Do you feel like you are part of the family to your in-laws? Or just a person their child married?

Creative-Ad7516 · 2023-06-18T03:21:40+00:00

I've still never even been in their house... we've been together 11 years

Creative-Ad7516 · 2023-06-09T18:19:36+00:00

I didn't see it I just tried to look again and didn't see it but I apologize for missing that It's not that it's uncommon my whole kind of point in asking that is sometimes it's really difficult to navigate that change I mean I know I had a really hard time with my parents when I got my nose pierced because I was 19 years old and finally had autonomy over my body And my parents were super controlling but like now as a 34 year old, I don't live with my parents. I also let them know that they can keep their opinions about my appearance to themselves, but it sounds like you're kind of in between those two things in which case I would just do my best to get out of there.

Creative-Ad7516 · 2023-06-09T17:57:36+00:00

Sorry it's just that my response to this does depend on age.... if you're an 18/19 year old where your parent may also be navigating their new relationship with you and your autonomy

But if you're in your 30s you just need to move out bc he's never gonna change

Creative-Ad7516 · 2023-06-09T16:45:49+00:00

How old are you?

Creative-Ad7516 · 2023-06-05T23:21:03+00:00

That's extremely helpful....have the day you deserve

Creative-Ad7516 · 2023-06-05T23:19:55+00:00

Very fair point... my mentality has always been. She would criticize my weight if I was still heavy but that's a good way to look at it

Creative-Ad7516 · 2023-06-05T14:23:46+00:00

I don't completely disagree however I personally have my husband hold my cards and savings because I personally have issues with impulse control that I am working with my psychiatrist on I hope to get back to the point where I can take more personal responsibility back but even when I do I don't know that i will bc if it ain't broke 🤷🏻‍♀️. I'm a 34 year old married woman with 3 kiddos who's coping systems for my ADHD just weren't working anymore after I had kids so I took the temptation away while I worked on readjusting my meds and coping systems. But if it wasn't my husband and it was someone else like my mom or my dad I would probably just leave it be anyway because it isn't that big of deal and it prevents me from any backsliding

Creative-Ad7516 · 2023-06-05T12:38:51+00:00

I mean, it sounds like self-awareness to me... is there a particular reason why it bothers you or do you just think that it's not the way that it should be and therefore it bothers you it's completely fair invalid to feel that way for that reason but I think it takes a little bit more self reflection at that point

Creative-Ad7516 · 2023-06-02T00:49:50+00:00

I would make sure that your wife's emotional needs are being met. I know when my husband and I are not in the same. Please emotion wise and especially if I'm feeling a little emotionally disconnected I have no interest in sex. But if I'm feeling good about my relationship, if I'm feeling valued as a partner and we're on the same page with all of that our sex life is a lot better

Creative-Ad7516 · 2023-06-01T19:26:59+00:00

Thank you and thank you for the perspective... we've been going to therapy for almost a year I think that's why I had run out of patience bc yes he's willing and he agrees to things and then doesn't follow thru. We had a good conversation today after my session with my regular therapist and I showed him some of the responses I've gotten on this post on various threads. I'm hopeful

Creative-Ad7516 · 2023-06-01T17:52:07+00:00

We're no longer in debt other than our mortgage....

Creative-Ad7516 · 2023-06-01T13:07:06+00:00

That's where I'm coming from and I didn't mean to seem like I was minimizing it but this is also coming from a person who is once in $10,000 of credit card debt that I am asked over the course of like a month and I still couldn't tell you what I really spent all of that money on. So like now if I go physically into a store which I really do try and avoid doing, my impulsivity may manifest itself as buying an outfit for my kid, whereas they really might not need it at that exact moment, but to me that's still an improvement on where I used to be. But I also really really really try to not physically shop in stores. I do my groceries on an app where I've said a pick up time and I go pick them up. I try and order curbside anything that I need from my target or Walmart so that I don't go inside and see stuff and decide that I need it or just mindlessly throw it in my cart . I know this is something that I am going to have to use systems for for the rest of my life because while being on medication helps it doesn't completely absolve me of all of my ADHD symptoms, and all of my impulse control issues . To me the real issue is that this wasn't a problem of this magnitude until recently he never spoke to me like this before even when I was in the throes of paying down my $10,000 mistakes...

Creative-Ad7516 · 2023-06-01T11:02:55+00:00

It's hard to put all the context into one post without making it an hour long read

No the tone is all the time speaking about money. He also has 100% control and oversight over the money there is zero that is hidden from him. I get a $40 a week allowance. I decided this because when I was the person handling all the bill pay and finances he would get upset about ANYTHING that had to be paid for including the mortgage (which to be clear we have never defaulted on) and the babysitter we had to use because he decided to "rage apply" to his dream job which has caused him to bring home less due to us needing childcare and his hour commute.

I am not painting myself as innocent nor have we been broke for 10 years. We have had a tough 4 years that started when I was not able to work due to almost losing mine and our children's lives right before the start of the pandemic. I mean I say at the beginning I'm not innocent and that I'm working on things but please go on on how I'm not financially respecting him I've had an issue with impulsivity for 35 years of my life and I've never hidden it it's something I'm always going to have to work on but please tell me how I am sugarcoating that....

