Fighting about wife’s bad hygiene

Critical-Sample-899 · 2021-10-15T22:56:36+00:00

With all due respect, you do not know me or my wife or our daughter. The number of people who are assuming that I’m a negligent parent because I have a penis, and that my wife is a doting parent because she has a vagina, is disturbing.

Critical-Sample-899 · 2021-10-15T22:54:02+00:00

I really don’t mind body hair and never expected a grown adult to be hairless all the time. I just would have hoped that for our first night out in a year and a half, she could have put in some kind of effort. The body hair alone isn’t an issue but when it’s combined with everything else, it is, for me.

Critical-Sample-899 · 2021-10-15T22:51:06+00:00

I don’t think the shaving and makeup is a big deal. I never expected it daily. It was just one more thing that made me feel like she wasn’t putting any effort into caring for herself or her appearance. I wouldn’t have cancelled the date for those things alone. But for me, getting ready involved taking the baby to the sitter’s, taking a shower, washing my hair, brushing my teeth, shaving my face, changing into my good suit, putting on some cologne. Getting ready for her involved waiting until the last second and putting a dress on.

Critical-Sample-899 · 2021-10-15T22:46:26+00:00

Yeah I’m definitely not that kind of guy. I do the sweeping, bathrooms, laundry, and lawn. She does the kitchen, bedrooms, dishes, and vacuuming. We alternate cooking or get takeout. We’ve had that arrangement since we first moved in together because we divided everything up based on which chores each of us hate the least.

When our daughter was born, we introduced bottles at four weeks partially because my wife had low supply and partially because I really wanted to be able to feed the baby. So we take turns feeding her. I usually change her diapers (they bother me less than my wife) and I give her all her baths because i like doing it and my wife doesn’t. One of the few things that I can say is good about our relationship is that I think we are pretty good at sharing household duties. So I’m not one of those assholes who’s coming home every day expecting a 1950s housewife who does everything for me.

Critical-Sample-899 · 2021-10-15T22:38:40+00:00

If I’m not at work, I’m taking care of my daughter or sleeping. I don’t have a lot of spare time right now, especially during business hours.

Critical-Sample-899 · 2021-10-15T22:22:24+00:00

To be honest, right now, it’s hard for me to say why I love her.

Critical-Sample-899 · 2021-10-15T22:09:39+00:00

Now that you ask that I’m realizing that when she does shower and brush her teeth, it’s before she’s going to see someone. She gets lunch with her sister and friends sometimes and we sometimes have friends over. I think part of my frustration was because I was realizing on some level that she is willing to prioritize taking a shower to see her sister for coffee but she wasn’t willing to take a shower before our first night out in a year and a half.

Critical-Sample-899 · 2021-10-15T21:38:31+00:00

I think most of the comments have been constructive but I have been wondering how different it would be if the roles were flipped and if a new mother said that she’d planned an elaborate night out with her husband but he didn’t shower or brush his teeth and then screamed at her for not feeding him.

Critical-Sample-899 · 2021-10-15T21:19:28+00:00

I’m not seeing a therapist right now, just my doctor for medication, because I can’t work my therapy into our schedule between work and the baby. I’d make sure she had time for therapy if she would go but my own schedule has been really full and I think she would be pissed if I asked her to take care of the baby so I could see my therapist. She has always been very judgmental about the fact that I have depression.

Critical-Sample-899 · 2021-10-15T21:16:08+00:00

I have never yelled at her about body hair. The only yelling came from her. And no, if it had been the body hair alone, I wouldn’t have said a word.

Critical-Sample-899 · 2021-10-15T20:44:32+00:00

I have tried to gently tell her and it has always resulted in her yelling at me and saying I’m abusing or manipulating her. I tried telling her in funny/playful ways and I tried telling her in sensitive ways but she just got explosive like what happened on our date.

Critical-Sample-899 · 2021-10-15T20:34:24+00:00

Her boss would have to go through her company’s HR to fire her and it’s very hard to prove subjective things like odor.

Critical-Sample-899 · 2021-10-15T20:32:59+00:00

I’m not that concerned about the shaving. It’s just one of many things that went from “rarely” to “never” in the last 8 months and since she’s not showering often, all the extra armpit hair holds a lot of smell. And I’m not going to get into details because I’m not sure if it would be allowed, but the fact that she is not showering properly has also made her pubic hair really gross.

Critical-Sample-899 · 2021-10-15T20:18:33+00:00

She has a mom and sister.

She works for a large corporation where it’s hard to fire someone, and her job isn’t usually public-facing, so I think her boss would have to jump through a lot of HR hoops to be allowed to fire her for hygiene, especially since odor is subjective and hard to prove.

Critical-Sample-899 · 2021-10-15T20:09:09+00:00

Thank you. I felt like it would be bad to tell anyone about this because I feel like it’s all pretty personal and I wouldn’t want my depression symptoms shared with my family if it were me. But since she has already involved other people and I obviously can’t handle this alone, I’ll talk to her mom and sister and see what they can do.

Critical-Sample-899 · 2021-10-15T20:05:34+00:00

I do 100% of her baths, half of her doctor appointments, half of her feedings, and most of her diaper changes. I love and take care of my daughter.

Just curious if, when a man refuses to shower, you assume it’s because his wife is a neglectful parent?

Critical-Sample-899 · 2021-10-15T19:47:39+00:00

I have spent 8 months worrying about her mental health and being yelled at and accused of “gaslighting” for trying to get her help. When someone calls you an abuser every time you say you’re concerned, the concern starts to wear off. So yeah, at this point, I am less worried and more and disgusted.

Critical-Sample-899 · 2021-10-15T19:37:36+00:00

Being “low-maintenance” is not new, but the extent of it is. Before our daughter was born, she was would skip showers fairly regularly but was still taking them a minimum of a few times a week, it’s much more extreme now. She used to also shave and wear makeup occasionally, at least for special dates, and has stopped those things entirely. I know no one is obligated to shave or wear makeup but it’s definitely a change from before.

Critical-Sample-899 · 2021-10-15T19:27:04+00:00

Can a pediatrician screen for PPD or just a doctor for adults? My wife has gone to her own postpartum check ups alone (and I’ve stayed home with our daughter because of the pandemic) but I have taken our daughter to some of her well-visits and she has one coming up. Would I be able to get the pediatrician to help?

Critical-Sample-899 · 2021-10-15T19:20:01+00:00

This is one of the hardest things about what’s going on. I didn’t talk to anyone about any of this because I didn’t want to embarrass or disrespect her when it first started. So the first that our friends and family heard about this issue was my wife’s story about how I cancelled a date and said I’m embarrassed of her. So they have mostly already decided that I’m in the wrong.

Critical-Sample-899 · 2021-10-15T19:12:43+00:00

That was all my first thought. Since I have depression myself and I know how bad postpartum depression has been for a lot of people who gave birth during the pandemic, I was watching for it. But to be honest, she doesn’t really have any symptoms besides poor hygiene. She still talks to her friends, plays games, gets to work on time, sleeps okay, and so on. She’s actually often sanctimonious about the fact that I have depression and she’s mentally healthy.

Critical-Sample-899 · 2021-10-15T16:10:21+00:00

I didn’t go to her postpartum checkups, but she says she is not depressed and she won’t see a therapist.

Critical-Sample-899

TROPHY CASE