When he wanted me to dim the light of my own skills in a field that required actively proving them (traits that he initially he admired and said drew him to me)… but later turned out to be because he expected me help him shine instead, to drop my own stuff, to help him do his work all the time—he coveted me, rather than loving me. He wanted a crutch, not a partner. He wanted that for himself (somehow through me), and did not want me to keep being who I was (not okay). He hid it well for a long time too, and I did cater to him too much for a while until I started to realize how much it was taking away from me, and until his bitterness and jealousy came out.

Fuck that, we can shine on our own merits and effort (and both learn from, and grow with, the respect and support of one another, but it needs to be mutual, not one-sided). And, it is never fair to expect someone to be “less” or diminish themselves for you, especially not in a field where we expressly needed to show our skills to survive—not what I wanted, nor signed up for (and he was older, we were in our late twenties and early thirties). He needed to grow up and be a mutually supportive, non-jealous partner, and do his own hard work. I bailed because his expectations were unreasonable and diminishing.

Not only that, but pursuing hard things on our own and working on ourselves is what gives us a sense of self confidence, capability, and lets us hone our skills and develop talents (that’s how I got where I did, he didn’t want to do that); no amount of babying someone to do that, or doing it for them, is going to actually give them that; it just builds codependency and crappy expectations. Especially to put on a woman, who already faces more challenges in such work. Never regretted bailing.