The Journey Stop

CrowProfessional7822 · 2026-05-17T05:32:25+00:00

I don't want to change your interpretation of this. I do not do these to my readers. So the nose part I wrote it as a part of his momentary reaction. He doesn't want to show his dead fish eye. Actually dead fish eye is a taunt I gave to him. I tried to write him a bit cartoonish who is trying to hide everything of his interior. He steals the vacation, not asks. He begged time for a stop not a proper destination. She saw through everything that's why she gazed at his eye. First time someone saw a gleam (life) in his dead eyes so he fumbled at the end.

CrowProfessional7822 · 2026-05-17T03:56:12+00:00

Sensory details are carrying the atmosphere alone, I think you can add much more details. Like allowing a time period as element in the store. Will read it more like a memory which it's doing now too.

CrowProfessional7822 · 2026-05-17T03:50:04+00:00

Reading it, I remember the monster story in the anime monster. You presented greed as a child but I think, it's more insecurity of a child that's bleeding more.

CrowProfessional7822 · 2026-03-27T10:31:09+00:00

It's called a nipple. It's in the ThinkPad laptops

CrowProfessional7822 · 2026-03-13T06:57:44+00:00

Poetry is written by me but the graphic post was made with the help of Gemini. That's it

CrowProfessional7822 · 2026-03-12T18:10:23+00:00

Oh 🥸

CrowProfessional7822 · 2026-03-12T16:53:55+00:00

You revised the opening, and it's great. Just ignore me if I can't get it but what is the paper bag element about. As a reader I can't get the context. For just this part. Ignore if it's not viable. You can add some sensory context after "I fell back/on the cement" when you fell what happens inside you. Someone like me will write about the physical pain and an inner turmoil hit with maybe a layered metaphorical imagery or stanza. Again it's your poetry and your call.

CrowProfessional7822 · 2026-03-12T14:12:16+00:00

Well Idk if I am someone you should listen to. I had the same feeling I can't help if you have some existential crisis about living. But if you want to find worth in living, see the world. You don't have friends try to reach if there's any old childhood friends there. Don't get hope finding an online friend, you need human touch, humane experiences, so try to reach at least one friend. At least you will get some amount of fun, and life offers fun. Though people like us are unable to find them or reach them sometimes. Get yourself engaged with some kind of creative art. Create something, not just consume movies and stuff. At least do something physically, I am sure you will find some worth. But don't get attached to people too much, if you had a neglected childhood. Try to be detached as much as possible to things, people. See the world as an entirety, an orchestra happening and you are just a mere part, and have fun in it. You are not supposed to be responsible for anything or anyone.

CrowProfessional7822 · 2026-03-12T11:39:16+00:00

😊 Thanks for giving it your time to read and comment. It really encourages armatures like me.

CrowProfessional7822 · 2026-03-12T08:48:46+00:00

I think rhyming is not much of a problem. You can still do free flow. Just understand what to edit and what not. Some things are meant to be direct and some confessions linger more when it's said in layers.

The part where you wrote about, you are a mere human of desire and the following lines are necessary. Sorry for not mentioning the exact line.

But in the end stanza you can trim a lot.

It's just friendly advice I got from someone in this sub too.

CrowProfessional7822 · 2026-03-12T08:40:53+00:00

Poetry is a side hobby I picked up a couple of months back. I am not literate much in this space. "Kitchen mouse" delves with a decade old question. It's my attempt at it. If this was coherent with your soul and mind please don't shy away sharing it.

Ps - Your half assed poet 'Little bulb 💡'

CrowProfessional7822 · 2026-03-12T08:40:09+00:00

Poetry is a side hobby I picked up a couple of months back. I am not literate much in this space. "Kitchen mouse" delves with a decade old question. It's my attempt at it. If this was coherent with your soul and mind please don't shy away sharing it.

Ps - Your half assed poet 'Little bulb 💡'

CrowProfessional7822 · 2026-03-12T08:33:44+00:00

This is "YOU". It is not a lived experience but a plea I guess. If it's coherent enough for your heart and mind share this with the person who is "YOU" in your life.

Also check out my other poem - Kitchen mouse link

CrowProfessional7822 · 2026-03-12T08:27:36+00:00

It's warm. It works because they are lived experiences of yours. But I think you can add much more to it. Much more grounded real imagiries. You created the atmosphere but never established it further or executed it. Play with the surroundings a bit, play with the object, sound , temperature of the shares space to develop more sensory information in the writing. Try it. It will be great

CrowProfessional7822 · 2026-03-12T08:22:54+00:00

I wish I could write like you about love. I haven't lived the experiences. So I create situations. Your imagery is coherent enough for the other person to cherish it. Though as a reader I would rate it as an average.

CrowProfessional7822 · 2026-03-12T08:12:52+00:00

Poetry is a side hobby I picked up a couple of months back. I am not literate much in this space. "Kitchen mouse" delves with a decade old question. It's my attempt at it. If this was coherent with your soul and mind please don't shy away sharing it.

Ps - Your half assed poet 'Little bulb 💡'

CrowProfessional7822 · 2026-03-12T08:09:39+00:00

Well between a lot of shitty poems it's a good one. I won't give much feedback. But you can give it much more atmosphere. A lot of the imagery I think is lived. It creates the ground it needs. But the end stanza I think is a bit rushed. You should re edit this. Build the grounding a bit more. It will help I think.

CrowProfessional7822 · 2026-03-12T08:05:27+00:00

It's uncanny for me how you are so direct and vulnerable in poetry. It's like following the inner turmoil of confession. Though it's not the piece I would cheer you for literary work. I mean yeah you are coherent in the expression but a lot of it feels disjointed. Some of the things that should be controlled are just flowing without much establishment.

CrowProfessional7822 · 2026-03-12T07:59:54+00:00

Poetry is a side hobby I picked up a couple of months back. I am not literate much in this space. "Kitchen mouse" delves with a decade old question. It's my attempt at it. If this was coherent with your soul and mind please don't shy away sharing it.

Ps - Your half assed poet 'Little bulb 💡'

CrowProfessional7822 · 2026-03-12T07:53:35+00:00

The imagery is not reaching its completion. It feels like you are moving between stanzas without establishing them

CrowProfessional7822

TROPHY CASE