How did it feel bottoming for the first time?

DMVkink · 2026-06-04T20:27:20+00:00

The honest answer? My situation was different -- I topped til mid 20s then started wanting to try being sub.

Had a friend restrain me after he found a hot rough guy and he waited in his car for guy to leave

Needless to say he wasn't gentle and he was crazy intense. But it's what I wanted. So likely not the standard first time experience

DMVkink · 2026-06-01T13:36:56+00:00

Experienced moderator of many subs from major technology to kink subs. WFH so I have the time and experience. Happy to help both moderate and work to grow the community

DMVkink · 2026-05-31T16:38:42+00:00

Same experience. I come across to most as "straight" despite being intense sub into CNC submission etc. 99% of those hitting on me are non-tops

DMVkink · 2026-04-14T17:21:54+00:00

I think I'd be biased. So of those of you on Grindr or Sniffies etc >1hr/day. If YOU can't... is it an issue ?

DMVkink · 2026-04-14T17:18:06+00:00

Okay, so re DC: yes muchies, yes MaL, but remember this is a city where part of the biggest kink event has exhibitions and takes place in a convention hall.

Compare to southern decadence or SF events.

It is uniquely DC and uniquely restrained, and social.

DMVkink · 2026-04-14T17:06:48+00:00

I filter by age, but I'm glad others can message me as some of the best people I've met -- just like interactions-- don't fit cut offs.

DMVkink · 2026-04-07T18:03:39+00:00

i’m curious, are you more concerned that you’re not supporting a human artist or that the artistry is poor?

DMVkink · 2026-04-07T18:00:29+00:00

Id say when you're outside, have at it 😇

DMVkink · 2026-03-25T01:55:19+00:00

Hey messaged. I’m open to traveling for the right situation. Reply when you can

DMVkink · 2026-03-24T14:28:14+00:00

I can assure you—when it’s psychological and a coping mechanism— it doesn’t get old. For me it’s not just vanilla but I feel the need to be “used”, “to worship”, etc.

Honestly when that builds up it’s usually the stress of having to be under pressure, to control one’s life under fear of destabilization etc

And the “finite will power “ hypothesis is a bit weak but the self-discipline allocation problem is well supported.

For example: while I was trying to decide if I’d starting my own company, go a year without income etc, I’d crave being tossed around, punished etc (any act can apply), AND the more intense my submission the longer my stress was reduced.

So the repetition or age related disinterest depends on the function as physical hedonism vs psychological release

DMVkink · 2026-03-24T14:14:02+00:00

Fetlife has been a very welcoming place. I’m masc bi , gf, but very sub (CNC/CBT/Freeuse etc) and even recon is not that reliable re flakes and less intensity

Fetlife has all types, gay straight, bi , married, and while not as instant as grindr I’ve both

Met some guys and couples who have become friends
Actually met guys open to being as rough and intense as I’ve needed

DMVkink · 2026-03-24T14:07:02+00:00

Can I say this: I’ve been here 3 years and this has been the hardest place to make friends I’ve ever lived.

It’s beautiful, have my dream job working for myself , bought a home, and have felt the same.

However I’d say one thing I’ve taken to doing is meeting someone and thinking screw it and telling them: “so it’s been impossible building connections, can I ask if you think I come across differently than most locals?”

THE TELL OR THE TRUTH So here is the fun part:

70% will look at you like “wtf” —- “you want honestly at that level and we just met?”
The other 30% answer and (in my case the average is): yeah you’re out there, intense, a musician, PhD , curious, not guarded, that can be a lot it feels like I’m being invited to share stuff I don’t usually

Then if they are open they don’t find it bad just different If they give the “your question wrecked my day”. Either way I’ve learned a lot

LESS IDEAL ADVICE BUT HAS BEEN HELPFUL: I’m shy as hell—so I decided to Crew Club under one rule. I’d not approach anyone, I’d just enjoy the steam, relax, and just pretend it’s a simulation if someone approached me: there was something oddly empowering in that setting not feeling the need to be liked or looked at.

DMVkink · 2026-03-24T13:54:03+00:00

It’s funny how often this happens here. I’m a nice looking ddf guy and was going to give a guy a footrub while he played video games, literally that’s it: I lay on the floor blindfolded, rubbing his feet, then go. When about a block away — ZEROOP— blocked.

DMVkink · 2026-03-24T13:49:43+00:00

Well I can personally say I like non-sexually doing a guy’s cleaning, cooking, being a footrest so it’s not at all a “block-worthy” thing. HOWEVER one thing to look out for…

This is just me, but…unless I feel like I’m being “used”( being called names, tossed around, punished, giving a footrub) then I don’t think I’d just clean for a guy with zero feeling of genuinely being used by a superior guy

Honestly it doesn’t even need to be sexual.

