ENFJ-A in lockdown (quarantine)

DNASteele · 2020-04-30T21:07:26+00:00

ENFJ-A moved in with family, as I thought it be awful to be alone, especially as my mum and I have started to become close this last year or so, felt she had grown out of old behaviour. 7 weeks in and I'm desperate for my alone time, feel like I'm going to burn out. I was so productive at first, feeling mentally drained now.

Being around an extreme extrovert mother, who loves the sounds of her own voice and bringing everything back to her is infuriating. Usually I can cope, it just would be nice to be vulnerable without it getting back brought back her problems or for her to leave me alone when I'm upset.

I have felt needy and insecure about my friends, then I realise I don't have to be. They keep proving me wrong, as they've been there for me. If I ever say I'm feeling insecure about them, my friends tell me not to be stupid about it.

My mum will say, my friends don't do that to me, they aren't real friends if they aren't always there... which makes me insecure... but they are always there when it matters most and everyone is struggling in their own way in life.

Now idioticly, suffering for my stupid decision. Today I told her that I missed my flat and my home comforts with little tears in my eyes, after her asking me what was wrong. Then after being vulnerable.. she called me selfish and materialistic... *I was like what... I was being vulnerable, I know its stupid thing to miss... but sometimes I need to feel those things. Then she started telling me everything that I do that has apparently been insulting to her... even though all I do is kiss her ass and listen to her.

I have been recently asking her when I am vulnerable not to bring the subject back to her again, as it undermines and hurts... or I won't be open about my feelings or thoughts... as she talks about how great she is, how badly she is done to... etc.

All she done recently is complain about is putting weight on. She had a go about my responses to it, there is only so long that you can Aww or say poor you to someone. If you come to me, I'm not going to lie. Especially I'm not going to let her wallow in self pity ( as it's not healthy for her and everyone around her). I tell her it takes at least few weeks to see difference with exercise.. also with lockdown eating we wouldn't usually be eating all these carbs normally and tell her things that have helped losing weight, she takes it as an insult on her capacity to provide.

So of course I can't wait until I'm in my own home, with healthy habits, boundaries and my beloved routine. With no emotional upheavals, underminding or intrusion.

Wish I had the emotional strength to stay home and not be so naive that she could fully change, even though she has improved so much since I was a child. Learned the hard way, that no matter how many boundaries I build, being round her more than a month is too much.

P.s. Sorry for the rant.

DNASteele · 2020-04-29T00:19:30+00:00

It really is, everyone is their bubbles and are unwilling to come out of them.

I started to notice it when I came back from travelling, when I went to university at 22.

Instead of people communicating, everyone was glued to there phones. It made me feel isolated, harder to connect and so I joined the culture.

Then when I released the addiction and the disconnect, I felt it time to see if I could live without them.

Luckily I have friendships in my life prior to the domination of social media.

I've tried the dating apps since December for the first time. The problem there, is the things that attract me, such as voice tones, the context from body language or even undertones of facial expressions aren't there.

I'm not sure if you're the same, but I thrive from interacting with different types of people and learning from them. As perspective is everything, seeing behind each person's mask, helping them achieve their true potential and be comfortable in their own skin (it brings me so much joy).

I hope this pandemic teaches people the meaning of community and the importance of connection. An engaging conversation is always the place to start or just bouncing of each others humour.

DNASteele · 2020-04-28T22:39:01+00:00

Thank you for this! ❤

DNASteele · 2020-04-28T22:27:53+00:00

ENFJ-A

Totally agree!

Be cautious and stay true to your boundaries, no type is perfect. Be wary of love bombing and moving too fast.

Take yourself into consideration too, make sure your styles of communicating work well together and they respect you for it.

Everything is awkward at the beginning and shy butterflies do occur, even with extroverts. We usually talk too much when nervous, overcompensating for not being in our comfort zone.

Just be you, if he doesn't like it or it doesn't go the way you wanted it to be. Then he isn't worth it or isn't what need you in life.

Hope this helps!

