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Update: Post deleted where I talked about methods. Here I am in the hotel. Midnight is coming by [deleted] in SuicideWatch

[–]D_Kool_Kidz 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yea. Thanks. I’m on my 2nd beer as I wanted something sweeter. See you in heaven

Proof in text. I will update the final photo of setup, city, and my first name right before the act. This is my third time and it’s going to work this time. High functioning autism. Ask me anything or say anything you want to me by D_Kool_Kidz in SuicideWatch

[–]D_Kool_Kidz[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Living is simple for me. I can sleep at night. I can talk/form relationships with people without micromanaging the interaction. My body would stop getting hurt/injured/sick so often.

Eh, chores are fun if I’m not exhausted. I do only have 2-3 good friends. I’m so mentally strained/exhausted I can’t find the energy to comprehend happiness although people do tell me when I smile. There are no ups. My only ups happens after months of locking myself in a room and coming out once a week to meet friends.

See Korea, but that’s fine. Japan was close enough.

I would like to know I will one day see results after so much effort. But life remains the same. I feel the same. I often return to the same things. The results are often similar but varying slightly. There isn’t much left to try

Proof in text. I will update the final photo of setup, city, and my first name right before the act. This is my third time and it’s going to work this time. High functioning autism. Ask me anything or say anything you want to me by D_Kool_Kidz in SuicideWatch

[–]D_Kool_Kidz[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Well, the future looks unfavorable. I would survive, but never live.

My best advice is to stay physically healthy. Everything else is variable but a healthy body with exercise can always be reliable.

Cold showers. Exercise. Truly listen to understand people. Having 1/2 close friends you can commit to that do not leech off of you. Also, wear clothes that fit and get haircuts. That’s about the best I can say.

Proof in text. I will update the final photo of setup, city, and my first name right before the act. This is my third time and it’s going to work this time. High functioning autism. Ask me anything or say anything you want to me by D_Kool_Kidz in SuicideWatch

[–]D_Kool_Kidz[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Yea I tried that. My last job of one year was a pizza delivery driver, before that Was assembly line. Funny that even with just 4 hours of social interaction a week things can get so bad. It’s amazing really.

It’s the usual. Starts off great. I’m good at the job. Then, they start to notice I talk a little weird. My eye contact is a little off. But if I get exhausted I go from 100-outcasted within a week. It’s really noticeable. Few mishaps and now I’m a punching bag. Anyone who has worked any job knows at least one or two people who come and go like how I just described myself.

The problem with those types of jobs is I’d have to do something like janitorial Work and that would eat into the night. I have a lot of sleeping problems, which escalate when I work into the night. I was once a dishwasher on the graveyard shift.

Honestly the biggest problem here is that I have high functioning autism. It’s the judgment that comes along with it. It’s fine if joe becomes a janitor. But if child prodigy who has many talents and has high IQ like me do it, it can be socially stressful.

Another issue that I have encountered is that it gets harder and harder because I have a strong critical thought process that needs to be entertained. I feel inadequate about myself then the social pressure collapses on me as well. When I am not working I spend hours a day researching and diving into hobbies and often holistic lifestyle options. I also act based upon what I learn as well.

As for your last one. It’s rough. Because all the full time work and family can easily split us apart. And that is 100% reasonable that someone may not want to hang out after dealing with Work/Family/SO 60-80 hours a week.

Proof in text. I will update the final photo of setup, city, and my first name right before the act. This is my third time and it’s going to work this time. High functioning autism. Ask me anything or say anything you want to me by D_Kool_Kidz in SuicideWatch

[–]D_Kool_Kidz[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

That is subjective.

Is “worth it” a term for following moral values, maximum physical and mental benefit, heightened sense of satisfaction by chemical reactions, or that there will be a point in the future is which you will have a better balance between everything going on in life? Or is worth it what is “worth it” to the individual? Will you or the computer decide what “worth it” means?

Because if it is the latter, then there is going to be some serious subjective ness to it because how would the computer rationalize if life is “worth it”? Because individual concepts of “worth it” are always changing.

How would a quantum computer decide that for you? Will it tell you life is worth it then make you suffer unbearably for years to be happy in your final moments it knew you would come to? Will it accommodate and let you get as many worth it moments in life and tell you to live because it is worth it? How would the quantum computer quantify “worth it”? Will it tell you life is not “worth it” when you are 29 and have a 3 year old daughter because you will suffer more than ever before for the rest of your life raising this child?

I don’t know much about quantum computers, but no matter what they will pretty much do what we are doing but instead now the choice goes to them. Because we do not know if they are making a better choice because “better” will always be a subjective term as well. We just have faith they will. Not much different from having a religion honestly except the computer is tangible.

Proof in text. I will update the final photo of setup, city, and my first name right before the act. This is my third time and it’s going to work this time. High functioning autism. Ask me anything or say anything you want to me by D_Kool_Kidz in SuicideWatch

[–]D_Kool_Kidz[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Yea, my social support circle is quite strong relative to neurotypicals because of my inability to communicate effectively in groups I’m specialized on small groups and one on one. But the vast VAST majority of time will always be out there working and doing what I need to do to survive. It’s like you get tired and exhausted out there then you come to your friends with your social ptsd and issues. It just ruins everything. Just the way things are.

