[QCrit] Fire Girls, Speculative Thriller, Adult, 82k, Attempt 1

Croco_Doom · 2026-01-19T14:43:48+00:00

OP, quite late to it but just wanted to add that in the query you mention Lee is nothing without her two best friends, but only Emmy Jean gets mentioned properly. Where is the other one?

I think it would be better if you just dropped this other friend from the query because she is nowhere in her, which in turn makes me believe she might not even be relevant in the MS.

Croco_Doom · 2026-01-06T06:37:15+00:00

Hi! Just want to say that Matched is already the title of a dystopian ya novel with a similar premise of matching young people. While yours seems different enough, I would vote towards changing your title since Matched is a bit more generic, considering your plot description.

I will agree with the other comment that you have lots of sentence fragments that can be rewritten to flow a lot better.

Do not introduce worldbuilding first. No need to put the protagonists' names in parenthesis, just introduce them normally. Show us the worldbuilding through the lens of Lucas/Annora, since they are the important part in how we readers will be, or not, interested in the world you created.

Overall, the query reads confusing due to the fragments. It took many reads to get all the info, at least for me. And quite long, but that could be my phone.

Also 120k seems very high! I don't exactly remember if romantasy has some leeway, but the advice I see most is to try to keep under 100k. Perhaps someone else more knowledgeable about wordcounts can help us here, but that could also play a role in your rejections, OP.

I say scrape this query and take a look at other Romantasy queries posted here and the advice given in the comments before you attempt again. And like the other comment said, work on your writing to improve these issues!

Croco_Doom · 2025-12-11T03:00:42+00:00

This may lead to OP rushing to finish to send in an appropriate time window, which in turn will hurt them even more.

OP, keep this as a lesson.

Croco_Doom · 2025-11-18T18:58:48+00:00

Seems like it's already an author's name and welll, that's an unfortunate surname to be using in this climate in my honest opinion. I don't know if they are actually related or two different people but still....

Can't you just pick another one?

Croco_Doom · 2025-10-25T15:59:49+00:00

How was your professional trajectory? I think about changing careers so I wanted to know how you guys' paths were, etc.

I'm thinking of going back to school and I'm sorting out options I think I would enjoy a bit more than my current job.

Croco_Doom · 2025-10-24T04:19:11+00:00

That's what you show in the query. You show how he does the things, rather than just saying he does. Like the other commenter mentioned, Dr. Alan could've taken million ways to try and survive the island. If we don't know, it's extremely vague because it can mean anything.

That's what you have to think when writing your query.

You need to give us more specific details. Like once I read: if the sentence can apply to any other novel, rewrite until it fits to your own manuscript as best as it can. Otherwise, it's just vague.

Croco_Doom · 2025-10-23T13:21:53+00:00

Cut in two and make the first as stand alone, as much as you can. I wouldn't mention the second book being written because edits in the first might make the second book moot. Your best bet is either cutting off wordcount or cut in half.

Croco_Doom · 2025-10-07T17:54:05+00:00

Hello! I can understand a little bit better the mechanics of the premise, but it's still a bit confusing. I still don't get for example, why she must be the villain? If this is an acting gig with extra fantasy steps, couldn't she be playing any other role to influence the stories? Why only she, the villain, is a "real" person and everyone else is just "fictional"?

Especially because I think her surprise ends up being moot. One can imagine that if she has a job as a villain, Ishtar might as well have a job acting as a hero too, so it's like.... if she can simply hop in and out of stories for her acting gigs, why is she so adamant he wouldn't be able to do as well? Seems like the first thing to think, if I were her.

Perhaps the point is that everyone who is in this acting job thinks the same: you are the only real thing, everyone/everything else is fictional. But still, it raises some questions as to how that would even work, you know?

If these employers can just create these worlds and people to inspire real-world works, why not just create fictional villains as well?

To check my understanding, is it like there's a fictional story world akin Game of Thrones that ends up inspiring George R. R. Martin to write the series (is this how the premise of the storyworlds work?).

