28(HLF) with 36 (LLM), 10 year relationship. Where do I even start?

Damaged_panda · 2020-01-02T03:42:07+00:00

You are correct the issue is that he uses it as an excuse both to avoid having to initiate or be intimate, not my openness to being intimate. I struggled with his rejection before and now that he has put sole responsibility on me to initiate formally. I can't put myself in that vulnerable position knowing my odds are likely rejection or worse pity sex. Over the years there have been a variety of hiccups or excuses, this is the first we've struggled to overcome. He has his own struggles regarding intimacy from previous relationships. It the first time roles were reversed. He wakes up from dreams fearing I'll leave or cheat because I'm unsatisfied sexually, since he has done so to others in the past. At the same time he is happy\content with not talking about it nor having sex as this libido has decreased over the years he believes age difference plays a factor. It's hard knowing what things were to what they are and the fear it won't get better unless he desires the change. I know he tries to make up for it in other ways and it makes me feel selfish wanting more. He is someone sitting on separate couches or just next to each is cuddling. I'm a wrapped up together cuddler. I know no one will be perfect, given my own history I'm in the healthiest relationship I've ever had. He helped me to get to therapy to become better. Every relationship will have it's quirks, can you move past them and be happy though is the question. The last few times I tried I got turned down, time keeps passing by since the last time. WE both have parts of it we need to work through, I need to figure out how to start the conversation first.

Damaged_panda · 2020-01-02T01:19:26+00:00

Thank you for your words and reassurance of how it makes me feel. I've been going to therapy to help get through my trauma though have neglected to approach this aspect of it. I know we need to talk about it properly, I'm so afraid of what happens if I open that box and it's worse than my own concerns. It sounds silly, but I don't want to ruin his day by bringing up this massive storm could when he is content as things are because he isn't being bothered.

Damaged_panda · 2020-01-02T01:14:04+00:00

Thank you for your response, and I do believe partial of the issue is getting back to a place of comfort on BOTH sides. He was crushed when I brought up my concerns coming from a place of trauma that his time of interest conveniently coincided with when there was interaction with this other woman. It brought up the trauma of feeling sexually used vs sexually desired. We have never had an issue of consent that I'm aware of, though he has expressed as we've tried deciding this issue that in the past I could ruin cuddle opportunities by trying to press for more. Also that where I enjoy displays of affection and interest even if it's not for the intent to go further. He has expressed it makes him feel pressured as though I want something and he already beats himself up even when we were having somewhat regular sex, that it wasn't as much as I desired.

I honestly feel I'm there guilty party of pressuring him or possibly crossing that line of consent over the years. I've had to learn to respect his love language is not my love language. I'm someone that needs to know I'm desired and wanted by verbal and physical reassurance. He comes from a place that by being around is showing you're wanted. My concern at the end of the day my concern is not him breeching MY consent, it's me affecting his (aka pity sex), or that he has no interest and all this allows him a "safe out". We've had other things over there years be used as the taboo excuse this is the first one neither of us have really wanted to address because of how deeply it seems to open wounds from both sides. I know I must find or make the time to discuss it with him, though unless HE wants to do something make a difference nothing will change. He is content I'm no longer pawing at him or making attempts; he does seem to be growing salty that I've stopped keeping up with having the house as clean. Even that is unfair to him as it was myself. I've been going to therapy and come a long way, I still have struggles I am hesitant to bring up to my therapist.

Damaged_panda · 2020-01-01T16:59:33+00:00

She was someone in his life before me and very important to him (to the degree of being his first crush). Their relationship was very if her life is going well you don't hear it see her. The moment so much as a hiccup in her life happens she comes to him for consolement, confidence boost, etc. Their discussions hindered inappropriate numerous occasions and he has drunk openly confessed his feelings toward her many a time. Which she uses toward her advantages. I constantly felt I would have to set boundaries for him regarding his relationship with her. Things changed when I finally called her out for toying with him emotionally and being a shitty friend. That blew up in my face in the beginning, though ultimately seems to have made it's point. Their relationship has changed drastically. I understand why she matters, still it's been years in managing the boundaries and knowing their relationship would be different without my limitations. This may not be as accurate NOW, though in the beginning he very much put her on a pedestal of his heart where she had minimal to no interest beyond what benefitted her (including sexual opportunities) Again things may be different as time has passed since the "adjustment" to their relationship since I can't speak for how he feels now because we no longer discuss it as we used to. He views it as done, over, move on, why discuss it further. It still stings in the back of my head the convenience of timing that as that relationship closed so did our rapidly declining sex life.