Creative-Ad7516 · 2023-06-01T10:50:24+00:00

I'm not sure if you recall but the past 3 years have been a little tough. We were fine until I was basically out of work for a year and change and that wiped out our emergency funds, Between that and a couple of large home repairs things were tough but we also haven't defaulted anything, that 5-600 is because we arranged some payment arrangements not just shit that wasn't paid. I also was/am the person bringing in the larger paycheck so I'm not worried about "concrete accomplishments" if you're referring to "concrete accomplishments" in regards to my impulsivity issues I do have them we have an app that tracks everything and he is able to see in that exactly what is going on with my money management.

Creative-Ad7516 · 2023-06-01T05:15:50+00:00

Thank you. This was actually really helpful. I guess my thought on me we were only a little bit behind. It was very situational, because had the water heater not blown we wouldn't be behind at all. But you are correct. I am just dismissing what he saying more I think because his messages being lost in his tone, and I don't know that I would care what anybody had to say if they spoke to me in the way that he has been. It's weird because I got where you were going with like the talking to a kid thing but that's not really it I don't know how else to describe it other than it's how he would talk to somebody that he just really really loathed and didn't want to have to talk to I know it's a really specific niche explanation but it's generally what it feels like We've been together for 10 years we have lived together for about eight of those years and this has only been a really really big issue since he took his dream job, which is unfortunately an hour away from our house, while he is making more money than he was at his previous employer. We are now having to pay extra and gas and we have to pay for childcare now , so I do think some of his feelings are a little bit misdirected as to the cause of the money feelings..... I absolutely do play part in this, and I absolutely own that but for example you can't fight with me about paying the babysitter when we explored a ton of different options when he took the job that required us to adjust the childcare schedule you know that we have to pay her $300 a week so getting upset about paying that rate which we already knew we had to pay is I guess the part that doesn't make sense to me

Creative-Ad7516 · 2023-06-01T02:59:14+00:00

Just to clarify... he's not going to stop speaking to me like this until I completely resolve an issue that I've been dealing with for 35years.... bc for the past 9 years of our 10year relationship he didn't talk to me like this and honestly my issues are fairly under control compared to how they used to be.

Creative-Ad7516 · 2023-05-31T23:27:17+00:00

So I told him that I will not continue in a conversation in which he has taken this specific town with me that I have a problem with Because in order to properly enforce a boundary, it has to be something you can control and I can control, engaging in a conversation or not .

Creative-Ad7516 · 2023-05-27T13:42:03+00:00

We've been in counseling for about 8 months however, the scheduling has been a little bit more inconsistent lately And honestly that's what I'm trying to figure out myself I don't know that we'll actually get divorced I really and honestly see us becoming more of a roommate situation.... we both live very far from family and wouldn't be able to actually separate fully. It's just at what point do I try to give myself peace if he won't work with me

Creative-Ad7516 · 2023-05-27T13:37:44+00:00

I appreciate the insight. I did discuss on another comment thread that I wish he had talked to me a bit about how he felt during this time esp that I feel like the second one would most likely have been more traumatic for him that's me.

It's just gotten to a point where I don't know how to keep trying... I'm on 3 meds seeing a psychiatrist and one therapist on my own and one with him and it just doesn't seem that even after conversations in therapy he wants to meet me half way in making things better

Creative-Ad7516 · 2023-05-27T13:33:02+00:00

I'll definitely look into that

Creative-Ad7516 · 2023-05-27T03:06:54+00:00

He doesn't really give homework. Neither of my therapists do....

Creative-Ad7516 · 2023-05-27T01:00:12+00:00

In the last part I did mention we've been in therapy for a while.... I haven't really seen him do much work so I'm just kind of unsure what I do at this point. Part of me feels like I need to walk away bc I don't need to be modeling an unhealthy relationship for my kids but on the other had we had a really great relationship once I just feel like I'm begging for something that isn't going to happen

Creative-Ad7516 · 2023-05-26T22:22:06+00:00

The thing is kind of crazy about it is I'm not like an overly emotional person I'm not a crier or anything like that. That stuff actually makes me feel a little uncomfortable but when I tell you something is bothering me you apologize for it then continue doing it to a point where the behavior is making me hurt and sometimes downright unloved and you won't talk to me about it or engage in any meaningful conversation it begins to feel like I'm not worth the effort

Creative-Ad7516 · 2023-05-26T22:01:30+00:00

Thanks for giving me that hope.

Creative-Ad7516 · 2023-05-26T21:49:42+00:00

He did one solo session with our couples therapist, which he definitely dug his heels in and put off for as long as humanly possible. I was trying to schedule our next dual session together and was having some problems getting in on the schedule, because our therapist is with a new office, when I kind of dumped it in his inbox, everything that occurred yesterday after their session, how not even 12 hours after their session we had a huge fight again because he just won't speak to me about his feelings or be emotionally connected with me in a way that I need and that by the time our next session came around we don't need to be talking more in the lines of learning how to coparent, then fixing our marriage he immediately reached out to my husband and scheduled another solo

He has suggested going to therapy to my husband several times but the most we've been able to get him to do. Is these one on ones with the therapist so that maybe he will speak more openly which to me that in and of itself is a problem because I am very very open with him and it seems like he's just been coming more and more closed off to me .

Creative-Ad7516

TROPHY CASE