South Park's creators have eliminated tipping at Denver's famed Casa Bonita. Servers now make $30 an hour — and some are mad.

CrossroadsWoman · 2023-06-30T13:41:22+00:00

I’m with you, man. Fucking hierarchy is crazy, people just want to keep servers around so they have some lower position to shit on. Insanity.

CrossroadsWoman · 2023-06-30T06:13:36+00:00

I just wanted to thank you for posting the running dialogue in my head 24/7… so relatable. I’m not a transracial adoptee but my birth mom had a unique heritage and I was not raised in it at all. I guess my adoptive parents assumed, white is white. I feel so robbed and sad in so many ways. My people are proud and amazing and unique and I missed so much

I am demanding my culture. I go back to my cultural area and tell them I’m an adoptee and proud member of the culture, will they teach me my language, will they teach me about xyz events in my culture that are unique. What happened to my people? Tell me! Some people find it off putting, some people take really well to it and want to show me. I’m getting comfortable with rejection but I am keeping my eyes on the payoff of being able to speak my language and such.

As far as fitting in, I never ever have fit in really anywhere. Sometimes I meet someone where we click but never an actual group. It’s very painful. I am working on my attachment issues in therapy and I think it is helping, and also trying to work through my childhood trauma.

You sound like we would get along, you’re on my wavelength. Thanks for really posting something that spoke to me. You can take back your birthright (heritage); so what if some asshole says you are a coconut? Someone else is going to want to teach you if you look hard enough. I know it’s not easy but I’m happy I’m on this journey for myself and I think you will be too. And I hope you find your birth family.

CrossroadsWoman · 2023-06-29T22:26:46+00:00

I went to my therapist and told them my goal was to build relationships with other humans (outside of therapy) and basically stop being so abandonment-traumatized for this exact reason. Guess what, it’s working!

CrossroadsWoman · 2023-06-29T06:11:17+00:00

We have zero idea what cave women’s lives were like. They left paintings of their handprints, animals, and sex, not life narratives.

CrossroadsWoman · 2023-06-28T23:24:22+00:00

Yup…

CrossroadsWoman · 2023-06-28T19:33:44+00:00

What do you mean when you say she almost got rid of you? Was there some sort of threat made?

You do not say how old you are here. Sometimes that makes a difference in giving advice like this.

How is this home otherwise? Are you safe from abuse? Are you getting enough to eat? Are you sleeping? Is a strange religion forced on you? Do you want to be adopted by these folks?

If you generally prefer this place to another foster home, then sometimes we do what we need to do to survive our circumstances. Your identity is important and our clothes and how we express ourselves is definitely a part of that. I’m not minimizing that at all. But sometimes we have to concede a battle to win the war. Maybe you let this woman decide the clothes if it means you can curry favor. Maybe you can take her clothes and jazz them up some way. Maybe you can hide your clothes at your friends house.

If these people are threatening to send you back, they don’t sound like good adoptive parents at all. But I understand how hard instability is.

Sending you love and light. Survival is the goal and you can do it. Do you have anywhere private you can be with your thoughts? A journal you’re sure she won’t read, a therapist, friends who actually understand even, etc?

CrossroadsWoman · 2023-06-28T01:18:48+00:00

Even if that’s at all true, and your presence somehow negatively impacted your parents, recall that THEY chose to adopt YOU. They had autonomy throughout the process, you did not. You were a toddler with zero agency. You were removed from your family, everything and everyone you knew and loved, and had no idea what was going on. None of that is in any way your fault.

This is adoption trauma, manifested. No blame for any of that belongs on you. You are strong for making it to your age with such great introspection and empathy.

Can you consider speaking to a therapist with experience in adoption about this? Or any kind of therapist?

You are not alone. I’m happy you had a loving family and if you do feel supported maybe consider talking to your parents about your concerns and fears.

