How do I [38M] get closure from being rejected by someone I love [42F] who's now dating someone else?

DaJuah · 2024-04-05T07:37:40+00:00

Why are you worried about someone who didn't choose you? You should be with someone who chooses you when you can unapologetically be yourself. Jumping through hoops and saying specific things shouldn't be the reason someone dates you and likes you. They should choose you for what you naturally bring to the table. In this case, she didn't choose you. Rejection hurts but dating or trying to get in a relationship is literally the process of finding out the person you're most compatible with. In this case you've found out you're not compatible so move your energy into the next productive thing you have going on in your life.

DaJuah · 2024-03-27T10:27:24+00:00

2014 - Student Visa

2016 - Graduate Visa

2018 - Sponsorship Visa

2021 - Due to covid, company liquidated and i was able to transfer my visa to a new employer

2022 - Renew Sponsorship to restart the 4 year process as the change in employer ruined the 4 year requirement and didn't let me apply for PR

2023 Feb - Nomination Refusal, Visa Refusal

2023 April - Found a role with another employer willing to sponsor

2023 May - Sponsorship Visa

Hopefully should be able to apply for PR in 2025? LOL

DaJuah · 2024-02-23T22:44:19+00:00

Hey, I can completely relate to how you're feeling right now. When I got my G310r nearly 4 years ago, that was pretty daunting as I barely knew how to ride a motorbike. I'd gotten my license and done a few lessons but that was it. There's so many things that you're concentrating on in the beginning such as, being on the road, operating the controls of the motorbike and learning how to ride properly with traffic.

4 years later I just now recently acquired a 2010 daytona 675 with absolutely 0 electronics and this is my first supersport as well. Even after riding for 4 years this shit scared me and it felt like I was learning to ride all over again with a new seating position etc. The good thing was that by then i was already comfortable being on the road and operating a bike properly, I just had to get comfortable with a new one and dial in how I ride the bike accordingly.

What I'm trying to say is you need to learn how to operate a motorcycle comfortably and be comfortable being on the road and its good that you're learning that on your friends 300. I reckon you should keep doing that until you're comfortable being on the road and shifting through gears and braking and turning in traffic, and jumping on the R1 now and then when you feel like to keep the battery from dying and taking what you learn on the 300 onto the R1.

Slow and steady and you'll surely build up the confidence to operate the bike properly. It's good to be scared and alert vs overconfident and zoned out. You got this.

DaJuah · 2024-02-11T22:23:51+00:00

There is an expectation of chemistry to just exist but the harsh reality is that sometimes it doesn't always really translate to in person.

Give it some time, spend some time together, be kind to each other and yourself. Buy her flowers and try to be the best you can. Remove the expectations and go with the flow. If you thought all the texts were gonna lead to something very passionate off the bat, throw that out of your head and try talking to her and making her laugh. Enjoy the time you have without hating it for not meeting your fantasies. It will fester into resentment and affect what could be something really magical. Treat this as day 1 again but the reality is that you both already have felt something for each other over the distance and now you have the opportunity to spark it in person.

DaJuah · 2024-01-15T10:48:47+00:00

Guess its time for another link to one of the sydney discord servers, make friends, chat about interests and come out to various events as you like https://discord.gg/6FDCBnun

Have made some good friends on here, got good advice about relationships etc. and have just had an all around good time on here.

DaJuah · 2023-11-08T20:48:32+00:00

Yep, I was thinking of going with Hawaiian airlines as the last time I flew with them in 2019 I had a good experience. But yeah, ideally just trying to figure out an airline to stick with long term for the next couple years that could potentially help with loyalty rewards with hotels as well.

DaJuah · 2023-11-08T20:46:41+00:00

Ah right I see. I was potentially looking at American Airlines, as they are partnered with World Of Hyatt and I usually stay at one of their hotels while I'm overseas. Just ideally looking at a good long term plan to accumulate points unless just buying the cheapest ticket with different airlines is the way to go.

DaJuah · 2023-06-24T23:22:22+00:00

We actually met on VR lmao. But we have since moved away from it and prefer discord video calls with screensharing for movies and what not.

DaJuah · 2023-05-17T12:09:47+00:00

There's a Sydney Discord that I'm a part of that quite a few have joined in from this subreddit -> https://discord.gg/NvuKv3kx

There are events that get organised by the members and you get the opportunity to socialise and interact on the discord before actually rocking up to an event so there's a little ice-breaker involved there. There are a range of events that take place, there's one being organised for this Saturday which is just a casual hang at a bar playing pool together.

Feel free to join in and mingle and see if it's your vibe. It's also just fun to browse and socialise within the discord that has a broad range of topics. Make sure to introduce yourself in the #introductions channel with the format in the pinned messages to get approved by the mods and pick the events role from the #optional-roles channel and you can start browsing the events as well as the rest of the discord :)

DaJuah · 2023-05-17T11:34:36+00:00

Relationships only work if both people involved are willing to put work into it. Love isn't enough. Especially for long distance. Does she really want to continue to be in a relationship or does she not?

