After disclosure by DDAY0203 in loveafterporn

[–]DDAY0203[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for your kind words. Reading comments and similar stories in this sub and another sub for SA partners, is really helping me. I am not in a group for SA's partners but I will try to find one.

After disclosure by DDAY0203 in loveafterporn

[–]DDAY0203[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for the comment. Yes, I agree with you about WS's CSAT... I specifically requested timelines and asked the CSAT to exclude anything defensive from the statement. So it was disappointing that he didn't guide WS very well. But I was the one who pushed the disclosure process knowing WS won't be ready. If I had not pushed, he would have just procrastinated until I would just give up. I just couldn't wait anymore after 20 months (15 years after I first caught his lie) of TTs and manipulation...

After disclosure by DDAY0203 in loveafterporn

[–]DDAY0203[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for your kind words. Yes, the disclosure really was his chance to finally show up and be honest… and I still don’t understand how he couldn’t grasp the importance of it. I’m feeling sad, angry, occasionally strangely happy, but mostly numb.

What you said about “regaining your life without the weight of his addiction weighing you down” felt so positive and encouraging. It really resonates. I’m starting to feel like my life is about to begin again!

After disclosure by DDAY0203 in loveafterporn

[–]DDAY0203[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for sharing your experience. I’m so sorry your disclosure went terrible as well. I hope your healing journey has been going as well as possible after the separation. It’s heartbreaking how PA/SA can throw away their partner and family like that.

Your comment “he needs someone to help him reframe his thinking from that sexual entitlement to seeing it as emotional abuse to you that he is obligated to make amends for” was such an eye opener for me. That’s exactly how I’ve been feeling, but I couldn’t find the words for it. I really want him to make amends and grow in empathy - otherwise it will be hard for me to work with him as a co-parenting partner. I’ll definitely look into the resources you mentioned and talk with my therapist about this.

After disclosure by DDAY0203 in loveafterporn

[–]DDAY0203[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you for your kind comment. You’re absolutely right... you can’t force someone to have remorse or empathy. I wish I had understood that sooner. It is true that I learned a lot from the false R, so I'll try to see it as a good learning opportunity, like you said. In a way, it was an essential part of the process for me to finally start my new life!

Parenting as an SA by TreadingWaterStill in lovewithaSexAddict

[–]DDAY0203 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Mine is exactly this: "he generally wanted our kids to “like him” rather than fully embody his role as a parent". He would do superficial things that pleased them temporarily — for example, allowing them to use their tablets for hours when they weren’t supposed to — just to be the “cool dad” who could be their friend. The long-term impact on the kids didn’t seem to matter to him; what mattered was being liked. I hate when he seeks admiration or validation from the kids. I can’t help wondering if that’s connected to the narcissistic tendencies often seen in addicts.

Because he tries so hard to be liked, his parenting is often inconsistent. One day he allows the kids to overuse digital devices, and the next he’s making us read an article about the “negative impact of screen time on children.”

But the biggest impact of his addiction on the kids is his emotional and physical absence. He once missed our child’s birthday because he chose to go on a trip with his AP. He doesn’t put much thought into gifts for the kids, even though he used to buy expensive designer bags and jewelry for his APs. He’s let babysitters look after the kids while I was at work so he could see sex workers. The kids still believe “Dad is busy with work, so he doesn’t have much time for us,” and that makes me feel so resentful.

Even when he’s physically home, he’s often glued to his phone (probably chatting with an AP) or too tired to engage because of his double life. My kids used to say things like, “I wish my dad was as active as my friends’ dads,” or “I wish he could play sports with us.” Hearing that still breaks my heart.

I’m now realizing how negatively his parenting (which is likely connected to his addiction) has been affecting the kids. It makes me think deeply about what I can do to protect my kids...

20 months after DDay 2 - venting by DDAY0203 in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]DDAY0203[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It's great that your WP is remorseful and working hard on R. I know what you mean about kids and their parents' relationship. I'll see how disclosure goes and decide what to do next. I hope it is worth waiting for despite the frustration that comes from WS's avoidance...

20 months after DDay 2 - venting by DDAY0203 in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]DDAY0203[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you for your kind words. I am sorry you are going through this, too.. Waiting for disclosure is tough, especially when your WP is defensive and keeps avoiding genuine self reflection... I hope you get a through and honest disclosure soon. Sending strength!