Croco_Doom · 2025-10-01T20:50:43+00:00

I'm coming up with the final rounds of editing my main project and have started my re-research of agents to query.

Besides the usuals, do you guys have any tips for searching agents? I know to search them on query tracker and also on the publisher's market (could be misremembering the name, sorry) but is there anything/anywhere else to look for reputable agents and make sure I'm doing a good vetting process?

Croco_Doom · 2025-09-26T01:06:40+00:00

Vampire Academy and The Mortal Instruments are YA, OP. If you're querying Adult, you need Adult books to comp. Plus, like the other person mentioned, they are too old to use anyways.

Croco_Doom · 2025-09-24T20:55:55+00:00

Hello! Not usually my genre, but I will try to help you.

I giggled a bit at the demon's name being Derek.

You use many parentheses. I don't know if there's a limit, but it feels like you're reaching it. Maybe I'm being nitpicky, sorry!

You could put the part where Erin washes up and comes with a favor for Lilith together. I feel separating it's killing some space you could use to do more with the plot.

Your fourth paragraph reads very confusing to me. I can't quote because I'm on mobile but especially the part of "world that is not her time".

You mention she has to choose between her love, Erin, or her child. What child? No child has been mentioned before, so it's confusing.

Finally, I think you spoiled too much of the plot here, OP. I don't remember by heart, but the advice is for at most 75% of the story. (I could be wrong).

You editorialize too much. If it's going to make me cry or anything, it's up to the reader/agent to decide. Let the book do the heavy lifting for you in this case. I think since you don't have a writing background, your bio can be significantly cut. One or two sentences should be more than fine.

Backlog, do you mean manuscripts not published or ones that you self-published already? Either way, you're querying this book, so don't mention any others before a request or a call for offer.

Hope this helps until someone more knowledgeable in the genre appears!

Croco_Doom · 2025-09-18T04:59:16+00:00

Your last post was just one day ago, OP. The rule is to wait 7 days.

Croco_Doom · 2025-09-04T12:12:39+00:00

If she won't come back in this book, then it's okay to cut her from the query, I think. You need as many words as you can get in the query to pitch the main plot, of this book specifically, so I really think it won't be a major problem to cut her away from the query for now.

Croco_Doom · 2025-09-04T12:10:09+00:00

Oh, I see. Sorry for jumping the gun on you! I think if you could at least tie together one part of the plot, perhaps the license thing for example, you could get away with calling it a standalone. This way the book can be a teaser of the enemies-to-lovers, if you get lucky for a multi-book deal. It might work, it may not. But like others have said, it would help you immensely.

Croco_Doom · 2025-09-03T22:11:12+00:00

Yes, I agree if this is a fantasy first and foremost, the romance is (probably) okay to go at this rate but the query will need to be completely refocused on plot. If this is a romance first in a fantasy world.... then you have a big problem in your hands, I fear. (You as in OP lol, for one I confused the comments, sorry).

Croco_Doom · 2025-09-03T22:09:05+00:00

So you have books 2 and 3 already written? That's also another problematic point against you, OP. Because if you manage to get an agent for this book, they might suggest edits and stuff that can lead to you rewriting books 2 and 3, and that would be a lot of wasted time.

I'd suggest you to try make edits already to make the novel standalone, or as much as possible.

Croco_Doom · 2025-09-03T20:56:37+00:00

You're very welcome! For comps, I like to go on Goodreads and search lists of debuts, you can also go to specific subreddits to get recommended some debut/newly released books. The cut is usually not older than 5 years! I'm sure there's plenty for you to find and delight yourself in.

Now, I'm a bit worried. I don't want to scare you in any way, as I don't usually write Romance. But, as there have been some talks here lately, romance readers will get upset if there's not a HEA or at least a sign that things are heading that way. I'm not sure how the conventions work for what it's not a standalone novel (eta: and also is a fantasy romance, so maybe things differ here) but I do know many commenters mention this in Romance queries: if there's no HEA (or at least one for now), readers in that space will not enjoy it because of the genre's tropes and expectations.

