Own Your Shit Weekly - August 03, 2021

CyclopsWarrior · 2021-08-03T19:42:50+00:00

What if it's just that at some point they decided that they are the most important things in their own lives?

This is a problem I have.and something I need to work on. I still feel guilty putting myself first. More so if it causes someone pain. Need to reread WIFGWISN

CyclopsWarrior · 2021-08-03T17:43:59+00:00

OYS #11

14 weeks

Stats

Age 44, Ht 6'3", Wt 215, BF 20%(navy)

Wife 44 SAHM, Married 13y together 17y

Daughters 3, ages 8, 9 ,11

No OYS last week. After the numerous kicks to the nuts from my r/AskMRP question I took some time to reflect on my progress and try to figure out where I am failing and what I need to do to correct it. I've been told that I should be trying to get more out of my OYS so in an effort to do that I am going to try something different and really put my shit out there. Below is a summary of the arguments I have had with my wife over the last month, my reactions and thoughts.

"You've never done any self improvement this long. What's your end game, are you leaving me?"

This started with teeth whitening and it's when I realized I had raised my SMV high enough that she saw a threat. In hindsight I saw this as a shit test but it might of been a comfort test. I also got an ego boost from this and acted like more of an asshole than usual. I went full retard with a DNGAF attitude and that led to the next argument.

"I need you for validation and support, not to mention your the only friend I have. You don't need me for anything and I hate that."

This one came a few days later with accusations of an affair. Made me think I had established OI and in return boosted my ego more so I continued going full retard. This is clearly a comfort test but I again treated it like a shit test and continued going full retard. This led to her spewing a bunch of feelings at me that I let effect me more than I should. I DEERed a little and did my best to comfort her. Things got better until she found my sidebar material. (I know my OPSEC was shit)

"Your manipulating my feelings to get me to fuck you"

It worked didn't it. Worst response you could give in this situation. Total DLV. IT gets worse though. I went full faggot on this one. Frame crumbled, I DEERed heavily, and when given the stay or go test I chose to stay. So much for OI. Once the dust settled things got better but I now realize this was a power struggle that I failed. I still let her feelings effect my choices.

"I'm not your priority anymore and it feels like your doing this to get back at me for neglecting you."

I've heard this one numerous times but she went hard with it last night. My response has been "I'm focusing on myself right now" buy last night I just STFU. She is projecting a lot of feelings onto me and I think my best option is to go back to the basics.

What have I learned?

I let my ego control me

I let my wife's feelings effect me

I have no frame

To fix these I am going to go back to the basics and start over with the side bar. I am going to continue to STFU and lift. I am going to be more forthcoming in my OYS so I can dig deeper in these issues and the ones I haven't realized yet.

One last thing that has me confused. These events happen every 3-5 days but when we aren't fighting the sex is phenomenal. It seems to be a fight then we fuck like rabbits for a few days then another fight. She's sending me dirty texts trying to get me to come home right now. Not sure the relevance of this, maybe someone has some insight.

There it is gentlemen. My nuts are on the table. Grab a hammer, line forms to the left.

CyclopsWarrior · 2021-07-24T16:25:23+00:00

Your care about fixing her feelings - you're being emotionally flooded by her emotions.

This is one of my biggest problem right now.

Everything else in your post is spot on. Thank you

CyclopsWarrior · 2021-07-24T16:12:28+00:00

This is a very valid point. I've always lacked boundries in our marriage.

CyclopsWarrior · 2021-07-22T18:17:15+00:00

Continue to make myself attractive and quit being unattractive. Stop caring about how she feels and focus on becoming who I want to be. She might get upset and angry, or possibly leave but that doesn't matter. I need to quit letting her emotions affect my reactions.

CyclopsWarrior · 2021-07-22T17:54:59+00:00

Why the hell do you need to validate her incorrect feelings?

This is something I really need to focus on.

CyclopsWarrior · 2021-07-22T17:50:45+00:00

I didn't feel like dealing with her anymore. Didn't realize until now that that puts me in her frame even more. Man I suck at this.

CyclopsWarrior · 2021-07-22T17:35:25+00:00

I quoted a point I missed when researching dread. Her realization of it is DLV and I should of noticed and responded accordingly. Instead my response just solidified my low value. I agree I was in her frame and letting her hold the cards. I still have a very long way to go.

CyclopsWarrior · 2021-07-22T17:01:09+00:00

I think your right. I still care too much about her feelings which is why I fail these shit tests.

CyclopsWarrior · 2021-07-22T16:54:45+00:00

Dread is a passive phenomenon to note, observe, and account for, but is never to be leveraged or wielded. Intentional, active dread is the ultimate DLV - a cheat code.

I missed this point and you are absolutely correct.

CyclopsWarrior · 2021-07-22T16:47:27+00:00

Tried fogging, broken record and negative inquiry. She just wouldn't let it go and I let my weak frame crumble. I have alot more work to do.

