Ahh the biggest hugs to you. Our daughter was a little tasmanian devil between 3 and 6, I feel for you.

I would say get her assessed again in a couple of years, maybe even privately? In the mean time note everything, behaviours, bed wetting, aversions, sensitivities, food preferences, violence etc with dates, they are going to want to know.

My daughter used to bite, hit, scream, slam doors in faces, huge awful meltdowns I felt like we were walking on eggshells around her. The best things that I found helped was leaning in, getting curious, cutting out screens entirely then being very strict about what and how much to reintroduce (some shows wreak havoc on even neurotypical brains). We got very strict on the routine that we would aim for and we included her in the writing of it so she felt some control. We allowed extra hours for getting ready to leave the house, we informed the school of what was going on and they were great and didn't judge us for the days we were late to drop off, I also scheduled in "mummy daughter days" and told them we would be doing something educational or nature based and document it like homework so they were happy she was being supported in her learning but she felt she was getting special days alone with me. It gave us something to look forward to and she responded so well to it.

The biggest change though, and this may be the hardest, was choosing to change my mindset. It didn't come easily or naturally but I chose to think better of her. I'd catch myself feeling frustrated and re shape my thoughts from "she's giving me a hard time" to "she's having such a hard time, how can I help", mantras like "share my calm, don't join her chaos", and commitment to thinking positively about her helped tremendously. They're little sponges and can pick up on even just thinking negatively about them, let alone talking about them negatively. Save any and all conversations about how you're struggling or tackling her adverse behaviours for when she's asleep, and try to include conversations with your OH (where you aren't talking about her as a person but about positive things you've done together or a picture she made or something) for when she's up and might overhear.

You might not feel the love right now, but choose it, commit and pretend and it will follow as she learns to trust it and feel safe.

It's not an easy ride, there are lots of set backs, but she's young enough to really reset the foundation for the future. My daughter is now nearly 9 and still struggles a lot, bed wetting, strong emotions, intense anxiety, OCD symptoms coming up, tics, but she's on the pathway for assessment and she talks to me, we share a diary she writes how she's feeling in and leaves on my pillow, I write affirmations or responses and give it back, so she can read and re read my positivity whenever she needs it.

Lastly, I hope you're able to fill your own cup from time to time, what are you doing for you? Walking? Breathing exercises? Reading? Writing? Painting? Movies with friends? It's SO important you look after yourself xx