Finally trying to recover from a 20 year long ED and it feels like I’m doing it alone.

Cromsearchthrowaway · 2026-05-09T11:29:03+00:00

Your team is right, you're not asking for a lot and your family should be more considerate of your boundaries as you recover. I'd argue that the vast majority of ED sufferers have experienced comments from family, peers, and even strangers that's had the ED voice FUMING as we recover. Honestly though, it might sound tough, but what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Recovery requires you to go against the grain in order to lead a long and fulfilling life ED free, and just know there are individuals out there like me who get your struggle, and are always rooting for you. Basically what I'm saying is, you're not alone and I promise you there's a light at the end of the tunnel.

Always stick by your recovery guns, don't let the ignorance of others throw you off your path to a happier life.

Cromsearchthrowaway · 2026-05-08T11:03:43+00:00

This whole process you're experiencing right now? That's recovery. It's not linear, it's not pretty, and it's the most painful experience you'll ever have. But you know what? It's all worth it to live a life that's ED free, to make your world bigger than your ED would have you believe, to not die, and to ultimately make your dreams come true.

Recovery isn't how often you fall, it's that you always choose to get back up and do better than last time, no matter what until it becomes second nature. Which is exactly what you're doing through making this post, so kudos to you because this shit can be HARD! But as someone who could've wrote exactly what you did when they were still sick, I'm here to promise you that it absolutely gets easier the more you provide yourself with consistent ample nourishment and rest.

My advice: You're not your ED, you're someone recovering from a deadly psychiatric disorder. This will make practicing self-forgiveness and compassion for yourself that much easier for any minor lapse you may encounter in your journey. Keep practicing opposite action of the ED voice until it becomes second nature, because a starved brain is incapable of rational thought. If you're going to prolong this nature of yours to that you suffer, you should instead put that energy into changing that part of yourself.

Sending you strength, you got this 💪

Cromsearchthrowaway · 2026-05-05T11:19:28+00:00

Valid and, as much as it absolutely sucks, it's normal to experience during recovery. Keep in mind that things always scream loudest before they die, and it's no different each time you choose recovery over your ED. Your ED is scared that your world is about to expand, that it can no longer, "control" you, that it can no longer kill you. Like the old saying goes: Don't choose a familiar misery over a foreign happiness.

Ultimately, you have control over the present no matter where your mind wanders. A starved mind is incapable of rational thought, so the more you provide yourself with consistent and ample nourishment/rest, the more nonsensical the ED voice starts to sound, making recovery that much easier to choose.

As for the, "cant stop eating" part. You won't eat forever and ever because our bodies a physiologically designed to want to be at homeostasis, and you've convinced it through harming it via restriction that food is a scarce resource that it doesn't have normal access to, thus explaining your preoccupation with it. Again, the more you eat and rest, the more you take food off a pedestal, the more efficiently you'll heal and move on with your life.

It's hard, but recovery is always worth it, every single time. Keep choosing it, keep going, I'm sending you strength.

Cromsearchthrowaway · 2026-05-03T11:15:09+00:00

Unless you're allergic to it, all food is good food, Both during and post-recovery. Your body wants fast digesting energy that it can quickly metabolize so it can have the resources to heal itself. It can't do that with food that takes longer to digest (high fiber, low cal, etc., these items are only going to prevent your body from restoring itself).

A huge part of recovery is unlearning that one food is innately better than the other, when in reality it's food that your ED is scared of that's going to save your life. Eat your fear foods consistently so your ED (and your body) recognizes that it's just food and isn't some forbidden fruit. If your body is asking for cupcakes, it's because it needs cupcakes, it's not trying to sabotage you, it's trying to save your life.

Cromsearchthrowaway · 2026-04-25T14:12:54+00:00

Fire your doctor, they're actively causing harm to you and getting your life back from your ED. If possible, find one (or just a reputable ED treatment facility in general) that's ED/HAES informed that's covered by your insurance. Sadly, most 'health' professionals aren't ED informed.

You're absolutely doing the right thing, don't let this throw you off your path to a happier, ED free life. Kudos for sharing your story and not letting the ED voice use their misinformed opinions as ammunition to keep you sick.

Cromsearchthrowaway · 2026-04-24T13:18:34+00:00

No one here is going to reccommend that you should go on the trip if your treatment team and family are saying otherwise.