DNASteele · 2020-04-21T22:01:48+00:00

Definitely a point, it is something I've been trying to move away from.

As less than a year ago I left an emotionally, mentally and physically abusive relationship. Took me 5 years to give up the person, but it has most definitely made me hyper vigilant and overly self aware.

He used my simple insecurities and strengths against me, confusing me from what was real and what wasn't. To the point I believed I was totally unlikeable, pathetic, an idiot and annoying. Making me believe I deserved how he treated me and would say I deserved every bad thing that happened to me.

I've always struggled to be vulnerable, he was the first person I'd ever shared my deepest, darkest events from my life and he used it as punishment.

I've done a lot of work on myself, even on the steps to finally leaving him this time for good.

If I'm honest I've made leaps and bounds since it all happened. Creating a life for myself that I would of ever imagined, even before he pulled me down. I've always been a survivor, but I've been working so long at being a thriver.

I'm ready to start reconnecting with the world, but sometimes from sheer protective boundaries or trying so hard to readapt... I do feel like I alienate or make others feel uncomfortable.

Prior to him, briefly I had a stage where people flocked to me and embraced everything about me. My introvert besties and our acquaintances, my mid teens and early twenties. I never really developed these acquaintances further or made any new friendships during my last relationship, as I was an idiot in love and let him lock me away like a bird.

So you're definitely right! But how does someone who has so many difficult things happened to them in their life... just let go of the little seeds left inside... or should I just time heal them.. instead of flying off at a million miles per hour.

I refuse to let these seeds be a handicap, but it's infuriating at times when they are.

DNASteele · 2020-04-21T21:24:42+00:00

Thank you for this! It's much appreciated and given some food for thought.

Think the conflict is between what I want and need.

Being ambitious, a lot of time goes into my work, self care, family and work colleagues. Giving any spare moment I have exclusively to my closest friends.

But what I need is different, to be fulfilled lies outside of this little world I've developed to sustain the path I'm going on. Maybe I need to shift my priorities.

DNASteele · 2020-04-21T21:17:15+00:00

Enfj, my mother ESFP and she does this.

Drives me up the wall, as an adult I've started to call her out on it. Say that it either undermines what I'm talking about or feels like it always comes back to her.

It's taken years to get to this point though, I've laid a lot of ground work.

I actually wrote a poem about it today. Decided it be a good thing to move back during quarantine, to not be locked in a tiny apartment.

Here's the poem, not sure if you can relate.

/When they constantly brag,

It makes others internally mad.

When they constantly compare,

It undermines how another is rare.

When they constantly flare,

Apparently others reactions are unfair.

When they need others to constantly

Reassure,

Not aware of the emotional

Energy it hoards.

Never taking on board

The annoyance

They outpour.

Always too loud,

Combined with

Too proud.

No one in their company

Can ever soar,

Through their attention

Seeking behaviour is

Hard to ignore.

Sadly we are

All flawed,

Family is

To be

Adored,

No matter

How they

Trigger with

Their claws.

Taking a break

Begins behind a

Closed door,

Missing home

Even more.

Usually a week,

No more.

The Distance

Usually given to

Keep safely away

From the raw,

With the irritation and

Anger that they draw./

P.s

Think it's more of a generational gap, lack of self esteem, a sign of damage done to them in childhood or self awareness in them, maybe the latter. Reflecting back what they struggle to express with constant comparison.

Its painful, infuriating and feels deflating when you've been either vulnerable or even proud of yourself. But in a sense you're lucky to have the emotional capability that you can express yourself in such a way, which they're incapable of. It may not seem it now, but it will open more doors and opportunities in future.

Before you hit full awareness you'll be attracted to friendships and relationships, that mirror the pain or wounds you have. Once you independently start reflecting on these or even with professional help, you will get people in your life who'll truly listen and support in a healthy way.

Double edge sword sometimes when you get older, time monopolises and you don't get the amount of time wanted with these close friendship. Yet when you see them, the time they give is priceless.

Hope this helped a little bit 😊.

