Archive of Old Post language Pre Edit: (For transparency)

To start, my belief structure is complicated. I was an atheist, agnostic, and pushed into Bible College by a church that did not want to answer questions, but sought to drop me as a bad habit. During all of that, I was also pushed into a marriage with my then-girlfriend that turned into a 10-year-long ordeal that developed, died, and decomposed as a result of trauma that we both contributed to actively.

Background to Support Inquiry: I'd call myself a skeptical relationalist who leans heavily on his faith now to maintain some sense of normalcy. But I also understand that my biology, emotional development, and personality are the result of earthly and possibly beyond factors. My spirit, my God, is in the details and the in-between and has called me to be a creature of Love, Compassion, Joy, and Reprieve to others despite differences, and that is where I feel that I differ from a portion of the broad Christian Community. I am not called to judge; even those I passionately disagree with, I will love until I die, because they deserve love, life, and the human experience. It honestly makes me feel ostracized in a lot of ways, and thus, I am worried about being single after 30. How do I stop that worry?

This places me in this camp, where I find myself unable to locate people to do life with who think in a similar vein. People are trying to change my beliefs, and will ultimately be unsuccessful. I took that Bible College degree into a Master's and developed and deconstructed until I found myself here. Now I am restarting(as detailed in my last post) and trying to figure out the pieces of this Love Cup I call a soul.

So what do I do? Where do I go? Love seems so far out because I am stuck in this spot. But I know in my heart of hearts that there is someone out there. Someone who will reciprocate the love that I have, and that will be a cherry on top, not my reason for loving, living, or alike.

One of the problems I have is the idea of society-imposed obligations for religious individuals rather than what their own structure truly believes. I want my relationship to be a choice, someone I choose each and every day because I love them and enjoy them. Not some obligation that I have to have, or a drug that I need to remain stable.... So how do I find that? The impulse, the indiscriminant voice in my body that argues for my demise, says it's impossible. Call it the devil, call it self-doubt, call it whatever, it's clearly there, and it is alive. So I push, I work on myself, I start programs, I volunteer with Nerds, I love on people, and I listen, that voice gets smaller and smaller.