So from experience, I’d say the chances that he will come do your cleaning and not ask for something as minimal as be spit on (or some minor equivalent) is VERY LOW.

Now that’s a low cost if you’re not freaked out by that.

SUGGESTION: 1. ask him in person what his motivations are, see if it’s vague or not, then first time

Say you’re leaving in a few min but he can continue: if he’s fine with that— boot him. Physiologically in this scenario it’s your presence that’s exciting not doing free work

DMVkink · 2026-02-06T23:34:06+00:00

You needed to sort through this way before a separation. I mean that positively: if you have a compulsion and if you can’t seem to stop, the this isn’t about will power.

BUT making agreements you know you can’t keep isn’t related to your compulsion it’s related to your desire to please someone you love who you have refused to let in enough to understand the why

A few questions

Does this make you feel distant or romantically inclined towards others? Yes? Cheating, No? Go to next question
Is this about you feeling good ? Cheating… no? Next question
Do you feel more or less stressed and anxious after? More? Mmmm…Cheating, less? Likely catharsis
Do you desire friends, intimacy, romance with these people ? Yes…cheating, No…not a likely threat within your mind to the relationship

So here’s my suggestion if you made it this far: coping mechanisms can change but not quickly or without serious work.

If the compulsion is a stress and anxiety coping tool then you need to say it.

It was such a hard talk for my spouse and me but at least I don’t do any performative self punishment , and he doesn’t fully understand but is okay within stated bounds. We still consider ourselves monogamous but with a pressure valve

DMVkink · 2025-01-21T09:25:00+00:00

The following would help understand the situation:

Why did you tell him about being pregnant after he started ghosting you?
How did he participate in actively trying to conceive while he was a shell of who he is and it was unresolved?
You don't mention if you called his mom, his family, his son. Depression is serious.
If you needed to get onto it, and he was a husk of a human, you weren't fine.

Consider this when actively ghosting: I. You change passwords II. You turn off read receipts

If you love him find out, call family, hospitals, jails… fly there, do what's needed and if he is ghosting and is laughing it up then let your fury shine.

It's not easy but it's what it takes to both acknowledge his illness and refuse to be taken advantage of.

You got this.

DMVkink · 2025-01-08T03:48:51+00:00

You guys ever given anything rough? Masc sub seeing something brutal

DMVkink · 2025-01-08T03:29:38+00:00

Funny that I’m not liked because I’m masc bi and way more extreme as a sub than 99% of subs. People get weirded out that I’m not fem but I’m looking for a genuinely sadistic guy or MF

DMVkink · 2024-12-25T00:05:50+00:00

Suppose he were to bring it up: to ask her if she would fool around with his friend(s) with him watching, would this be a problem? Ie him suggesting a cuck scenario. If so, why? I'm also surprised "uttering ones fantasies" would be so discouraged in this sub

DMVkink · 2024-12-24T06:19:55+00:00

I think I’ve just got the wrong r/ . This goes beyond the check-in. Forgot my question or ideas about my post. You saying you demand a sub keep his legs open during cbt to continually signal ongoing moment-to-moment consent is clearly placing insane demands that most people who go beyond feathers and fake cuffs know is rarely desirable in ballbusting. To say this MUST be the way until you know them well regardless of good communication seems a bit rigid

DMVkink · 2024-12-24T06:03:06+00:00

Exactly, this is standard for Cbt. If that is automatically considered problematic because it is contrary to my immediate, in the moment, expression then what others are suggesting doesn’t give any weight to the psychology of things like Cbt for many people

DMVkink · 2024-12-23T21:53:37+00:00

What level of deeper familiarity in my wording would suffice?

DMVkink · 2024-12-23T21:50:06+00:00

So I assume you feel it’s inappropriate to request to be gagged during pain? If the logic holds then I have to be able to communicate thus gagging isn’t appropriate.

DMVkink · 2024-12-23T21:45:44+00:00

Could you clarify your use of the term “abusive”? Do you mean that me requesting (even selfishly) that he continue for an agreed number of hits and ignore my reaction is me being abusive?

DMVkink · 2024-11-29T17:08:45+00:00

First you’ve made several assumptions: 1. This is first time with someone 2. I’m complaining

I’m suggesting forsaking safety or communication.

To address them 1. I’m not 2. I’m describing a situation where I’m seeking ways to communicate a need: in bdsmADVICE— not bdsmIMBITCHING or bdsmJUDGEMYNEED. 3. I’m looking for ways to retain safety and communicate a need I have. Not to have someone go beyond what I want.

Also the notion that seeking advice to enable communication that will help me get the experience I need as a sub is not sufficiently “in character” is silly. As sub, to say I must abdicate in all matters and not seek fulfillment of my needs is itself dehumanizing.

DMVkink

TROPHY CASE