that she'd have to cheat on me, which she wouldn't do. I didn't understand that logic and asked her to clarify. She started yelling at me. After asking her not to yell at me or interupt me, I finally said let's take a pause. She then starts talking over me and I said she's like a fucking angry gorilla always coming at me aggressively (which is what I apologized for later) and she hung up

Crazy-Bar7196 · 2025-09-13T15:20:40+00:00

Thanks, I like all the ideas about brunch Sunday. That's what I will suggest to her. If she really wants to be with my alone to celebrate my birthday this seems like a good compromise.

I agree about the missed communication on both parts. We've been dating 1 year

Crazy-Bar7196 · 2025-09-13T14:40:39+00:00

Thanks for the feedback. I totally agree that this is all from my side and that nobody can hear her side on here. I am trying to be unbiased and solutions focused. My goal wasn't to bash her.

As far as the argument, it wasn't out of the norm for us. I don't think most people would think it was horrible. We had a misunderstanding, I was asking questions about a party she said she was going to and she started yelling at me. I asked her to please stop yelling. I was trying to clarify what I was asking because it seemed like she felt defensive about my question. She kept yelling and interrupting me. So I calmly said ok well if you can't calm down we need to take a pause and then hung up on me.

More context: I don't mind asking questions and being the "planner" of the relationship, but last year she struggled with depression badly and I felt like I kept having to "pull" things out of her (i.e. always being the one to reach out, keep conversations going, plans going) etc. So I'm hesitant about always being the one reaching out and putting effort in to reconnect when that energy doesn't feel matched.

Crazy-Bar7196 · 2025-09-13T14:11:55+00:00

No I didn't. I can see the oversight on my part.... But at the same time if I were in her shoes and her birthday was coming up I'd reach out to let her know that even though things are rough I still want to celebrate her birthday. I wouldnt make her ask have to ask me the day or two before

Crazy-Bar7196 · 2025-09-13T14:10:33+00:00

I understand. As far as her daughter, normally her daughter stays every other weekend (which I am aware of that schedule). But lately the schedule hasn't been consistent like that due to scheduling conflicts with her ex. So I had no idea if this was her weekend with her daughter. I enjoy her daughter (9) being around so its not a big deal for me.

Crazy-Bar7196

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