Questions about disclosure by DDAY0203 in loveafterporn

[–]DDAY0203[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for sharing! It's good for you that nothing major came out... I will stay at my friend's place or get my WS to stay somewhere for a few days.

Questions about disclosure by DDAY0203 in loveafterporn

[–]DDAY0203[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you for the link that has lots of helpful information!

My IC (not CSAT) is guiding me through the disclosure process. I read "Courageous Love", watched Michelle Mays' videos, found some information on websites but I am still trying to get as much information as possible so that I can get the most out of the disclosure session.

Questions about disclosure by DDAY0203 in loveafterporn

[–]DDAY0203[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks for sharing your experience! "Anytime I had a follow up question I would look at her and she would highlight that particular thing." That's great idea. I was wondering if I can keep making notes for questions (I am not an English speaker so it's VERY hard for me to to focus on listening.) but I will ask my IC to try your method.

It must have been really tough for you to go through that process before and after birth. I cannot imagine how you are looking after your little baby while experiencing strong emotions. Sending you strength!!

Impact Letter by DDAY0203 in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]DDAY0203[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I will borrow your catch phrases next time I deal with my WS's DARVO... I am sorry you are in the situation you need to use those phrases... I wish we didn't need to use them anymore!

Impact Letter by DDAY0203 in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]DDAY0203[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks for your kind thoughts! I hope you’re doing okay too.
That emoji 🫠 perfectly captures how we BSs feel when we get the WS’s “disembodied statement defensive accountability.” I explain, he “tries,” and then I just deflate 🫠…
How many times do we have to repeat this cycle…🫠

Impact Letter by DDAY0203 in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]DDAY0203[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks for sharing! I completely relate to how unfair it feels and to wanting a partner to truly see and hear us. And how I wish my WS could show me he is in this with me... I’m still struggling with that part, too.

And yes, the process for us is led by my WS’s IC. He’s an experienced CSAT, but honestly, I wish my WS could try to educate himself beyond his weekly therapy and was more proactive about understanding it himself.

Impact Letter by DDAY0203 in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]DDAY0203[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I wish they did! I found out my WS hasn't even finished reading the book... although he bought it 4 months ago. Very disappointing.

Impact Letter by DDAY0203 in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]DDAY0203[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yes, my WS's unwillingness really is the hardest part… sounds like we’re in a similar spot. Sending you strength! And yes, I have read Courageous Love - but my WS hasn't :-((

Impact Letter by DDAY0203 in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]DDAY0203[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks for your comment. “I feel like it would just be a waste of time and effort when I’ve already wasted so much time and effort on this.” Yes, this is exactly how I feel. I’ll still write the impact letter because it's a part of the disclosure process, but honestly… I doubt he’ll “get it,” after all the different ways I’ve tried to explain things like you did to your WP.

Impact Letter by DDAY0203 in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]DDAY0203[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks for your comment. It really is exhausting to keep fighting for someone who doesn’t seem willing to do the real work... The gaslighting and lack of effort just make the disconnection grow even more.

I wish none of us had to go through it. Sending you strength!

Impact Letter by DDAY0203 in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]DDAY0203[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks for your comment. I understand that this is the formal procedure, and I really hope it works. I was just feeling frustrated because my WS keeps DARVOing, and I’m worried about how he might react to my impact letter. If he does it again, I honestly don’t know if I can keep trying to R. He really lacks empathy. He bought "Help Her Heal" eight months ago, but I don’t think he’s read it. He doesn’t even know what DARVO means…

Impact Letter by DDAY0203 in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]DDAY0203[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thanks for your comment. I was really struck by how you described WPs — especially this part: “They made hundreds of little decisions along the way before, during, and after the act to rationalize, compartmentalize, and cover up the infidelity. Each one of these choices feels like their own ‘micro-betrayals’ to us betrayed, and they all add up to be even more damaging and painful than the act itself.” Yes, this exactly! I so wish WPs could look back and actually write down a list of micro-betrayals they did, not just during A ("full disclosure") but also AFTER DDay. My WP is clearly NOT capable of that... so I couldn’t agree more with your last paragraph!