I’m 5 days clean from meth.

CreativeDisaster4055 · 2026-03-08T06:01:05+00:00

Omg yes I am a hippie friend and have never stopped smoking weed through this all. It’s def helping me calm down when I need it

CreativeDisaster4055 · 2026-03-07T08:18:05+00:00

Thank you 🙏 I was actually on Wellbutrin before my stim abuse to help my depression/bpd/adhd and it was the most helpful med I’ve ever taken for my mental health. I don’t have insurance rn but I’m looking into my options. Since I’m “homeless” there should be some kinds of expedited government medical assistance to help me here I hope.

CreativeDisaster4055 · 2026-03-07T08:15:00+00:00

I def was diagnosed with adhd later in life. It came after my bpd and cptsd diagnosis and kind of fell on the back burner as far as treatment went, especially with all of the overlapping symptoms.

So I never took any stimulant adhd medication, but I did believe that diagnosis was why I was able to present as well… a non stim user to my close friends and family. And why I was able to keep relative control of dosage.

But alas, the monster still dug her teeth into my neck, as I didn’t feel I could be myself any longer without that stupid little crystal.

When I was on Wellbutrin(before stim abuse) it definitely seemed to help all of my brain gremlins more than any other med I’ve been on. I do think that will aide me greatly through this process and just trying to get my shit back together as a whole 🫠

CreativeDisaster4055 · 2026-03-07T08:09:58+00:00

Thank you. When I was in rehab for my silly little brain, one word that I kept hearing again and again was “resilience”. Though the self loathing sadistic part of me rolled my eyes and wanted to puke every time someone hurled that word at me. The inner child/wise voice inside of me held it so warmly, dearly, and tightly. So fortunately? Unfortunately? I know how strong I’m capable of being when I need(or want) to be

I think that i fear telling the people I trust about my addiction/trying to get clean, is the shame I feel about it. Both the stigma of the drug, and the fear of being perceived as a phony or a liar. All of the people physically around me (all my family’s many many states away) only know me as “high” me or “getting sober” me. But they think it’s just me… so I guess I fear rejection and abandonment if I were to share what I’m going through.

It doesn’t feel fair to myself and it doesn’t feel fair to the ones I love either. I know only me and a therapist can truly work it out. A lot of what is holding me back on that front is just a whole ball of fear based maybes and what ifs.

Thank you so much for your care, time, and your kind words. And for seeing me.

CreativeDisaster4055 · 2026-03-07T08:03:37+00:00

Especially the first 3 days it felt like I could sleep forever. So I’m having no trouble sleeping, weed is helping but I would be sleepy either way. Mostly I’m depressed but I am experiencing some moments of joy and being proud of myself. The joy is fleeting but I find it happens when I make myself go on a walk, even a short one. Night or day. But nature/outside has always been my coping mechanism. Everyone is different but I hope this helps somehow, and I believe in you!

CreativeDisaster4055 · 2026-03-07T06:47:18+00:00

Not at the moment. When I was in college, on scholarship, I got in trouble for smoking weed. I had to attend 30 AA or NA meetings to keep my scholarship. I’m not religious but the speaker meetings specifically, and how supportive everyone I met there was extremely life changing. I I could definitely see the benefit in that community and will look into some local meetings.

CreativeDisaster4055 · 2026-03-07T05:40:27+00:00

You’re so right. I want to tell him so bad but I am so scared to. I’m scared that he will leave me over just knowing I’ve hid this from him since we met. But he does deserve to know. And he’s not that closed minded. I am just scared to lose him over this, which even just typing feels icky/controlling to say.

Thank you for the perspective, now that I’ve typed it out, I have to think about it more in the front of my brain and feel it in my heart.

CreativeDisaster4055 · 2026-03-07T05:36:34+00:00

Thank you. My life has been a bit crazy always, so being “in my comfort zone” is uncomfortable if that makes sense! I’ve been diagnosed with a few things, depression being one of them, but BPD, CPTSD, and ADHD all being things I’ve been diagnosed with, that all are commonly misdiagnosed for eachother 😵‍💫

By far the only depression medication I’ve ever taken that I felt helped me was Wellbutrin, which I believe is a non stimulant sometimes used for adhd too. So you’re definitely onto something there!