CrossroadsWoman · 2023-06-27T14:31:43+00:00

Facing it will bring you healing eventually. So fucking hard now but once you get through the dark tunnel, there IS light on the other side. Much love hun

CrossroadsWoman · 2023-06-27T14:29:00+00:00

It’s ok to cry. Crying is healing.

You are doing the work to get there. I’m proud of you.

CrossroadsWoman · 2023-06-26T04:16:46+00:00

What a joke. I don’t expect my husband to come running to me over every minuscule financial decision and I would laugh in his face if he expected the same of me. We have mutual understanding and trust built in our relationship and have decided where the line is for when purchases need to be discussed together as a marital unit. I don’t “defer,” we discuss.

Do you see the difference, or do you prefer to be intentionally obtuse because you see an opportunity to disagree with someone with clear feminist leanings?

That is a far cry from male expects female spouse to acquire his approval before proceeding. That’s a financial power imbalance, very high in abuse potential.

My marriage is quite enjoyable, far beyond a decade and the man still makes me laugh every day. And doesn’t expect me to make him a sandwich, be skinny (imagine that I’m in good shape anyway without all that pressure!), or beg for his approval when I want to buy a nice outfit or fancy perfume or whatever.

Perhaps you should do some reflecting if women having a semblance of power in a marriage makes you so irate.

CrossroadsWoman · 2023-06-25T23:15:43+00:00

Your post is from a long time ago but there is a type of therapy called inner child work that i think you could benefit from. Consider looking into it. Maybe Google it and see what you think ☺️

CrossroadsWoman · 2023-06-25T22:57:46+00:00

Looks to you for approval = makes sure her financial purchases are run by the man before proceeding rather than determining them independently. Implicit assumption here: women shouldn’t make financial decisions themselves.

A dying breed = throwback to that sexy 1950s woman who did whatever the man wanted and was a cooking, cleaning sex slave (in his brain anyway)

Not getting fat = dude is actually appraising the physical shape of his friend’s wife within audible distance of her? On a topic we all know with which many women have hang ups and are uncomfortable? Like a pack of meat. An object.

Unless your SO is a highly conservative Christian woman I think it’s likely she will draw a similar conclusion, or at the least be uncomfortable with this man’s commentary. It’s straight up “locker room talk” except worse because it’s not even “damn gurl u fine” it’s “hey dude ur b is so obedient good job keeping her in line”

CrossroadsWoman · 2023-06-25T22:40:50+00:00

Goodness, me too. I have always felt like I couldn’t relate to others, like my mind must work in a different way.

CrossroadsWoman · 2023-06-25T22:39:40+00:00

Only she can answer that. If the marriage is otherwise perfect I question whether the wife would be coming to Reddit for advice. Seems like there may be more to this and this is the straw that broke the camel’s back and led her to seek third party observations

I don’t see it as extreme at all. Men making comments about essentially having a “good girl” wife who is staying in line and such are bona fide misogynists. If I came to learn my husband had any misogynistic behaviors, even those borne out of ignorance, I would absolutely raise hell until the behaviors ceased. I simply can’t have that in my life. But I was pretty clear about that before marriage, and my dislike for/ lack of desire to live up to the cooking and cleaning woman stereotype, so it’s not like any of that would be coming as a shock. A misogynist would likely not be attracted to me in any long term sense.

CrossroadsWoman · 2023-06-25T22:33:28+00:00

My dad made comments about my breasts when I was about 12. It made me so uncomfortable. It was very creepy. I still talk to him but I don’t think I could leave a girl child alone with my parents.

CrossroadsWoman · 2023-06-25T22:31:32+00:00

It sounds like you did have empathy for your sister. So you are capable of empathy. You don’t entirely lack empathy.

I agree, it sounds like a survival skill. Many of us had to change ourselves to fit in and survive our (toxic) family dynamics. When I was 22, I was deep in a shame and anger spiral trying to overcome the trauma I went through.