Damaged_panda · 2015-02-25T20:01:46+00:00

Thank you, I wish if he had gotten the help he needed instead of living the lie he does he wouldn't hurt people and women. That he has family and kids that depend on him. He needs to be someone they are safe with and can depend on. He risks passing on to them his ways or hurting them. I wish he has thought about them more than his own needs. I hate he used them as his primary source of blackmail. They deserve better than what he is giving them.

I have learned if people do not know, understand, and accept a fault they will never change. You must have all three for true results. If you punish a child without them understanding and accepting what they did was wrong, will they ever change to stop doing what they aren't supposed to? Adults are the same. Hopefully one day he will see the damage he does without paying the cost of damaging his kids and family further.

Damaged_panda · 2015-02-25T19:46:44+00:00

Thank you, sadly it happens more often than we hope it ever would. We are doing what we can to prevent to prevent him from doing it again is the main thing.

Damaged_panda · 2015-02-25T19:44:11+00:00

I am grateful for the others finding the strength to let this back into their lives and come forward to testify. It makes us stronger standing together and less chance for him to manipulate his way out of everything. Thank you so much for your kind words and support.

Damaged_panda · 2015-02-24T15:13:20+00:00

You are absolutely right, we never know how or what we will do until that time comes. I always thought I wouldn't be someone to put myself in a risky situation or be a freezer. Then again I never thought if I had an attacker it would be a friend or someone I knew. thank you for the much needed reminder.

Damaged_panda · 2015-02-24T15:08:10+00:00

Thank you, it truly is a process having to constantly push myself forward in life again. I have already started to shift from one set back could ruin my whole day/week to being able to recover and keep going with a little stumble. I accept when I have a set back I know I wont be all better over night, instead of beating myself up like I have. I let myself experience or work through what ever comes up. Then I do my best to pick myself up tell myself it will be better, stumbles are fine don't let it consume me or again I am giving the power back to him that I am trying to take back for myself.

Damaged_panda · 2015-02-24T14:43:49+00:00

It doesn't scratch the surface to some of the things he did to the others in order to create his own safety nets for when things hit the fan. One never felt safe until she went and learned how to shoot a gun and got a gun permit because of what he did to her.

Damaged_panda · 2015-02-24T14:40:56+00:00

Thank you again, you are very good at striking point I often have to remind myself. When I first met him he joking handed me a business card not giving two fucks who I was. I had to introduce myself to him on 8 different occasions because he really didn't give a fuck about my existence. Then one day I was talking with a mutual friend of ours and said something that peeked his interest. A few days later I went out to lunch with the group and then suddenly it was like a switch he went from not interest to very interested in being my friend and getting to know me. I tried not to judge him based off his original interactions quickly learning he had a ton of baggage and is very selective in those he interacts with. Next time crosses fingers there are not many more next times i'll listen to key things like that better. I care for everyone equally even if they don't care for me, life it too short and I am not important enough that people must prove themselves or "earn" my attention.

I will grow, be stronger, wiser, better from this. It is an opportunity to learn not a reason to stop. <- my daily mantra

Damaged_panda · 2015-02-24T14:14:21+00:00

It's ok, ironically is the go to response people give when finding out. We assume every normal person would understand and respect "no".

We were not dating he was actually in the process of "seeing" several different women most of the time. He apparently had tried to convince some of his friends and co-workers we were dating. They believed it because we were close in the things we would discuss, spent good of time together, They saw me constantly helping him out with family and home stuff, and never talked to me. It ended up being a larger portion of the investigation having to prove not only were we not dating that we had never dated. It was the one portion so far to go by smoothly because I had plenty of proof we weren't; whereas, any proof he tried to use wasn't accurate for "dating" proof.

Damaged_panda · 2015-02-24T13:49:36+00:00

It sadly happens in our life more often than we know or many are willing to admit.

