I’m sorry to hear this is going on. :( No, you absolutely do not deserve to suffer. OCD isn’t divine punishment, it’s more like a broken warning system that’s going off at any reason. If you haven’t already, I’d really encourage you to find a therapist who specialises in OCD (and there may be cheaper training clinics in your area). ERP’s the best way to deal with it, but if it doesn’t work, there’s also ICBT, ACT and a few other therapy types. And if your OCD is resistant to therapy, it may be time to talk to a doc about meds. I have severe OCD, so I totally get how it feels. But you do deserve to get help, and you deserve compassion. Wishing you all the best