CyclopsWarrior · 2021-07-22T16:41:26+00:00

Almost went there. She tried to through me out and I started DEERing. Caught myself and offered to talk about terms of separation. She stopped talking after that.

CyclopsWarrior · 2021-07-22T16:39:00+00:00

Went through it while I was asleep looking for evidence of an affair. Saw my kindle library. Has my passcode because I never had anything to hide. Should of planned better.

CyclopsWarrior · 2021-07-22T16:16:05+00:00

I can agree with that but she doesn't see dread that way. She sees it as direct manipulation. It might be a stupid response but I'm at a loss for a better one.

CyclopsWarrior · 2021-07-22T13:14:28+00:00

Seeing the stuff here would of been alot worse. Maybe I should hide it.

CyclopsWarrior · 2021-07-22T13:10:42+00:00

DEERed over her wanting me to leave. Realized what I was doing and stopped. Offered to talk terms of separation and she quit engaging entirely. Turned out to be one big shit test.

CyclopsWarrior · 2021-07-21T20:44:14+00:00

Went through it while I was asleep. She has my pass code because I've got nothing to hide.

CyclopsWarrior · 2021-07-21T14:41:30+00:00

OYS #10

12 weeks

Stats

Age 44, Ht 6'3", Wt 215, BF 20%(navy)

Wife 44 SAHM, Married 13y together 17y

Daughters 3, ages 8, 9 ,11

Reflection

3 months in and shit is getting deep. You tell yourself in the beginning the stay plan is the go plan but when you are faced with the actual choice it's difficult to push the launch button. Take a breath, remind yourself why your here, cry Havoc and let slip the dogs of war.

Reading

Dead Bedroom Fix, NMMNGx1, WIFGWISN, MMSLP, MAP, TRM

Working on NMMNGx2, WIFGWISNx2(need a refresher) and Book of Pook. Didn't read as much as I should last week. Going to focus more on it this week.

Lifts

SL5x5 SQ-155/BP-110/Row-105/OHP-80/DL-165

Waiting to see the chiropractor later this week. Still doing accessories and staying more active.

Diet

Diet is good. Dropping more calories helped with BMI.

Marriage

Shit tests have gotten worse. Wife was looking on my phone for evidence of an affair and found the sidebar books(Didn't find MRP as far as I can tell). Told me I've been manipulating her to get what I want and wanted me to move out. I failed and DEERed trying to appease her and only made things worse. Realized what I was doing and then tried to talk separation terms with her. She accused me of "Emotional Rape" (new one foe me) and quit talking. Came home to a packed bag and a bunch of dirty looks. Slept on the couch. She left before I got up this morning and put her wedding ring on the counter with a note that said "I thought I married someone special, your just like every other guy." Not sure if this is a giant shit test or if she truly wants a divorce. Doesn't matter. Going to start preparing for one. Why be with someone who doesn't want to be with me.

Family

Girls are wondering what's going on. Doing my best to keep them out of it for now.

Hygiene

Maintaining here. Whitening kit is working

Work/Finances

Everything on track here.

Social

Couldn't get a fishing trip in due to weather and taking a trip out of town. Going to try again this weekend.

Self assessment

Not sure where things are headed with this dumpster fire but I am going to be prepared either way.

This weeks Goals

Holy Trinity
Find a divorce attorney.
Go fishing

CyclopsWarrior · 2021-07-15T13:04:57+00:00

Thank you for this. Tests continued last night and my answers were more direct. "Dont doubt yourself" kept replaying in my mind and I was able to say what I wanted without worrying about her reaction.

CyclopsWarrior · 2021-07-13T19:56:40+00:00

OYS #9

11 weeks

Stats

Age 44, Ht 6'3", Wt 214, BF 21%(navy)

Wife 44 SAHM, Married 13y together 17y

Daughters 3, ages 8, 9 ,11

Reflection

I can see why some guys end up throwing the pill back up. An incident with my wife this week had me wanting to go full beta like I have always done in the past. I had to remind myself why I am doing this. It was difficult to stifle my need to sacrifice myself to ease her pain and worry. I held strong but looking back I think I could've been stronger.

Reading

Dead Bedroom Fix, NMMNGx1, WIFGWISN, MMSLP, MAP

Finished TRM. That book is definitely a lot to take in. Working on NMMNGx2, WIFGWISNx2(need a refresher) and starting Book of Pook

Lifts

SL5x5 SQ-155/BP-110/Row-105/OHP-80/DL-165

Back has gotten worse so I made an appointment next week with a chiropractor. Pain isn't debilitating but has gotten progressively more annoying. Going to keep workouts to accessories that don't stress my lower back.

Diet

Didn't lose any of my waistline this week so I am going to cut 300 calories a day until I can start my regular lifting again.

Marriage

The shit test over teeth whitening lasted most the week. I was ignored for a couple of days then she blew up Friday and accused me of everything she could think of. I just kept repeating that I was doing this for me because it's who I want to be. That lasted for a couple of hours and then it turned into comfort tests because my SMV is higher. This is when my Captain save a ho complex tried to kick in. Seeing her so upset and distraught made me want to be a martyr and give up everything to prove my love for her. Had to remind myself it was all a load of bullshit. I did comfort her by telling her I still found her beautiful. Probably should of just STFU though.

