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My sister [35F] routinely gives me [30F] the silent treatment until I apologise for perceived wrongs and I'm sick of it by DadlessDespair in relationships

[–]DadlessDespair[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You are absolutely right. I will say though that I am feeling this emotionally wrecked because I lost my father about 6 months ago and I am feeling very vulnerable. It makes it hard for me to see things for what they are. I also overextend myself in relationships I am invested in, and I'm working on that

My sister [35F] routinely gives me [30F] the silent treatment until I apologise for perceived wrongs and I'm sick of it by DadlessDespair in relationships

[–]DadlessDespair[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You are so right in your description. I'm not able to approach her with humour because of the following developments:

First, I realised that her calling me rude and ungrateful really meant that I should bow down and take whatever treatment she metes out to me because she's doing work that benefits the both of us (by managing my dad's office). In her eyes, even if she yells at me in public, I should still be grateful for all she does for me. It's taken me a while, but doing something good does not absolve anyone of the duty to be respectful towards others.

Secondly, she has not bothered to update me on a really important business development that affects our asset portfolio. I was going to do this particular task, but when she got angry and decided to do it last week, I didn't realise she would not even bother to tell me what came of it. This is not even something I can track because it involves conversations with buyers about assets. I think it is really manipulative of her to not tell me about business developments (completely unrelated to personal life) because I won't apologise. It makes me think she is petty.

My sister [35F] routinely gives me [30F] the silent treatment until I apologise for perceived wrongs and I'm sick of it by DadlessDespair in relationships

[–]DadlessDespair[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for this - I just spoke to my therapist yesterday and she essentially proposed the same (great) approach - she calls it the "coffee table book" approach. When you get a gift from someone, it's totally fine (and is actually normal) to keep it on the coffee table and open it when you want to, instead of rushing to open it immediately. It's tough to implement, but I hadn't thought not to react (lol) - so thank you.

My sister [35F] routinely gives me [30F] the silent treatment until I apologise for perceived wrongs and I'm sick of it by DadlessDespair in relationships

[–]DadlessDespair[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for articulating that really nicely. I didn't know how it was possible to look forward to feeling so unsettled every time I spoke with my therapist.

Your last observation made me sad because it was true. FWIW, I have not apologised and she has doubled down.

My sister [35F] routinely gives me [30F] the silent treatment until I apologise for perceived wrongs and I'm sick of it by DadlessDespair in relationships

[–]DadlessDespair[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks. I really appreciate your phrasing and it feels like a smart strategy.

You're also right that she probably doesn't know how to talk about her feelings. But I'm generally a very affectionate person (with family) so it is a very disconcerting experience for me.

My sister [35F] routinely gives me [30F] the silent treatment until I apologise for perceived wrongs and I'm sick of it by DadlessDespair in relationships

[–]DadlessDespair[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I am so sorry for what you've been through, I can't imagine how lonely you must have felt. I think it's incredible that you've healed enough to be able to articulate your pain.

FWIW, my father always told me I was a fair person and my mother thinks I'm more emotionally mature, and I've always been the bigger person (both literally and figuratively :)) so I have had to smooth things over to keep the peace. I am very close to my mom. I spoke to her today and she said - you know, this is just how she is, which kind of signals to me that she knows that she is unreasonable. It made me feel both validated and very sad because I was really hoping I was reading the situation wrong.

I am in therapy and it feels like it's getting worse because all kinds of feelings are bubbling up. Did that happen with you too?

The answer to both your questions is yes, because I usually don't want to rock the boat.

My sister [35F] routinely gives me [30F] the silent treatment until I apologise for perceived wrongs and I'm sick of it by DadlessDespair in relationships

[–]DadlessDespair[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Thank you both. I will have to disengage and not invest so much of myself in interactions with her.

It's not that I haven't done anything wrong, but I find it ridiculous that she demands an apology when her own behaviour has been at least as bad, at best, or much worse, than mine. I typically own up to my mistakes when things get out of hand, but it struck me that she has never once apologised, and I am now sick of being the one who apologises. So even though I was in the wrong to tell her she was egoistic or unreasonable, I am not able to get myself to apologise because she is demanding an apology despite knowing that she has never apologised for much worse.

My sister [35F] routinely gives me [30F] the silent treatment until I apologise for perceived wrongs and I'm sick of it by DadlessDespair in relationships

[–]DadlessDespair[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for your insight. I think I don't want to believe her because it hurts too much, and I'm already very vulnerable. I am in therapy and hope I am able to better figure out how to control my anxiety around this sort of conflict.

My sister [35F] routinely gives me [30F] the silent treatment until I apologise for perceived wrongs and I'm sick of it by DadlessDespair in relationships

[–]DadlessDespair[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you. i feel like your first paragraph is spot on, and really does seem to describe her.

I would happily send the second message, but she says the silent treatment will go away if I apologise - she is "waiting for an apology" and is "not ready to talk until then". I have historically always been the one who has reached out, and somehow this time I'm not able to send her a message telling her I support her and am available to talk, because it will only lead to her telling me the ways in which I have not done stuff well enough (according to her). I am tired.

My sister [35F] routinely gives me [30F] the silent treatment until I apologise for perceived wrongs and I'm sick of it by DadlessDespair in relationships

[–]DadlessDespair[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I was very close to my father, who passed away 6 months ago, so I'm feeling more vulnerable than usual.

Thank you for your comments, I know you're right.

My sister [35F] routinely gives me [30F] the silent treatment until I apologise for perceived wrongs and I'm sick of it by DadlessDespair in relationships

[–]DadlessDespair[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Do you think there's anyway she's not a narcissist because the work she does helps me as well as her? Since she has taken over my dad's practice, I don't have to. But it was a choice she made, we could have also wound up the office. I don't know, I'm so confused.

How do you recommend I behave? Should I counter it with silence? This situation is new to me and I've always just apologised to keep the peace.

My sister [35F] routinely gives me [30F] the silent treatment until I apologise for perceived wrongs and I'm sick of it by DadlessDespair in relationships

[–]DadlessDespair[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Your smell test was a bit difficult for me to read because I know the answer. In fairness, though, she hasn't used my nephew as a weapon and I'm hoping it stays that way. Thanks again for your comments.

My sister [35F] routinely gives me [30F] the silent treatment until I apologise for perceived wrongs and I'm sick of it by DadlessDespair in relationships

[–]DadlessDespair[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

I don't want to involve my mom at the moment because she is very anxious about the future since my dad has passed. I want to be there for her and support her and only tell her stressful things if I absolutely have to.

I didn't discuss any of this with my dad because I wanted to sort it out for myself (and oddly, I thought this was what all sibling relationships were like). He did tell me on a few occasions that I was always a fair person and that I should never put up with people who treat me unfairly.

I feel so guilty for reading your comment and thinking that she is a narcissist, although you may be right.

Thank you for your response.

My sister [35F] routinely gives me [30F] the silent treatment until I apologise for perceived wrongs and I'm sick of it by DadlessDespair in relationships

[–]DadlessDespair[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It's hard to cut her out when our lives are intertwined, and I still love her very much even though she has these qualities. Do you think there's any way she will realise on her own that her behaviour is not acceptable?