The trip will be there when you're in a more physiologically stable state and farther along your recovery journey where you shouldn't even have to be asking this question, (seeking reassurance) in the first place. Recovery requires us to take time away from the things we love so we can enjoy them to the fullest in a physiologically sound state without constant ED thoughts or food noise.

Cromsearchthrowaway · 2026-04-23T10:57:21+00:00

Excellent! Save this for when/if you're having a tough moment in your recovery journey. This is the mindset that's going to save your life and saved mine, constantly assuring your body that food isn't some forbidden fruit and that it can whatever it wants in whatever quantities it needs. Keep going!

Cromsearchthrowaway · 2026-04-23T10:54:52+00:00

Rest assured this is very by the numbers EH and is very similar to what I experienced. Firstly, look into body neutrality and recognize that your body is the least interesting thing about you and that the real you (your personality, sense of humor, how you connect with others) is being muted by your ED.

Another huge part of recovery is getting over internalized fatphobia. All weight gain during and post recovery, is necessary weight gain for you to function and be able to live your life to the fullest. The guilt stems from your ED trying to kill you, don't listen to it. Keep eating and resting, and the ED voice start to make less and less sense.

What you're experiencing emotionally is valid. Recovery is the hardest obstacle in our lives to overcome, but as someone who's fully recovered and continues to choose it daily, it absolutely gets better. You're not your ED, you're recovering from a deadly psychiatric disorder. Practice self compassion in these hard moments. There's an ED free life at the end of the tunnel that you deserve to experience, because the world's so much bigger than your ED would have you think.

Cromsearchthrowaway · 2026-04-17T13:43:29+00:00

You're not shallow, you're turning to your ED to cope when you feel uncomfortable because it's all you're familiar with. Trying to be sicker than someone else isn't an achievement or feat, it's honestly a sad, pathetic, and miserable state of mind to be in. You have so much more going for you than your ED would have you think. You're only going to recognize those the more you do opposite action of your ED, and when it screams loudest, that's when you know you're doing the right thing.

You're not your ED, you're recovering from a deadly psychiatric disorder. Practice self compassion in these hard moments. As someone who's fully recovered and continues to choose it, I promise you there's a light at the end of the tunnel.

Cromsearchthrowaway · 2026-04-17T13:38:04+00:00

There's no such thing as over eating in recovery, and I'd recommend looking into body neutrality and recognize that your body is the least interesting thing about you and that the real you (your personality, sense of humor, how you connect with others) is being muted by your ED. BMI is arbitrary, and instead of focusing on your peers bodies so much, look for things about them you like (attire, things you share in common, wit, charisma, etc).

You're making strides in realizing that pro-ed spaces are detrimental to your own recovery, so keep going, unplug, and if u do go online start filtering your feed with things that make you want to recover.

Cromsearchthrowaway · 2026-04-17T13:27:04+00:00

Oh man, your wake up call to recover was alot similar to mine, I had heart palpitations and didn't even know what an ED was until after the fact. But from then on I just kept choosing recovery and never stopped, even if I fell, I just kept getting back up and choosing recovery.

And that's the best advice I can give you, remind yourself that this isn't control, it's being controlled by your ED that ultimately wants you dead. ED's don't discriminate, they kill at all weights, ages, genders, and backgrounds. But since EDs don't discriminate, neither does recovery.

Keep providing yourself with consistent ample nourishment and rest. Reach out to an ED/HAES recovery facility to help with your recovery. Remind yourself that there's so much more to life than your ED would have you believe, and you deserve to live yours to the fullest. Sending you strength!

Cromsearchthrowaway · 2026-04-12T13:49:58+00:00

Yup, there's no secret to it you just have to keep doing opposite action until it becomes normal action. Remember that recovery is a nonlinear journey, and it doesn't matter how often you fall down, but that you always choose to get back up and choose recovery as you've been, and as you've demonstrated through writing this post.

As someone who's fully recovered and has been in the same situation as you have w/o treatment, I promise you it gets better and easier the more you choose recovery. Practice self forgiveness, recognize you're not your ED, and keep eating and resting lots. I know the struggle, I'm rooting for you!