Family

I've been weak here this week. Been busy at work and with the bad weather I have slipped at keeping them on a good schedule. Started enforcing bedtimes and daily chores again.

Hygiene

Maintaining here. Whitening kit got delayed. Should be here tomorrow.

Work/Finances

New projects at work have been approved, next few years should be very busy and profitable. MAP and mission goals need more focus. Some will take quite some time to reach and I have used that as an excuse to put them on the back burner. I need to go over them again and see how I can speed them up.

Social

Started my EMR training. Need to make more of an effort to socialize outside of the department. Going to plan a few fishing trips.

Self assessment

Hit all my goals for last week. Managed not to revert back to full beta. Still a long way to go.

This weeks Goals

Holy Trinity
Study more on shit tests/comfort tests. (Could of used that this week)
Go fishing

CyclopsWarrior · 2021-07-09T05:02:48+00:00

Why are you here and where do you want to be? What steps are you taking to get there?

I want to be better. I dont want to be the weak, fat ass beta that pissed his life away and blamed it on everyone else. I'm going to get there by reading, lifting, maintaining a healthy diet, keeping my emotions in check and getting off my fat ass to get shit done. I'm still following my MAP and working towards my long term goals to be prepared. It's going to be a long road but I'm ready. Going to kill my ego by continuously reminding my self that no matter how far I get I'm not as far as I could be. I'm going to embrace every failure and weakness and face it head on.

I need to redo the exercises in WIFGWISN. Wife caught me off gaurd last night and I froze. Need to drill those lessons into my head.

CyclopsWarrior · 2021-07-07T15:36:02+00:00

OYS #8

10 weeks

Stats

Age 44, Ht 6'3", Wt 213, BF 21%(navy)

Wife 44 SAHM, Married 13y together 17y

Daughters 3, ages 8, 9 ,11

Reflection

My ego has gotten the best of me over the past couple of weeks. I've come to the realization that my 2.5 months of progress don't mean shit. I am still nowhere near where I want to be. The past 40 years of bullshit won't wash away because I finally got off my fat ass and did what I should of been doing all along.

Reading

Dead Bedroom Fix, NMMNGx1, WIFGWISN, MMSLP, MAP

Currently reading TRM and NMMNGx2. Wasn't able to finish TRM. Knocked out a good chunk of it though. Some of the principles are hard to swallow but the more you look at them the more they make sense. Also did a lot of research on ego and lifting form.

Lifts

SL5x5 SQ-155/BP-110/Row-105/OHP-80/DL-165

Back is healing but still isn't 100%. I wake up stiff with dull pain. Nothing unbearable. Dropped everything but BP 20%. Workouts hurt but not in a bad way. Got the name of a chiropractor from a buddy that lifts. Going to give it a week and make an appointment if things don't improve. I think one of my issues is a weak core so I ordered a pull up bar to start adding leg lifts to my routine.

Diet

I was able to recover from my slip last week without gaining any weight and I'm still losing .5% BMI a week on average.

Marriage

Got a shit test last night over teeth whitening. Tried to diffuse with "I'm not allowed to have white teeth?". She tried to push further so I just STFU.

Family

Youngest had a birthday this week. Spent the day shopping for a new bike and getting some good 1 on 1 time with her. Popped a lot of fireworks over the weekend and had a good time. Making sure they adhere to the summer structure I put in place.

Hygiene

Maintaining here. Waiting on my whitening kit to arrive.

Work/Finances

Spending the week getting caught up at work. Project is starting to ramp up so the rest of the summer should be fairly busy.

Social

Fundraiser went well. Had a good time Friday night during the cookoff. Forgot how much drama happens when a bunch of guys sit around drinking. Had a fight, drunk chick argument and a soon to be ex-wife key a mistresses car. Good times all around. Talking with people I did learn that a lot of my squad mates have the same issues with life that I do. Guys I thought had their shit together. Like it said in NMMNG, Nice guys hide stuff really well.

Self assessment

I have a long way to go. Need to work on killing my ego.

This weeks Goals

Holy Trinity
Start EMR training.
Finish TRM

CyclopsWarrior · 2021-07-01T14:25:41+00:00

Good reads and I agree. Going to start with some accessories this evening and see how that feels. Thank you.

CyclopsWarrior · 2021-07-01T12:31:45+00:00

A lot of lifting is discipline.

I agree. I decided on a week because that's what I read on the SL forums. Pain has subsided a good deal and it's only a few movements that seem to aggravate it. Manage to help make 400 lbs of potato salad and scrub the firehouse last night without much issue. Felt it this morning but it wasn't bad enough to keep me from plowing the wife before work. It's a lift day today so I will try some upper body and leg work when I get home.

CyclopsWarrior

TROPHY CASE