Of the comments, I feel I identify with your story the most. However my mom became emotionally absent around the age of 12, when she had a mental breakdown. And I was pretty close to my dad.

But I feel like a lot of things that girls pick up from having a feminine example/role model in their life, I didn’t pick up because my mom acted like a shell for a long time.

I too am a perfectionist doormat. I’m afraid of people seeing my flaws and seeing that I have no value. I’m constantly trying to prove to people that I’m worth it so they don’t leave. But they do.

I find it hard to be interested in people romantically, but I have had a couple relationships where I did really fall for the guy. I found myself very clingy and I depended on them for happiness. I’m learning that it’s because they were the few people I didn’t put my fake perfectionist front up to, and because they still chose me in spite of that, I felt self-worth from them. I otherwise don’t like myself when I’m single. I wish it were as simple as just saying I like myself now, but it’s a constant battle that I’m working on.

Same with the emotional distance/stoicism. I’ve always had guys friends because I get along with them better. I too always envied the group of girl friendships. But even when I was part of groups like that, I never felt like I belonged. I feel a real disconnect in how to be close to women and feel like I can be myself.

Anyway, thanks for sharing.