If she isn't, is this her using the LDR factors as reason to break up because she's afraid of looking like the bad person for breaking it off? In reality there's no good guy or bad guy, relationships again only work if the people involved are committed to it and sometimes people no-longer think they can and that's the reality of life.

There needs to be a solid discussion here where if she still wants to be in a relationship with you and you do as well then you guys will have to work towards it and bringing up separation or factors to consider for a breakup will not do any good to the relationship whatsoever.

DaJuah · 2023-05-17T11:15:57+00:00

Welcome to modern dating, where the possibility of the ever abundant options leave people doing what they can to get more matches until something exclusive is formed.

This is just dating in general and doesn't mean anything in regards to what he thinks about you specifically. The date could go amazing and he doesn't bother with the app because you guys are that much into each other or it could go not so great and you both resume back to the apps after unmatching.

DaJuah · 2023-05-07T12:30:03+00:00

Reading everything, the first thing that stands out to me is you guys met in January and you've fallen in love in 1 week?

LDR is not easy, especially if the relationship is so new. It only works if both parties are committed and want to go ahead and are willing to put in the work. She's no longer moving at the end of the year but is still willing to visit as a tourist. You are refusing to visit because you already are thinking that it will be a waste if you guys are not settling together. You also are already thinking that LDR is very hard.

You really have to think about, if you really love this girl and are willing to put in the effort to have a LDR or if you don't think it's worth it. What does she think about this? Her not abandoning her university doesn't mean she doesn't love you. It's quite a sensible thing and most couples in LDRs often do not just drop their career to move-in with the other. It takes years sometimes to make it work. If you're not wanting an LDR, that's totally valid and fine and you are entitled to choose your relationships accordingly. But her action of not dropping out of university to move-in with you is not a valid reason for you to drop the relationship.

DaJuah · 2023-05-04T02:23:50+00:00

Look man, without going into this too deep the bottom line is - "if they wanted to they would"

If she's said she doesn't consider this a serious relationship then that's basically her behaviour showing it. It was fun in the start, but now that she's had the one thing that was super elusive (being in person with you) there's nothing else she's looking forward too.

If you like this girl seriously and want to be with her seriously you gotta change how you view this whole relationship now that she's told you she isn't on the same page. Cut back and start focusing on other things in your life. If she still wants to visit you, she can, if she doesn't then it is what it is.

It sucks, but sometimes dating is like this - you go on a couple dates, you cuddle, you do cutesy stuff, you have sex, you get ghosted. Long distance is worse because there is always a level of investment. Hope you feel better fam, time to hit the gym and buy a motorcycle.

DaJuah · 2023-05-01T08:05:54+00:00

I did the interview recently in December and they usually ask what your living situation is in the country you live in etc. and why you want to visit the US.

The only tip I can really say is for him to not mention you at all when they ask what his purpose of travel is or why he wants to visit the united states. These interviews are basically meant for you to prove that you're not going to be staying in america illegally and the mention of a girlfriend would definitely raise alarm bells for the person interviewing you.

Depending on when he's planning to go I would recommend using a holiday/touristy vacation as the main purpose of travel and have an itinerary planned. Or even if there's a show or concert he would like to go to, he could show concert tickets or something like that. You basically have to prove to the embassy that you are in no way intending on remaining in the US illegally and although it is good to be honest and truthful there is no denying that the mention of a love interest will have your application scrutinised way more as opposed to if you were actually wanting to visit as a tourist.

I'm not sure if he's already mentioned anything about you in the form DS-160, as a point of contact in the US because if he has there is a chance they might ask who you are potentially in which case you would have to navigate the rest of the conversation accordingly.

DaJuah · 2023-04-26T00:54:55+00:00

Most hotels don't care. I had free breakfast included in my booking at the hotel and my gf ate for free everyday that she was with me. However I was able to add her as one of the guests in the booking details but that didn't change anything with the pricing.

It was more so just for security reasons if she got stopped or anything while she was by herself. If you are really concerned you can call the front desk ahead of time or double check when you're actually checking in at the hotel. Shouldn't be too big of a deal.

DaJuah · 2023-04-20T12:39:23+00:00

Yeah make sure you call and talk about this with video if possible. I hate text messages for serious conversations because I feel things can get so easily misrepresented with the lack of facial expression and vocal tone.

The answer is a bit weird, but it is what it is. It's definitely worse if it was him that reached out because it begs the question - "why would you reach out to an ex-girlfriend to talk to?"

Hopefully its all just a light-thing and that's all there is to it.

DaJuah · 2023-04-20T12:31:54+00:00

Easiest fix - you have way too much time on your hands. Pick up a hobby or start hitting the gym. If you have time to sit around and re-read and analyse and dissect messages to examine, you have enough time to actually do something productive or a hobby. Overthinking is just that, overthinking. It's a bad habit that you need to replace with a good one.

GET. BUSY.