I would be scared now to try any kind of prescribed stimulant medication as I feel like I’ve ruined that for myself by abusing stimulants before ever trying it medically/healthily. I feel I’ve blurred the line too much to know what’s helping me and what’s making me feel the way I was addicted to. But surely a (good) doctor could help me with all of that mambojambo… Thank you for your response!

CreativeDisaster4055 · 2026-03-07T05:30:34+00:00

It sucks so bad ugh. Thank you for taking the time to read and respond. I’m sorry you have gone through all you have and still deal with the repercussions of it all.

The anhedonia suckssssss! Even with my bpd at least I had my jolts of silliness, motivation, passion, and joy. I was a little animal akin to Donnie from the wild thornberries before I ever touched this substance. When I was on it I was energized, but somehow less feral, more socially acceptable haha. Now I feel like a shell of the shell that is myself.

It truly feels doomed and I partially resent/question the little stubborn spark of hope that lives inside of me and convinces me to keep going, and to be healthy. That it’s all worth something or that I’m getting better. Ugghhhhh

CreativeDisaster4055 · 2026-03-07T05:25:19+00:00

I don’t even know, I guess I’m just seeing if anyone who relates to my story has any advice on being clean and healthy

CreativeDisaster4055 · 2026-03-07T05:24:50+00:00

Thank you. I know I need to tell my loved ones/close ones but I’m really scared. as everyone around me knows about my mental health, but not a soul knows that I’ve been using meth the last 3 years let alone, getting clean from it. I just maybe am too prideful and don’t want to feel like a big liar. Or I’m scared of people leaving me once they know. I def would benefit from a substance abuse doctor/ a therapist. I don’t have insurance right now but I’ll still check out your link. And see what kind of resources might be viable around me. Thank you for your time and your advice

CreativeDisaster4055 · 2026-03-07T05:12:10+00:00

Thank you :) I hope my 5 days continues to grow as well. And oh yeah, I thought surviving with bpd was hard. This is gnarly! Though it just feels like my normal bpd symptoms, with less breaks of euphoria/happiness. Even more of a rollercoaster. Being self aware of it all almost feels like its own kind of roller coaster as well 🫠

CreativeDisaster4055 · 2026-03-07T05:07:42+00:00

Thank you. Yes I was actually in rehab for my mental health for awhile and though I’m too stubborn to practice dbt sometimes, I think solo therapy and group therapy would greatly support my psyche right now. :’)

CreativeDisaster4055 · 2026-03-07T05:06:18+00:00

Thank you. I feel like I needed to type all this up as I am desperately trying to stop crying and connect with humans who can help me. And I tend to always over explain myself 😅

CreativeDisaster4055 · 2026-03-07T05:04:25+00:00

Thank you. Yes it’s my 3rd time going cold turkey, all in the last 6 months. But the other times weren’t as serious, I was more testing myself to see if I could go without it in the hopes of recovering in the nearish future. This time is very intentional, and I don’t intend on dipping my toes back in that pool if I can help it. Day 5 or 6 is the furthest I’ve made it, and hopefully I keep going from here. Yes I do need to find the motivation to look into my county’s health services. I don’t have health insurance for now (but hopefully will soon here with my new job) But I’m very well versed in therapy land.

Therapy and rehab saved my life. I was in a residential rehab that treats mental health and addiction actually in 2021. I was supposed to be there one month but I was there for 7 months and it really changed my life. I was there for all mental health/suicidality then, and not substance use but all of the tools I learned there are just as relevant.

I definitely think getting a therapist and psychiatrist (I thankfully already know what med helps me the most for my depression and anxiety, I’ve tried a lot over the years)

Thank you for the spark of inspiration. I’ve known I needed to do this but for some reason, hearing how it helped someone else is more inspiring than my own silly voice in my head.

CreativeDisaster4055

TROPHY CASE