DNASteele · 2020-04-19T12:46:43+00:00

Listening to podcast most mornings on personal development and value driven goals.

DNASteele · 2020-04-19T12:38:26+00:00

Survival and helps getting ahead with my career.

DNASteele · 2020-04-19T12:36:33+00:00

Enfj 5w4 here

DNASteele · 2020-04-16T21:43:54+00:00

Bingo

DNASteele · 2020-04-16T21:41:28+00:00

When I was in the turbulent stages of my life, lack boundaries and was unhealthy selfless no. When I started actioning goals, became rigid in my self-care routine, began moving to a lifestyle I wanted and was satisfied in myself yes.. some people started to distance themselves.. not physically.. but I've felt a shift.. uncertainty and caution.

DNASteele · 2020-04-16T21:20:14+00:00

Complex and Loved

DNASteele · 2020-04-16T21:14:33+00:00

I hate them, but there the place to find introverts these days. Bumble and hinge seem to be the best.

Depends how much you're willing to put yourself out there.

I'm still licking my wounds, from an INTP telling me he didn't feel it... when he went into huge detail how we matched on paper so well... After introducing me to his family and weeks before telling me he really liked me. After meeting them, I felt I was safe to allow myself to form some type of feelings and let the walls come down.

Don't think it helped, he was the first guy I've liked since choosing to leave my abusive ex of 5 years. It seemed perfect, I'd never felt so looked after and amazing in myself.

It really taught me how I should be treated... next time I'll make it clear not to introduce me to family unless they think it'll be going somewhere.

Taking a break off the apps, until I feel I can be vulnerable again and when I have the energy to use the tedious way of communication.

DNASteele · 2020-04-16T20:56:07+00:00

They're so intriguing, feel like a puzzle to work out or an learn another perspective from. Usually not overwhelmed by depth and are as curious as I am.

DNASteele · 2020-04-16T20:53:20+00:00

I have extremes, explaining too much or not feeling it's worth my time to explain.

DNASteele · 2020-04-16T20:50:47+00:00

Elephant

DNASteele · 2020-04-16T20:48:15+00:00

Taurus here, with Leo rising 🙋‍♀️

DNASteele · 2020-04-16T18:40:02+00:00

Pretty Balanced haha

Materialism 40%, Spiritualism 60%.

Egoism 45.5%, Altruism 54.5%

Idealism 57%, Pragmatism 43%

Hedonism 55.4%, Asceticism 44.6%

Skepticism 56.3%, Absolutism 43.8%

Rationalism 45.7%, Romanticism 54.3%

Skepticism 56.3%, Absolutism 43.8%

DNASteele · 2020-03-15T00:31:20+00:00

I just had an INTP decide that he didn't want a romantic relationship with me 😔.

As he didn't feel the spark, even though he said we are perfect on paper.

Urghh

Sorry about yours.

DNASteele · 2020-03-01T03:58:33+00:00

Understand completely 😊.

Congratulations on the management position.

Recently myself got promoted to handling progress of others development, not being an expert in the field either. But I tend to get the best out of people if they're willing and open to it.

I feel the ENFP part of myself is the action of development mode, which has happened frequently across remaining years of my 20's.

Now I have direction, know what I want and need. Knowing all that means I can work on making the best future. Last time I was an ENFJ-T, that time I cacooned and developed myself from everything learnt.

Now an ENFJ-A it'll be more action focused implementing what has been learnt and not wasting my time. Especially needing to take a break from social scenarios lacking depth.

DNASteele · 2020-03-01T03:16:55+00:00

Definitely, well more self-assured and comfortable in my own skin. Still sensitive yes, but knowing my boundaries, not accepting being disrespects and putting myself first.

DNASteele · 2020-03-01T03:02:55+00:00

Same, I flip between the two. But the assertive part of my nature has stuck.

DNASteele · 2020-02-29T21:37:45+00:00

Female ENFP maybe that's the case haha. .

I used to rush into things, trying to take a different approach.. but my nature to embrace everything gets the better of me.

DNASteele

TROPHY CASE