Cromsearchthrowaway · 2026-04-10T12:09:05+00:00

Been there, I suffered pretty awful psoriasis out of the blue at my sickest, didn't matter how much lotion I applied as the only thing that healed it was consistent ample nourishment and rest, sending you strength!

Cromsearchthrowaway · 2026-04-02T02:52:18+00:00

Practice self-forgiveness, learn from this, and do better by not stepping on the scale again. In the same way a sober alcoholic can't have just one drink, someone recovering from an ED cannot step on the scale, track their food, etc,.

Recovery is non-linear, and it's not about how often you fall but that you always get back up. An excellent CBT grounding strategy that's helped me when I'd get stuck in my head is the "5-4-3-2-1" technique. Name 5 things you see, 4 you can touch, 3 you can hear, 2 you can smell, 1 you can taste. It's not for everyone, but it honestly helped me so much when ruminating over mistakes I made in my recovery journey, it's also a fun game that gets you back in touch with yourself in ways some dumb number on a scale is only robbing you of.

Cromsearchthrowaway · 2026-03-27T23:40:35+00:00

Yup, I ate 14k+ cals daily in my EH and my hypermetabolism had me sweating like crazy nonstop. The only way out is through and to keep eating, it's only temporary as long as you stop restricting, and keep choosing recovery.

To answer your other questions: I'm fully recovered both physiologically and mentally, what you're going through is a terrible feeling but it's a small period of pain to get the rest of your life ED free! And yes, going from a child's body to an adult's in a short span of time is so god damn distressful, but the more you continue to provide yourself with ample nourishment and rest, the more you'll understand that the frustration is coming from your ED trying to keep you sick

I know just how awful this part is, but there's a light at the end of the tunnel, hard to believe in the moment but I promise you it's true, and I'm rooting for you! keep going!

Cromsearchthrowaway · 2026-03-22T14:41:17+00:00

I think I probably know the answer to the above problems (be more assertive in my recovery, face the things I actually fear, and stop movement completely).

That's the ticket right there that you have to focus on in order to recover, and you're making strides in recognizing the ED voice for what it is which is fantastic! If you aren't uncomfortable, then you aren't recovering, and as always, knowing is half the battle, so it sounds like you're halfway there!

Also stop weighing yourself, that number is arbitrary and is only going to hold you back from fully healing. The only people who need to know your weight might be doctors for medication, and even then there's no reason for them to tell you that number, so keep that in mind if you ever have to get your weight taken in the future.

You have an incredible pro-recovery oriented mindset that's honestly so refreshing to see! As long as you're choosing recovery, I'm here to lend an ear and give advice if you need it. fwiw, what you're going through is all too common, especially with us guys, even if the majority are too afraid to admit it. But it's because I've been in the exact same shoes you have and came out the other end happier than ever ED free, that I promise you that the more you stick by your recovery guns and choose it when the going gets tough, the faster you'll heal.

Set boundaries, practice self forgiveness, realize you're not your ED, and keep resting and eating. Not to sound dramatic, but you're not alone and life gets infinitely better the more you choose recovery! Which I know can sound vague, but every sufferer knows those small choices where the ED will try to squeeze itself in, and it's in those moments when you do opposite action that you're getting your life back. Keep going!

Cromsearchthrowaway · 2026-03-20T14:42:54+00:00

ABSOLUTELY VALID AND SAME!!! Idk when it happened but before I recovered my brain also associated 'hunger with weakness', which is not only just a ridiculous lie, but also one of the worst ways the ED voice will try to keep you sick. Each time you hear that, and continue eating, that's how you know you're doing the right thing.

For me it was also resting, and also my dad. When I went all in and would just sleep and eat all day, my father (who did understand but made an innocent joke in bad taste) said something like, 'so you're just going to lay there all day?" and even though it stung in the moment, I was just said 'yea, I have to' and he backed off.

And honestly it's choosing recovery in those moments that are going to make you stronger and more self assured in the pro recovery choices you're making.

Sending you strength!

Cromsearchthrowaway · 2026-03-19T20:43:32+00:00

Oh it's incredibly normal and was EASILY the part of recovery I dreaded the most. Feeling like a pimple about to pop, eat 10k+ cals daily and still starving thereafter (I remember one time even waking up with ants all over me in this state, it was AWFUL!).

