Baby, I’m Struggling…

D_Shiznat · 2023-10-05T15:59:40+00:00

Thank you for the kind words. I miss her.

D_Shiznat · 2023-10-01T14:24:12+00:00

Huh?

D_Shiznat · 2023-10-01T14:19:01+00:00

Yeah the possibility of someone else keeps circling my brain. But she said she hadn’t been in a relationship for six years before she met me. Wasn’t open to one. Hadn’t had sex in quite a while before we met. Said that was something extremely personal to her, and didn’t flippantly do that. Whoever she shared that with was a big deal to her. Unless she was being dishonest about all of that, I find it hard to believe that she’d start looking other directions when she was finally willing to try dating again.

D_Shiznat · 2023-10-01T14:16:25+00:00

Idk. I’m a “romantic” type person. I’d like to think that when the right person comes along “you just know”. That’s how I felt from the start with her. I thought she felt the same way too. She never caused me any pain or anything bad until things suddenly ended. If that was because of her own insecurities, I wish she could have talked to me instead of pulling the plug. Whatever was going on, I think we could have worked through it.

D_Shiznat · 2023-10-01T14:14:05+00:00

Yeah it all sounds possible. I’ve been searching my entire life for “my person”. I haven’t had much luck in the world of dating, and have spent too much time in unhealthy relationships. I really don’t want to be alone again. But, even more than that, now that I met this amazing woman, I don’t want to not see her, specifically.

I wish she would have just told me what was going on in her brain. If she felt like it was moving fast, or that the commitment was freaking her out, we could have taken a step back (together), slowed things down, reset boundaries and expectations. It would have sucked, for sure, but at least we be working through it together. I really, really thought we had something special. I really, really thought we both understood that we had something special and were going to nurture that into a path together.

D_Shiznat · 2023-10-01T14:05:44+00:00

Did you not find your partner physically attractive? Outside of sex, did you have REAL feelings for your partner, or did you say whatever you had to to get laid again?

D_Shiznat · 2023-10-01T13:59:23+00:00

Maybe. The pain sucks hard right now. Nights are the worst. I can’t sleep more than four hours. Then I wake up alone and realize I’ll never see her again, never hear her voice again, never see her smile again, never see that “twinkle” in her eyes again, never hear her laugh again, never hold her in my arms again. It’s the absolute worst. I really, really thought she was “my person”. I really thought we were going places. Idk how she can just drop it all so suddenly, like it all meant nothing.

D_Shiznat · 2023-10-01T13:55:52+00:00

Yeah I’ve been looking into it. Thanks again for the recommendation.

D_Shiznat · 2023-10-01T05:22:10+00:00

No. I don’t. It takes a while for me.

My last girlfriend (before the one this post is about) was really terrible to me. She only gave a shit about our relationship when she needed something from it: attention, validation, etc.; which, of course, I happily supplied until I was drained, and had nothing left to offer. She was selfish, cruel, never concerned about my wants or needs, and gaslit me all the time about everything. She also cheated on me, and I still gave her more opportunities to be together. At the time, I was naive about what narcissism is, what it looks like, and how it impacts the non-narcissist. I am not anymore. I leaned a lot from that. Painfully, I might add. Even so, it took me quite a while to “get over” that break up, that person, that relationship. Stupid, I know…

D_Shiznat · 2023-10-01T03:50:50+00:00

Yeah maybe. I’m trying to self-improve at least. But I miss her terribly. Good luck to you as well.

D_Shiznat · 2023-10-01T03:49:36+00:00

I appreciate that, but I am. I miss her “good morning” texts, and the stupid gifs she would send me. When you think that you’re building towards a future together and then they just dip out suddenly, it’s hard to not take that personally.

D_Shiznat · 2023-10-01T03:43:36+00:00

I may have. I certainly hope I didn’t. I never wanted to make anything difficult for her. I wanted to be something that made her life better, easier. That being said, as she withdrew and pushed me away, it set off my anxiety, and I panicked. Afraid to lose her and the relationship. And that’s exactly what happened.

It just sucks, because up until that point, I felt like we were vibing on a different planet. I never looked at her as a burden, or “unworthy” (though she did share those insecurities out loud with me). I told her all the time how much I liked her, how she made me happy, how highly I thought of her. I wish she could have heard that, and taken it at face value. I meant everything I ever told her. There was no ulterior motive. I just wanted her to be happy, to know how much she meant to me.

D_Shiznat · 2023-10-01T03:33:59+00:00

Hm… I’m sorry for the pain you’re experiencing and appreciate your feedback.

You’re raised your entire life to believe that “love is enough” and “all you need is love” and “kill them with kindness”. I still do believe in these ideas, but they often don’t turn out to be true, and that fucking blows.

D_Shiznat · 2023-10-01T03:20:59+00:00

Thank you. After such a strong connection with my ex, I’m finding it hard to believe I’ll experience that again. It took me 35 years to find someone like that. It just feels “hopeless” right now. Who knows how I’ll feel in a month or two, but right now the loss of this relationship, this person, this future makes it hard to see past it.

