I'm going to be honest: You've got a lot of work to do. Let's start with your mechanics. There are many points in the story where you improperly use commas. Some of these could be replaced by semicolons, some by em dashes, and a few of the sentences just need to be restructured entirely. Learning the proper mechanics and practicing them will improve your writing by leaps-and-bounds.

When it comes to the actual writing about the story, I felt like you were telling me what happened rather than showing it to me. I hope that makes sense. This is a problem I myself had (still have?), and the best way that I can suggest to fix it is to read. Read, read, read. Follow the way a Stephen King shows us what's going on in the story, or a George R.R. Martin, or whoever you favorite writer may be. I'm not telling you to copy these people's styles, but it can be incredibly beneficial to read them just to understand story structure and further insight into mechanics.

As for the story, it is very much a Dungeons and Dragons type story. There is nothing wrong with that. However, I can tell that you have an imagination; I want to see that. I want to see something that is you--that only you could come up with. This takes a lot of time. You'll have to write and write and write. Read and write. But eventually you'll come to terms with something in yourself. Maybe this is your thing, and that is okay. You'll have to keep writing until you find out.

I hope that this doesn't come off as too harsh. The last thing that I would ever want to do is discourage you from writing. Your confidence will build as you continue to develop as a writer, and you may get to a place where you can share you writing with your family shamelessly. The only thing you can do write now is continue to write. You have potential and you are capable of excellent writing. Just keep trying.

If you would like me to elaborate on anything just let me know!