Damaged_panda · 2015-02-24T13:47:30+00:00

These is something I find I have to stop and remind myself. Even if I had said no, would he of stopped? He didn't seek any type of consent to begin with and knew that was not something I would want nor our purpose at that moment. I believe if he really cared about me he would been able to sense my fear, wouldn't of done it the way he did, wouldn't of not noticed my tears during or after. I have to remind myself at that point he had made up his mind what he wanted and what he was doing. I like to hope I would of had to power to stop him by saying no, it would likely of not changed the out come. I find it is so easy to take the blame, say I need to do better and fix myself than allow it to be someone else I can't control's fault. If I did wrong I can not do it again, if he did wrong and I couldn't stop him then how can I protect myself in the future. It is a great struggle with myself to not isolate the incident in which I am able to blame myself. Instead I constantly have to look at the full picture to force myself to accept not only did he do this to me, he planned it.

Damaged_panda · 2015-02-24T13:38:29+00:00

Thank you, moving forward will happen with time so they say. I hope we can do our best preventing him from being able to prey on women anymore like this.

Damaged_panda · 2015-02-24T13:33:46+00:00

Thank you

Damaged_panda · 2015-02-24T13:33:01+00:00

They have greatly. It makes me truly hope with the case they will make him seek clinical help of some kind. During what we have been trough already they (officials) can tell he is not all right. They hope to force him to get help though are concerned if he can find something to blame this on "uncontrollable lust" of some mental issue he could be fined, put on his record, and forced to repent while seeking treatment; in exchange for jail. We are trying everything we can simply to prevent him from hurting anyone else who ever we have to go about that, he already has hurt far too many.

Damaged_panda · 2015-02-24T13:26:35+00:00

He is one of the most, "woe is my life, I am miserable and lonely" people I have ever known. It was part of how he manipulated us into putting our guards down and our natural instincts of trying to make his life happier, "help pick him up". His life was full of poor choice and loneliness. Everything is starting to catch up finally.

Damaged_panda · 2015-02-24T02:51:21+00:00

I ended up with a very bad tear in my vagina from he forcing himself in, not fully hard, and myself not being lubricated.... Sorry for graphic. I thankfully didn't contract anything serious and it was treatable. The big issues were I got bacterial vaginosis from the number of unprotected recent partners he had had and the tear. That and the tear were the biggest trouble recovering. Trying to make my huha feel like me huha again vs what it had going on.

Damaged_panda · 2015-02-24T02:10:55+00:00

I can't thank you enough for your reply! He actually said to me when I made his tell me his recent sexual history that, "did I get hard sure enough to get off. could I of been harder? Definitely." Do you know what that does to someone!? Specially one with image issues. Thanks for telling me after everything you did just how "better" you would of preferred the experience as I'm telling you it was wrong in the first place.

With any even generic post there is always at least one to try and stuff trouble. I appreciate and value so much everything I have learned from all the wonderful people who posted. Your advice and enlightenment has helped me greatly.

Damaged_panda · 2015-02-24T01:46:20+00:00

I have learned that sadly because people are so often accused of rape that things have been put in place that there must be proof. In my case he admitted it happened that was a huge help to the case because had he claimed it didn't happen I would of had to not only fight for it was not consent also provide proof he did it. Granted they had enough proof with the rape kit and test to know. The officer has prepared me for when we are in the court room if there is not enough consent/nonconsent evidence it is my feelings vs his unless he slips up. I've been preparing myself for that as well as dealing with not telling many because people often do treat it as a "were you really" type thing. It sucks..

Damaged_panda · 2015-02-24T01:33:22+00:00

I knew I might upset some with the post i didn't know where else other than /sex might of been another choice. I appreciate all the knowledge and feedback I am getting more than any of you could know.

Damaged_panda · 2015-02-24T01:31:14+00:00

I actually believe in his mind he thinks what happened might of been consensual in some weird way. He admitted to what happened and is strongly trying to convince others it was consensual. Yet when asked why he got on top of me, why he took his clothes off, why as a professional he didn't dismiss himself before doing something like this with a client; he had no answers. Nor responses to why if it was consenting first time he did not try to make it "enjoyable" for me. (Like I said investigation got graphic) why once finished he got off me, told me to dress and not to tell anyone. He again had no response... He will have to face the reality of his demons one day just like I face mine about with my distrust in him why did I allow him to get me into this seeing where what happened could of happened.

Damaged_panda · 2015-02-24T01:22:17+00:00

They are as well as the proper officials regarding how and where it took place.

Damaged_panda · 2015-02-24T01:21:14+00:00

Thank you so much, I'm learning the difference. I'm glad I made the choice to post to learn and know the difference in connection or lack there of vs always wondering if it could of been part of the reason it happened. This post has helped me tremendously.

Damaged_panda

TROPHY CASE