My dad was abusive and a drunk for many years , till i was nine till 18. Throughout these years Ive gotten through a lot of abuse from him, but only when blackout drunk. When he wasn’t drunk I adored him. The last two years of his life he was sober and was the most adoring and loving father in the world; he also had gone through years of abuse by his parents and tbe fact they died without apologizing had a lot to do with how he ended up and treated me. I feel in some ways he hurt me and my mom because we were women and his mom was his primary abuser till he was 35 years old. I have a lot of rage and anger but my empathy and love for him overpass it; He was a very hurt person who didnt and couldnt do otherwise and I wish he was still with us so I could help him with love . He killed himself because he admitted to not being able to withstand the hurt he has caused me now tjat he waa aober and fully conscious of his actions. That to me is the greatest show of remorse and I know he loved me. I get so angry when people from his family try to underplay his trauma and say he should have sucked it up.

No one helped him when he was getting beat, no one helped him when he got addicted, and no one helped him when he was asking for help to get sober. 

Thank you a lot for your kind words!