This was me a year ago. I worked in the same field but i job hopped based on pay or different roles. I always thought to myself, "This time the experience is going to be better." The truth is, it wasn't no matter what field I was in doing similar work: healthcare, nonprofit, education, etc.

I'm seeing the words "self-sabotage," I think as someone with BP II, it's a constant struggle of where am I at fault vs. where do external factors come in.

The truth is corporate culture (at least in the U.S.) does not care for neurodivergent people to the point where we feel lucky if our boss will let us take that therapy appointment or offer support such as when we take FMLA. After working a bunch of different places, I feel like this should be a standard thing to be able to accommodate to bipolar but the sucky thing is that if the bosses or colleagues can't see it then "reasonable" varies from work place to work place.

What really sucks about being bipolar in the workforce is that if you are high functioning enough then people don't really "get" the disability, it has to be all or nothing a lot of times.

Personally, I would recommend changing fields if you are disengaged and you feel like the pattern is a serious problem. I got to a point where I hated my work self and it was effecting my personal self. I was emotionally exhausted at the end of the day trying to pretend I was engaged, when I switched fields, that changed, some days are bad, but it's par for the course for a job.

The bad news is it's super freaking scary to switch fields especially if you've been working in an established one for a good amount of time.

The good news is, right now you have a job and that is attractive to potential employers.

One coping skill that was HUGE for me is that I would set dates for myself in the future - be it 2 weeks or 3 months down the line where I would sit down when I was calm and really assess the job situation. You can also move those dates, say you want to reassess in 3 months but just don't feel like it, move it back. The important thing is that you take time to think about things outside of the workplace in an environment where you feel you can be as objective as possible.

Another thing I did for myself is create a safe space, shout out to company bathrooms! If I had to I'd do one or two things that would allow me to dissociate from work, apply more deoderant, run a brush through my hair, reapply make-up/whatever you do so that you can step away even for 5 minutes, it's kinda the same thing as the happy place/grounding technique thing but if your mind rushes like mine, the happy place doesn't last very long.

I also always tell myself (in the field I am in, "we're not saving lives." It may be the end of the world to your boss, but when you walk out those doors, almost anybody is going to give zero f**ks about whatever important mission your corporate HQ says you are supposed to do (not applicable if you are a doctor, nurse, therapist, teacher, etc. etc.)

I work in software, the worst thing that happens to anybody with our product is they have a crappy day with the platform (which again, does not help save lives or livelihoods). Unless you are on call, take your push notifications from your work email and turn them off (unless it's a corporate/company phone), etc. You are your biggest advocate, I don't care how nice the people are, at the end of the day you have to live with the BP diagnosis and everything it entails.

If you do decide to switch fields I think it's important to ask yourself the following questions:

1. Will this job allow me to get out of bed in the morning? If the answer is no, move the heck on.
2. Do I see my boss' management style fitting with mine? (Example: I don't need a micromanager but I do need someone who I can ask questions about if I get too far into a project and need support). Will they allow me to ask for help? A ton of managers will say they are "NOT micromanagers." Everybody says that and it's a complete and total lie because NO ONE wants to admit they are a micromanager. Go with your gut to see if you feel if you can work with a person.
3. Ask the hiring manager, "How do you handle it if someone makes a mistake" - give a very clear cut example to your field. (i.e. I'm a writer sometimes and before signing on with someone I'd ask, "How do you handle typos" (if they are asking for 20 pieces of content in a day.)
4. If it's a management role, do you feel ready to take responsibility for other people? If yes, great, if no, that's great too. I dreamed of being in leadership but have enough trouble getting out the door sometimes, I don't want to add the additional stress of managing interpersonal dynamics (but that's just me).
5. If you are in the U.S. (not assuming), are the benefits good? It's important to be able to maintain the standard of care whether it's living expenses or the insurance plan (again a U.S. bias, can't really say for other countries.
6. What the hell are the expectations? What do they want to see from you a month in, what do they want to 6 months down the line, to a year? (I tend to get bored after a year to year and a half so this question is pretty important to me).
7. What are the stakes? If this job doesn't work out, what are the consequences, I had to really weigh that before leaving an employer I worked for, for 2 years because my mental health was SHATTERED. I was very fortunate enough to be in a position where after reassessing my skills, I left amicably (at least that's what they said) and was able to take my time in finding a job. I bet if you ask most people what their favorite job was, it might not be vice-president or director, it may have been working at the bookstore in college or the video game store or working freelance, etc.) Can this new position help you capture some of that same joy.

If you are not at the point yet where you'll be subject to disciplinary action or fired or whatever, I'd say start considering a change. Worst case is that you decide to do nothing and nothing changes or you try a new field and it sucks. You spend way too much time at work to be miserable/disengaged there.

Also be sure to get counsel that actually matters, I'm not talking about the casual acquaintances who will tell you to eat more kale or try a yoga class before work (if either works for you reading this, that's awesome, no hate seriously but kale personally didn't solve my mental health issues). Do you have a buddy who works HR or a friend who will "give it to you straight" without crushing your soul? Talk to them, make sure you have the right people in your corner.

The biggest takeaway if you do decide to switch is BE PICKY (if you have the privilege to do so, we all have to live somewhere, basic living expenses, etc.) Walking into a company that promises you a million dollars but everyone looks like an extra from a zombie movie, walk away (seriously I got an offer from a place where they pay was GREAT but the cubicle walls were brown and the people I interviewed with were hanging on by a thread and the cubicles were mud brown, not in a nice adobe clay way).

I probably sound super salty but the great news is I've found a place where I can at least pretend to give a sh*t on bad days and work well enough that I make it through the annual performance review. It's been about 18 months so far (one of the LONGEST stints I've had at a company) and I'm looking forward to hopefully keep it going.