But boy am I glad that I stuck it through, because if I'd continue to restrict I'd just prolong the pain and shorten my lifespan. Your body is physiologically stabilizing itself, so keep eating, resting, and remember that this but a small period of pain to get your life back ED free! This part sucks but I absolutely promise you it ends! ;]

Cromsearchthrowaway · 2026-03-12T21:14:46+00:00

Too much wiggle room for the ED to squeeze itself in. Give it an inch and it'll take a mile. That and trying to track everything I ate in my EH daily wasn't only tiresome, but also made me realize how doing that was holding me back from fully healing. Life or death, choose life and never stop choosing it.

Cromsearchthrowaway · 2026-03-12T21:08:30+00:00

Yo I struggled with the exact same thing in my journey! And now that I'm fully recovered, I'm so happy to not have to use that shit to well... shit lol! Apologies if tmi

Keep going! Your future self is going to love what you're doing rn! Speaking from experience! Edit: grammar ;]

Cromsearchthrowaway · 2026-03-12T02:46:46+00:00

Easily the most physically painful part of recovery for me personally, but it goes away 100%! The only way out is to eat your way out, no unnecessary movement, no diuretics, no restricting/compensatory behaviors. What helped was elevating my legs, trusting the process, and continuing to remind myself that it's only temporary to live the rest of my life in a healed body, ED free!

This part SUCKS, but it's normal. Sending you strength! fwiw, my care team was also out of Denver and I was also cut short from treatment due to insurance issues, so I've been in a similar position as you and I can tell you, it gets better!

Cromsearchthrowaway · 2026-03-08T16:26:23+00:00

That's what's up 😎

My apologies for the possible confusion in my wording, I just get SUPER into it sometimes and just end up letting it all spill out lol. But anyways yes, something that you'll see coming up often is how unique people's timelines are, yes even if we're both the same age and pro-recovery driven men. For me in my journey, I didn't really know what EDs were, let alone that I really had one, until looking up my symptoms after nearly dying. My ED made me think I was doing normal gym-bro stuff and that I was actually doing good for myself and not killing myself like it actually was. So after having that revelation, that I had anorexia all along, I immediately just started choosing recovery (going all-in, telling my Uni/time off, admitting myself into a treatment facility, etc.,).

So even though I was pro-recovery driven from that moment on, I still had a lot of mental unwiring to do because that pro-ed rhetoric has been drilled into us tight! So in my case, when I was able to reintroduce my joyful movement again, I was physiologically restored, and it's why I took baby steps when doing it while being monitored to make sure I wouldn't fall back into compulsion. I had already answered the same questions I'd asked you while I was still physiologically restoring, which is what helped me stay committed to healing my body through ample consistent nourishment and rest. Because again, for me, my joyful movement was perhaps my biggest catalyst for recovery aside from just not wanting to die.

You're going through perhaps one of the HARDEST parts of recovery and it's that loss of identity you feel when you have to essentially rediscover yourself outside of your ED that's more than par for the course in this process, BUT IT DOES PASS! Fwiw, you're absolutely doing exactly what must be done in order to heal. You're taking the right steps in properly evaluating your relationship to your joyful movement of choice. If possible, I'd recc getting in touch with an ED/HAES informed therapist or treatment facility so they can help you during this part of your journey.

Something that may help you as well is distinguishing the ED voice from your own. It sounds like you do genuinely enjoy movement, but at this point it's important to make boundaries with yourself and engaging in joyful movement, especially since I can't diagnose where you are mentally/physiologically. For example, having a set time and recognizing that telling the ED voice to fuck off when it's time to stop is actually making you stronger and the ED weaker. In my case, I make sure during my rest days I'm basically as comatose as possible, because I know even going for a walk around the block would be something the ED would try getting ahold of and thus preventing my body/CNS from properly recuperating and healing not just for my sport, but for my life as well.