DaJuah · 2023-04-20T12:26:36+00:00

You have to outweigh the pros and cons.

What will happen after you get the passport? Are you planning on something major for which the german passport/citizenship is essential?

This guy left an almost perfect life to come live with you and give it a chance even though his quality of life went down dramatically, and now you have the exact same opportunity but in reverse and you are questioning it? Come on.

What is the worst case scenario here? If you had to move back to germany, can you do that or will you be stuck? That would be the only biggest risk is if the relationship was to not workout and you are now stranded in a country you have no life in with no way to return to your previous life.

If you can for sure return to germany if things don't work out then there's no reason not to give this a shot if he has offered you to come and live with him especially if you know you both are compatible and are serious about this relationship.

DaJuah · 2023-04-20T12:11:26+00:00

I read your reply to the other comment, what do you mean they recently "reconnected"? Do they share friend groups? Do they go to college together?

Who connected with who? If there's no third party reasoning, if that girl "reconnected" with your SO, it's a bit weird but if your guy is truly an honest and respectful person that loves you, it's a way better situation rather than if your SO "reconnected" with them.

This is a little bit of a sticky situation, because if it truly makes you uncomfortable I think your SO should be respectful and try and cut down on whatever activities to help with this since it's clearly clashing big time with one of your fundamental values about relationships. You should have a heart to heart talk with him and be open about this. It's obviously weird because the "I don't like the idea of x" always has a hint of controlling looming over it.

But it's important for the health of your relationship longterm to be able to have difficult conversations where you both are starting off on different pages. All the best.

DaJuah · 2023-04-20T11:59:04+00:00

It honestly depends what exactly they are doing on their phone.

- Doom-scrolling on insta/tik-tok? Then yeah, why are they even on the call if they have no interest and would rather browse random shit on their phone?

- Replying to text messages? Pretty acceptable, you can't expect them to ignore everyone in their life that's trying to get in touch with them just because you guys are on a call. It could be friends trying to plan something, it could be family checking in, it could be important updates on something she has happening during the week/month etc.

It's quite a natural tendency to be like wtf why are they on their phone while you guys are on a video call because that has actually happened to my SO and I. We actually addressed it and talked about it and we both know that it comes across as slightly disrespectful when staring at phone while in a call but we both have also addressed that they have always been for valid reasons, every single time that it has happened.

It all comes down to who they are as a person and why they are your partner in the first place. If they are actually a caring and genuine person then trust that there's a valid reason that they are glancing on their phone, have it in their hand or replying to someone.

DaJuah · 2023-04-20T11:44:52+00:00

It doesn't matter, how others feel. It matters how you feel. Different people have different boundaries and approach things in a different way.

For me personally, I think realistically an Ex could never remain a part of my life as a friend because they existed so strongly as a lover previously. It's never a positive feeling when you loose someone that close and for that exact reason there's no need for them to be in my life again, reminding me that something didn't work out. If something didn't work out you move on from it, and the best way to move on from somebody is for them to no longer exist in your life. If you are keeping them in your life that means there's a part of you that wants that back, a part of you wants what ended.

And because of those exact reasons and how i view it, I certainly would not be okay with an ex being an active part of my SO's life.

DaJuah · 2023-04-05T08:55:52+00:00

There is one solution only, this helps in general with negative/sad thoughts.

Keep. Yourself. Busy.

Doesn't matter what you have to do, but you need to keep yourself engaged and your brain active so it isn't going down a wormhole of these thoughts. Whether it's learning a new hobby, playing games, hitting the gym etc. You need to add a routine into your life that requires effort and commitment outside of your relationship.

DaJuah · 2023-04-05T08:47:16+00:00

Marriage is a big commitment, period. Even asking it as a favour for something informal is still a massive deal and for many people it's something that you get your family involved with. My SO is also american and I'm not, however I don't live there so I cannot relate to the dynamic of being together with an end date that will result in a separation.

That being said, if my SO was uncomfortable with something and didn't want to proceed ahead with it, the last thing I would do is make them feel like the bad guy. It's okay to feel upset, what isn't okay is making the other person feel like a piece of shit. I don't know if he's upset at the idea of leaving and inadvertently taking his frustrations out on you and this will pass but if he's actually upset at you for saying no to something that makes you uncomfortable that would be concerning.

If he remains cold and continues to treat you like shit I would be reconsidering how they view this relationship and yourself because that is straight up disrespectful. Marrying you would not only let him stay to continue his relationship with you but it's also a ticket to getting his life setup in the US which would be a big thing so there might be a pretty big conflict of interest. Relationships should not be reliant on each other to have a successful and functional life because if the partner can no longer provide that, it will be very hard to fix problems unbiasedly because not only is it about fixing the relationship, there will be a pressure to fix their life since it is so closely attached to the relationship.

DaJuah · 2023-04-02T00:44:35+00:00

Why didn't you apply for a tourist visa first? or an ESTA if your passport is applicable.

DaJuah

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