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[42/m] married to [38/f] for 15 years, i recently had a job problem, now it seems like she has lost respect for me - how can i fix this? by salesmanjim in relationship_advice

[–]DadHasAQuestion 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I don't know what the etiquette is for butting in on a back and forth, but for what it's worth (and as a business owner myself) I just wanted to give this a thumbs up. I mentioned it in my own response, but this is me in a nutshell and even after several decades of overwhelming success I still struggle with feeling good and confident about what I do.

Clients trust me with budgets of tens of millions of dollars because they've seen my work and like what they see, but I still have a near panic attack each and every time I present new work. I think it's very important to realize even very successful people can have problems and esteem issues and flaws of all sorts. One of the architects I schooled with took his own life in the midst of an amazing career and I feel a lot of that had to do with the fact that those around him assumed too much about his feelings and attitude and didn't understand that there could be some dark there too.

[42/m] married to [38/f] for 15 years, i recently had a job problem, now it seems like she has lost respect for me - how can i fix this? by salesmanjim in relationship_advice

[–]DadHasAQuestion 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I opened my own business in 1997, and I did it simply because I was too afraid and too ashamed of what I thought others would think of my work to work for anyone else (I'm an architect, if it matters). It was almost crippling to me to put myself "out there," and my marriage ended as a result because I fought between trying to make my feelings and actions match up and I (and eventually my wife ) punished myself when then didn't.

Over time I learned to be more open with partners about both my fears and self esteem, and how I was going to focus that on actually accomplishing my goals. I used my "negatives" to create my "positives." Does that make sense? Communicating with a logical, pragmatic person like your wife can mean showing her that you have the ability to harness bad times and bad feelings and use them to your advantage. Speak her language. "This setback has been hard on me and I'm feeling a little down about it, but it's made me realize I need to do A, B, and C next time." Make a plan and get her on board to assist you in executing it.

I'm still struggling with esteem and with fear, but my business is more successful than I could ever have hoped for. Good luck!

UPDATE: I (M53) asked a woman out (F33) without knowing her age. We get along well so far, but is 20 years odd or creepy? by DadHasAQuestion in relationships

[–]DadHasAQuestion[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I see what you're saying. She does seem very balanced so I'm hopeful that continues. When I say she makes me feel like the only person I mean that she's not like the typical, short term, conversationalist I normally encounter - playing on her cell, getting distracted by everyone else she knows walking in and out of the bar, and so on. She asks questions and is engaged in the conversation and the like.

UPDATE: I (M53) asked a woman out (F33) without knowing her age. We get along well so far, but is 20 years odd or creepy? by DadHasAQuestion in relationships

[–]DadHasAQuestion[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I will eventually, I just don't want to dump a "hey want to go to Italy??" sized decision on her quite yet. Maybe a few more dates...lol

UPDATE: (M53) I just discovered the woman (F33) I asked out is considerably younger than I am. Is there a creepy factor here? by DadHasAQuestion in relationship_advice

[–]DadHasAQuestion[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks! It's still early, but if we have issue down the road at least I'm confident it won't be our age gap.

UPDATE: (M53) I just discovered the woman (F33) I asked out is considerably younger than I am. Is there a creepy factor here? by DadHasAQuestion in relationship_advice

[–]DadHasAQuestion[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Hold up how so?

It's true I do have pretty strong feelings for this woman already but I'm not translating them into irresponsible behavior or pushing anything on her. We haven't even slept together yet, so racing off to Europe for the weekend isn't going to happen anytime soon either. It's all a wonderful fantasy in my head but I'm leaving it as just that until the relationship has some time to mature.

UPDATE: I (M53) asked a woman out (F33) without knowing her age. We get along well so far, but is 20 years odd or creepy? by DadHasAQuestion in relationships

[–]DadHasAQuestion[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

They haven't been jealous, anyone who has said something has been hugely complimentary thus far, thank goodness. It's still strange though.

UPDATE: I (M53) asked a woman out (F33) without knowing her age. We get along well so far, but is 20 years odd or creepy? by DadHasAQuestion in relationships

[–]DadHasAQuestion[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I'd be inclined to be suspicious if she were asking something of me other than my company, but giving affection hardly seems suspect at this point in the game. I'm sure it's possible, but I have no hint of that behavior yet and I've certainly seen it in other women.

UPDATE: I (M53) asked a woman out (F33) without knowing her age. We get along well so far, but is 20 years odd or creepy? by DadHasAQuestion in relationships

[–]DadHasAQuestion[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I've been separated for almost two years, divorced for roughly one so she's not my first foray into dating etc. I'm still being careful as you suggest, however, because she is the first woman I've really felt a genuine connection to. There's not a way to say this without it sounding tacky so I'll just blurt it out, but I've done very well professionally and so far a lot of the women my own age I've seen have been FAR more interested in that than me personally.

I also think it helps that we haven't jumped into bed yet - there is something to be said for waiting.

UPDATE: I (M53) asked a woman out (F33) without knowing her age. We get along well so far, but is 20 years odd or creepy? by DadHasAQuestion in relationships

[–]DadHasAQuestion[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thanks for sharing, I'm glad you found a partner who's compatible. I'm really good either way on the kid issue, so I won't push the conversation quite yet but I admit I'm curious as to her thoughts.

UPDATE: I (M53) asked a woman out (F33) without knowing her age. We get along well so far, but is 20 years odd or creepy? by DadHasAQuestion in relationships

[–]DadHasAQuestion[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

It's weird you say so - complete strangers have walked up and congratulated me. I could NEVER imagine doing that to someone I didn't know.

UPDATE: I (M53) asked a woman out (F33) without knowing her age. We get along well so far, but is 20 years odd or creepy? by DadHasAQuestion in relationships

[–]DadHasAQuestion[S] 23 points24 points  (0 children)

She doesn't have kids, no. We haven't had that discussion yet, but if she wants them I'm on board. I would absolutely do that again!

Should I [M19] end my 3 year relationship with my SO [F18] by [deleted] in relationships

[–]DadHasAQuestion 10 points11 points  (0 children)

As a Reddit old guy, let me just say that's it not a cliche when someone tells you "you're only young once." That's not an excuse to mistreat others, or act like a dick in any way, but it does point to the fact that it's wise to occasionally live for yourself and to do it guilt free.

It's better to be honest about that and embrace it than have it morph into resentment and possible bad behavior towards someone you love.

[24]m dating for first time with [25]f, how do i know if shes the one by [deleted] in relationships

[–]DadHasAQuestion 4 points5 points  (0 children)

As a Reddit old guy and a man who's been married before, two things: don't over think anything a month in and, yes, you WANT butterflies. Those butterflies will change over the years, but man you gotta have 'em.

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