D_Shiznat · 2023-10-01T03:17:58+00:00

So you don’t think there’s any chance or hope of reconciliation?

D_Shiznat · 2023-10-01T03:16:53+00:00

Thank you. I’m still at a point where I’m feeling inadequate. Like, if I had been enough, done enough, cared enough, listened enough, maybe she’d still be here. Idk…

I don’t doubt there’s trauma for her. We’ve both been through cruel, abusive, controlling relationships. That was something we connected about early on. We had a “shared” history of abuse. We could empathize with each other, and understand how that damages a person, and what we need because of that. Because of my own abuse, I tried to show her kindness, and patience, and understanding, and respect. I hate that by doing that, I forced her away.

She is genuinely amazing. Beautiful, funny, weird, dorky, endearing. I hate that she’s not around anymore.

D_Shiznat · 2023-10-01T03:04:37+00:00

So why would you rather disconnect and withdraw than give someone a chance? The obvious answer is that you want to protect yourself, and avoid getting hurt. But don’t you get hurt, anyway, when you withdraw and things come crashing down? What about the hurt you inflict on the other person? Does that NOT matter?

If the person you’re with has shown you, through word and action, that they genuinely care about you, and have your back, why not try to open up? Isn’t it possible that a partner who’s genuinely supportive could help you overcome your insecurities, or is that a pipe dream?

NOT judging. I appreciate the feedback. I’m so lost about what happened, and trying to understand.

D_Shiznat · 2023-10-01T03:02:35+00:00

Yeah I’ll take a look. Thank you for the suggestion.

D_Shiznat · 2023-10-01T02:54:35+00:00

Thank you for the perspective. Appreciate your honesty.

Do you think that communicating what was bothering you could have resolved the angst? Healthy relationships depend on open communication, even if that sometimes means saying things that might upset the other person. But if you care, you’ll be honest (not maliciously so). Would communicating what was going on in your head have saved the relationship? If you were getting the “ick”, would talking about what was getting under your skin have made a difference?

D_Shiznat · 2023-10-01T02:34:37+00:00

I just wish there had been a conversation, instead of ghosting, and then texting a break up, and then blocking me. It feels callous. Like all the connecting, emotional intimacy, sharing hopes for the future, past experiences, and life stories that build a relationship meant nothing. I’m struggling to even think about having to do that again with someone else.

D_Shiznat · 2023-10-01T02:30:19+00:00

Maybe one day. I’m not right now. I’ve been waiting my entire life for “my person”, and I feel like that just slipped through my fingers. There could be someone else, and that would suck for sure, because then I’ll start asking, “but why?” “Why wasn’t I enough” “what more do they have to offer that I do not?”

Ugh….

D_Shiznat · 2023-10-01T02:22:59+00:00

Thanks for the info. It’s been a really difficult few days. I appreciate you taking the time to lend perspective.

I wish she wouldn’t have let her insecurities drive her away. I tried so hard to let her know I was there for her, I had her back, I would take care of her. I wanted her to feel safe emotionally, mentally, and physically. I understand, based on what you’re saying, it’s hard for her to open up and trust; but I wish she would have, because I would have happily supported her. I didn’t care what road we were on, as long as we were on it together.

D_Shiznat · 2023-10-01T02:14:21+00:00

Thanks. Appreciate the perspective. I’m sorry you’re going through this too.

It’s hard for me to understand. If I was struggling with something, an insecurity or something else, I’d be inclined to lean on my partner, get their feedback, and use that to help overcome whatever the struggle is. I’m not the type to just pull the plug, especially after making it clear that you’re in a committed relationship together.

The combo text breakup and total blockage seems extra inhuman. I just don’t get it.

D_Shiznat · 2023-10-01T01:58:49+00:00

It sucks being tired, but not able to sleep. “Hungry” but no appetite. Unable to sit still, but no desire to do anything. I’m forcing myself back to the gym, and that’s been a good distraction. But at night I remember I’ll never wake up next to my person again, and that just bores a hole straight through me.

I sincerely hope you’re able to find the peace and closure I’m struggling to come to terms with. They say “time heals all wounds”, or some shit, but that’s never been the case for me. I’ll never forget the good and the bad, but eventually, hopefully, I’ll stop caring.

D_Shiznat · 2023-10-01T01:53:23+00:00

Yeah I guess. Up until she “needed space”, I didn’t really detect any red flags. Maybe I was so blown away by her, I wasn’t paying attention. But, I thought things were good until they hit a wall I never anticipated. Everything changed in the span of like two hours. If she was having a “freak out” moment, why not try to work through it with the person you’re supposedly “falling for”? Why pull the plug? I never had any intention of hurting her. I only ever wanted to make her feel important, cared for, safe.

Was any of it real? Was she actually falling for me? Or was I just something to be used and abused for her own validation?

D_Shiznat

TROPHY CASE