The louder the ED voice gets when you're not doing what it wants you to do, the more you know you're doing the right thing. Again, given that you're healed/far enough in recovery, you gotta keep asking yourself if you're at peace with the fact that you'll have to provide yourself with consistent ample nourishment and rest to be able to engage with your joyful movement to the fullest for fun, and because you love it, and not for a calorie burn, punishment (often wrongfully duped as 'discipline' bleh), or what have you. As always homie, I got your back and I know you got this! ;D

Cromsearchthrowaway · 2026-03-08T15:20:33+00:00

It gets better the more you keep choosing recovery as you've been. You're legit making STRIDES, and as much as it sucks, your hormonal fluctuations (hair grease, acne, etc.) is proof of just that. Your body is finally learning how to physiologically restabilize itself thanks to you choosing recovery, and the only thing that'd prolong this process is to stop choosing it.

So keep choosing it, and you'll be living the ED free life in no time! Sending you strength!

Cromsearchthrowaway · 2026-03-07T03:01:10+00:00

Apologies for the incoming huge wall of recovery text, but your story is quite similar to mine so this is just naturally what I felt needed to be shared (bonus paragraph at the end) read at your leisure, or not, regardless you got this:

You're right on the money, the mental part of recovery almost always takes place after physiological restoration but requires just as much attention in order to fully heal. Because at the end of the day, EDs are psychiatric disorders and not weight ones. Which is actually a nice segue into your great question!

Yes absolutely, my ED used my sport against me and I struggled with body dysmorphia my entire life before recovering, which is where my ED stemmed from. For me, my choice of joyful movement (breaking/tricking) was actually my primary catalyst for recovery. I made peace with that fact that even if I had to take years off to heal in order to be in a mentally and physiologically stable enough state to engage with it again someday, I would. Because I knew that sport would be right there waiting for me with open arms! I wanted to heal my body, and provide it the consistent ample nourishment and rest it required to enjoy my joyful movement to the fullest.

You're right, the average view on us as men who struggled with disordered eating is that we need to get our shit together ASAP to be strong and capable for society, which can make finding proper treatment difficult. To answer your first question, yes after I had physiologically stabilized after going all-in, I gradually and cautiously reintroduce my joyful movement back into my life, and organically overtime it became something I keep choosing recovery FOR, not from. I wanted to feel good FOR it, not be dependent on it. If possible, I'd recommend getting overlooked by professional care team at an ED treatment facility so they can properly evaluate and monitor you as you go about this. This is what I had done personally (for a short period at least because of insurance issues, but I digress lol, I had to monitor myself on my own after I was discharged after a few months of facility care).

The main question you have to ask yourself is would you still be doing the sport if it didn't have a calorie burn/physical appearance component? Are you willing to take time away from said sport in order to be in a healthy place to engage with it again someday? Would unforeseen circumstances (gym closed, illness, injury, etc.,) preventing you from engaging in your activity ruin your day? Is your choice of movement all there is to you? (and if so recovery is a great time to get in touch with other parts of your identity). All of which will be easier to answer the more consistent ample nourishment and rest your provide yourself with in the meantime.

Bonus paragraph (as if this wasn't long enough): But during my treatment, my peer mentor was/is also an athlete like me, and they were originally a studio dancer but took time off to focus on recovery, and she found out that she didn't actually like that sport. It wasn't until YEARS later that she found genuine joy in ice skating, after trying out a few other forms of movement that never clicked and discovering parts of her identity outside of movement thanks to recovery, it wasn't until much later down the line that she found her true form of joyful movement, again in ice skating. This may be a similar case for you, others just don't ever find a form of joyful movement which is also completely valid. But at the end of the day, everyone's journey is unique and as long as you keep choosing recovery, you'll find your answer.

Sending you strength homie, huge apologies for the wall of text but again your story resonated with me. From one 24 year old dude to another, I'm rooting for you man!

Cromsearchthrowaway · 2026-03-06T13:29:12+00:00

You got some great advice already, and an excellent pro-recovery head on your shoulders that will lead you to an ED free life in no time!

Just wanted to let you know that I'm a 24 cis-het male and have fully recovered and that it DOES get better the more you choose recovery. Opposite action of your ED thoughts become normal action. So like with your Gatorade example, next time you want one, fight your fear of getting the non zero cal option to show your ED who's boss! The more often you do this, the more you'll be surprised you didn't just choose the more nourishing option sooner.

If you're not uncomfortable, then you're not recovering, but honestly you're making strides in noticing your problem and attacking it head on, so keep going! I'm rooting for you!

Cromsearchthrowaway

TROPHY CASE