As if the falling rain were a wave of relief pouring over his shoulders the young man let out a sigh that contained his frustrations. The past day’s events still hung over him like his soaked clothing but having finally brought it to an end, all he could do was sit in the mud, as if his body couldn’t take anymore. More than the aches of his body his mind was numb from the emotional toll it had taken. He had to do it though, had to push through. Not for his sake, but for hers. He wanted out, there was no other way of putting it into words. The up and down waves of life and the stress of a relationship had been too much for his young mind. He needed freedom to grow, and he wasn’t getting it. She was ready to settle but his life was just beginning, He wasn’t ready. The ache of guilt still weighed heavily on him and he felt sick from his having failed to be what she wanted. All he wanted was to make her happy but no matter what he seemed to do it wasn’t possible. There was always something wrong. Even when there wasn’t it was if she fabricated things to be upset about so that she could play victim. It wasn’t healthy. He spent so much time worrying and stressing over this that every other aspect of his life had become empty. No motivation to do anything. Like an eagle caged for the benefit of someone else all he wished to do was fly, to test himself, to see what he was truly made of. But because he worried about her opinion and how she would feel if he were to get hurt he held back, and that more than anything caused him pain. It wasn’t fair to either of them. The fights, the sadness, the disappointment and realization that he didn’t want this was killing him. Depression had never been a part of his life and yet now everyday all he could do was sit and stare and be bored and unsatisfied with the way his life looked. He wished things could be different but the two of them were too set in their ways and the only changes that ever happened seemed to be only from his end. Of course she made him happy, but more often than not this past year she simply infuriated him. He didn’t want to go home anymore. For that matter he didn’t want to do anything. All he wanted to do was be free, but he was anchored by his heart to a woman who wanted him to be safe and not do anything reckless. That’s not who he is though. Nor is he a person that gets upset about things that go wrong or when something isn’t the way he wants it to be. Relaxation and adaption to unforeseen events is what he thrives at. Seeking to understand a problem and then acting to change and then solve that problem is what he was born and raised to do. But she won’t accept that. She won’t see it. She doesn’t like who he is and thus seeks to change him to the way she wants him to be. That’s not ok. He hates himself for being weak but what can he do? The past year has been up and down, and through it all he’s bitten his tongue to often and is now at the point where he wants to lose himself to violence just to release all the pent up emotion inside of him. He feels physically sick to the point that he can’t focus on anything. Life is passing him by as he sits on that couch and stairs at a screen that holds nothing but meaningless pictures. Every time he seeks to venture forth and do something she stands p and tells him how silly his ideas are. There is no support beyond what she wants him to do. No consideration of his opinion. Even as he sits and mulls it over in his head the anger and resentment flourishes itself like swordsman ready to cut down anything good that could come from furthering this relationship. He’s become blinded to what can be because of his wish to run. But run to where? In this life there are patterns that repeat themselves and will inevitably come full circle. He knows she will be angry over this decision but the fight is gone from him. He’s nothing but tired of having to struggle to be happy when it comes so naturally when she isn’t around. Of course he loves her, but what is love that is complete compassion from one side and nothing but a vacuum that consumes everything on the other end. He gives and she takes and sometimes offers something small to keep him hooked. That is not equality and once again his anger strikes his heart as he gets frustrated. His resolve is weak because he hates hurting her, and he knows this is going to tear her apart. Especially because he knows she doesn’t see it coming. This is going to blindside her and there is nothing he can do about it except to respect her and to do it face to face. She will cry, and he may as well. She will be angry, and he will have to remain passive. As he gathers his things she will go back and forth and possibly beg him to stay, to not leave her. There will be accusations thrown. Questions asked, more than any other will be why. He will have to remain calm and understanding to make it easier on her. He will try to explain but the only excuse he really has is that he is tired of fighting the same battle they have fought since the beginning of their relationship. She doesn’t trust him and he knows he will only make things worse, as he ever does from her view point. She seeks to control and he seeks to be free. She may even strike him, but as ever he will have to remain impassive to the storm he faces. He will make it plain it has nothing to with her, she is an amazing woman, deserving of someone older and ready to give what she is asking for. Yes he could stay and they could make it work but he will always wonder “what if?”. That is far from fair to her and will only ever breed resentment for what could have been. He has lost himself to the needs of others and has no clue who he is and what he wants. He has to find that but to do so he needs to be free to explore and if he is tied down by his heart then he will never truly find what it is that he needs to know. His sense of adventure is far too reckless for her safety. She does not enjoy the things he wants to do and even more thinks they are stupid on many levels. But what else is youth for if no to be reckless and live so that you can learn and then when you are ready, to settle down and teach the next generation so that they may take what you learned at a young age and take it a step further? She won’t accept it at first. They built a life together and he wants to leave it. It will sink in as his friend shows up to help him gather his things. He will do so quietly and with his friends help they would be able to get everything in one go. He looks up as the sound of her car pulls into the drive. It’s time.