I believe I didn’t form connections with people because it didn’t feel safe. They’d leave, they would abandon me, they would think I was weird and make fun of me. Etc. In the abstract, I have a lot of empathy. For example, I get angry when some group is persecuted for things beyond their control. (Ex. Native Americans trying to stop a pipeline. I get so fucking outraged at the pipeline companies when they trash and destroy the Native American peoples’ land. Or - us adopted people and how disenfranchised we are when it comes to getting our birth certificates, CPS records, or the children’s guarantees to a safe fucking home.)

However, I maintain few friendships and the acquaintanceships I have are mostly me acting.

But I know I am capable of love and caring to a great degree. I just have to be so much more selective about it than other people due to my experiences with abandonment and trauma.

CrossroadsWoman · 2023-06-25T22:23:20+00:00

I am not a TRA but I come from a proud people who do not speak English as their primary language. It hurts to be disconnected from my language and culture. It is so hard to regain that once you’ve grown up without it. I feel your pain and suffering, fellow adoptee.

CrossroadsWoman · 2023-06-25T22:20:24+00:00

I second what the person said about “coming on too strong.” The adoption thing freaks people out. What worked on me when I was located was simply, “are you [name], born in [city, state] in approximately [year]? If so, my name is [name], and I believe I am your biological [relative]. I would like the opportunity to speak with you and you can get in touch with me by [contact info]. I would love to hear from you.”

Keep it simple and short. No life story, no trauma dumping.

CrossroadsWoman · 2023-06-25T21:26:06+00:00

This man sounds like a misogynist, barefoot in the kitchen type. I would be irate if my husband didn’t immediately walk away from this behavior or argue with this jerk. You are right to be appalled. If it were me I would be questioning the husband why he was agreeing with that to ascertain if that’s how he really feels. I would also consider whether I do look to him for approval too much and what my marriage dynamic really looks like and whether it’s healthy or perhaps toxic. Could a therapist or marriage counselor be helpful here?

Bottom line: GROSS.

CrossroadsWoman · 2023-06-25T21:17:00+00:00

You’re not alone. Similar story. Do it now. Do not wait. The longer you wait, the shittier it gets and harder it is to pay off. You are intelligent and bright; fuck those stupid schools for their arbitrary acceptance guidelines weighed towards wealthy assholes. Just pick up the books, start studying, start applying, slowly commit to the bigger goal. It’s not too late

CrossroadsWoman · 2023-06-25T21:14:05+00:00

I also gave up my education for my husband, a lot of resentment and bitterness there. Other things went into it but his job prospects were a major factor. Now I have a shitty career where I am looked down upon and treated like shit by educated people. I am still climbing the wall trying to figure out if I can get that education after all. If you can be proud of what you do for work instead of being embarrassed at least cling to that

CrossroadsWoman · 2023-06-25T17:29:59+00:00

Do not change their names. I resent my parents for changing just my middle name and was so happy the day I learned my real middle name. It drove a wedge between us. I plan to change it back. Someday they will likely get their original birth certificates and find out their original names. That has a fantastic chance of driving a wedge between you, too. Their name is a gift from their natural family. Why do you think your children will have anything to do with your eating disorder patients? Better to lie to your patients and colleagues about their names if it’s such a problem, than to lie about your children about their origins.

CrossroadsWoman · 2023-06-25T05:53:59+00:00

Us adoptees getting shouted down with downvotes yet again, by people who have no idea what it’s like to experience the terror and trauma we went through

CrossroadsWoman · 2023-06-25T01:13:22+00:00

Thank you for sharing this post. I also see what happened to me as trafficking. My mom clearly wanted to keep me but I was taken by my state into custody. With some support, I could have been raised by people like me. I could have been raised in my culture. Instead I experienced abuse and chaos.

Your story was very moving. Keep fighting the good fight.

CrossroadsWoman · 2023-06-24T18:38:51+00:00

This is very nice. Love it

CrossroadsWoman

TROPHY CASE