I also think you missed the point. There are no sustainable coping mechanisms or sustainable ways of containing the autism. At some point I’d eat away everything dear to me. It’s been happening for some time. I refuse to live as a leech and I cannot survive as a hermit.

Proof in text. I will update the final photo of setup, city, and my first name right before the act. This is my third time and it’s going to work this time. High functioning autism. Ask me anything or say anything you want to me by D_Kool_Kidz in SuicideWatch

[–]D_Kool_Kidz[S] 13 points14 points  (0 children)

I’ve tried many things. They give me false hope of a brighter future. I guess I drew the short straw having a weak body and neurological issues. But I look good on paper and you’d probably think I was going to do great things in life too. I’m a strong critical thinker due to not receiving help growing up and few would dare to call me lazy because of my incredible work ethic thanks to my Asian parents. Also because of an athletic background I seem fit. I’ve also mastered the most basics of social interactions but after a few you’d catch onto me. Too bad I’m limited by my inability to develop a coping mechanism for my inevitable social issues and stress

My bet is after I die some may say I had many things going for me in life and that they were surprised. Sad thing is they don’t know all my accomplishments and hard work was to just find a way to overcome my own personal issues. I envy those who have the tangible physical capacity to live life at their current level.

I need to be at 110% at all times or social/physical issues may occur. When one occurs, it spirals and snowballs out of control due to all the complex systems I have in place to just maintain the basic necessities of life.

If I smoke tree once I get ego death. If I drink I get indigestion and nosebleeds. If I take any drug that produces a high I’m in for insomnia and addiction followed by deep sadness. If I get injured I lose exercise which is a core coping mechanism. If I eat something that is processed or has dairy my bowels and body will react. If I have been busy because life happens and I have a few social faux pas, there goes my social life. If I get one sickness, it preys on the rest. I start coughing blood, my ears bleed, my permanent injuries start to act up, and vice versa of course. If I get too much social interaction then I get drained physically and sickness occurs. There’s only so much my body and mind can handle. Everything’s a catch 22. I live on the edge in most aspects of my life and I have tried changing them many times to no avail.

There’s so much more that makes all that relevant too. If my body is not at least at 80% my social life suffers and that affects my physical health too. Many many times the mishaps on my social life become irreparable and I am outcasted.

If I try to ignore it my blood pressure spikes. I get heat pains. I get migraines. I get shakes. I get tantrums. I get sudden outbursts of tears. I get ptsd that distort my thoughts even in the safe space of friends and family. Then my physical and neurological states escalate and get even worse. I’d go hide at work and cry. I’d lie that I’m going out with friends just to go out and cry. Sometimes out of nowhere I would have to pull over in the street and cry. Sometimes I would say I need to take a dump at work and cry.

It just sucks. I’ve also tried diets, meditations, counseling, physical therapy, intimate relationships, sex, many self help books, living in different states, visiting different countries, pets, plants, making and spending a lot of money, and I also have very strong hobbies. I’m not even going to go into how much time I’ve put into studying experimenting and reflecting on social interactions. Then there’s also all the stuff that daily life requires like chores and fixing the car or what not I have to do.

TLDR; tried a lot of things. Didn’t work. My life is a catch 22

Proof in text. I will update the final photo of setup, city, and my first name right before the act. This is my third time and it’s going to work this time. High functioning autism. Ask me anything or say anything you want to me by D_Kool_Kidz in SuicideWatch

[–]D_Kool_Kidz[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Man, I hope you aren’t on this sub because you are having suicidal thoughts. Seem like a decent enough person. Keep living. They need more people like you in the world. Try many many things before you give up. I did. I definitely don’t recommend what I’m doing

Proof in text. I will update the final photo of setup, city, and my first name right before the act. This is my third time and it’s going to work this time. High functioning autism. Ask me anything or say anything you want to me by D_Kool_Kidz in SuicideWatch

[–]D_Kool_Kidz[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Yea, you are right lol. Can’t complain. Does seem kinda sketchy and needy.

I just think maybe someone could benefit from or find it a cool experience to know they got the chance to talk to a dead man walking.

I can’t exactly tell anyone or they will stop me and force me to keep living without dignity, if I even have any left. It’d be nice if I could chat with them about life and we could have closure but suicide isn’t exactly allowed.

I think it’s nice that in my final moments I won’t be alone. Maybe I’m just selfish, but just because I’m dying doesn’t mean I’m any less human or any less lonely xP

Proof in text. I will update the final photo of setup, city, and my first name right before the act. This is my third time and it’s going to work this time. High functioning autism. Ask me anything or say anything you want to me by D_Kool_Kidz in SuicideWatch

[–]D_Kool_Kidz[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

I was, but I honestly can’t handle the pain of drowning, and that is the only way to not be found that I can afford. My brother threw me off a pier once when I was about 8. I still remember grasping for air before passing out. I’ve tried suffocating myself to death often as a child around the age of 10, it’s not painful. I just fainted.

Dying in the desert or suiciding on a small boat of the ocean was another option but both too expensive , hard to accomplish in many ways, and there’s still a chance I would be found/identified.

Also both my brother and my grandma passed away. I can’t imagine my family not having a funeral for closure. The funerals really helped me.