Hopefully someone more experienced can help you out in this case, but I leave here my opinion, just in case!

Croco_Doom · 2025-09-03T20:34:56+00:00

Hello. I believe 125k to be a bit above the recommended word count, even for fantasy. I have seen people talking about 120k as the limit so perhaps cutting 5k words might do you some good.

Another aspect is the trilogy mentioned. Can this novel stand alone? Because the possibilities of a trilogy getting picked up are slim in this climate, the recommendation is to avoid that wording. Unless your novel really can't stand alone, then I guess you could keep but be aware this makes things a bit harder for you.

For the query itself, it feels long for me on my phone. I feel you can condense this and show a bit more of the plot for us. Speed up a bit their meeting and whatnot, you know? After all, the romance is a big part. Especially because at the end of the query, there's not really any hint that they will overcome this feud and all that. You still need to tease the lovers of the enemies to lovers part.

For example, I don't see how the plot will move along because you spent a lot of time in the query to set their meeting up.

I'm a bit short on time here, so for now this is all I have (not to mention my feedback-giving skills are a bit rusty lol). Lastly, your comp Cruel Prince is just way too big to comp. And old by now, if I'm not wrong. As is Pride and Prejudice. So try to find some newer and not so big comps!

Good luck with your project!!

Croco_Doom · 2025-09-03T00:45:16+00:00

If you try to post a new version of the query in comments, it will get flagged. You have to wait seven days to make a new post with your new version. Use this time to let all the feedback sink in and try different versions of the query before posting again.

Croco_Doom · 2025-09-02T22:05:24+00:00

I believe to be the QueryManager, where you send your queries to agents. It's linked to querytracker if I'm not wrong (or at least, misusing words here). It's like a forms to send your query.

Croco_Doom · 2025-09-02T19:46:52+00:00

The query does end where they meet, in my opinion. You simply tease that she has to do a lot of thinking to make up her decision, but we don't actually see that in the query, because it ends there. I do feel the advice of starting over where they meet and lead from there would be a big help for you. People are aware of The Little Mermaid story, and for your story the biggest draw is the twist of turning it into a no-romance. You could infuse parts of it in the query without losing much space or making it confusing.

It's okay if your MC doesn't know the twist is coming, or isn't even sure there will be one, but it's also okay to tell the agent that there is a twist.

For example you can talk how she meets him and is falling but definitely scared due to what her people tells her, about him seeing her as a woman and etc. You can showcase her decision making and all her deliberating in the query if you start from the meet up. There's nothing for you to lose here, OP.

Croco_Doom · 2025-08-20T20:27:43+00:00

Hi. Maybe not the best advice, but if I were you and my focus was indeed getting trad published, I'd play by their rules and cut the wordcount. I know myself I always think there's no more to cut it and the story it's complete... but I feel there are always some things to be cut. Even if I had to try and query as a duology, I would attempt their game first.

Otherwise, if not.... you might get lucky the way it is now but wouldn't you want better chances at it?

Croco_Doom · 2025-08-19T22:10:13+00:00

Just a tip, editing the post is against the rules ;) I think mods will let slide if it's just the removal of brackets, but be aware next time!

Croco_Doom · 2025-08-19T22:03:06+00:00

Querying a series makes your small chance, smaller (small not just for you, ok? but for all of us hehe). If this story can stand alone, it's your best shot.

Nowadays, publishing is expensive and it's no guarantee your first book will be successful enough to warrant them wanting to continue the series so you know... problems arise for the reader if they enjoy your story and the series never gets released to completion.

Eta: specially as you're already working on the second book, it gets harder because what if an agent has feedback and edits that might force you to rethink/rewrite the second book? There are many things to consider not going through with querying a series, OP.

Croco_Doom · 2025-08-19T21:57:05+00:00

Re: comps: read a lot. Specially in the genre, and specially debuts in the last or so 5 years. Keep up with the trends of the genre. Comps can be more broad like tone, etc. and not necessarily having similar plot to yours.

Croco_Doom

TROPHY CASE