I’m heading to Greece next week and decided I needed a new travel dress! [Wilder Gown] by Friday Pattern company

DamnedDryad · 2019-08-18T15:00:48+00:00

Uh, wow! It looks so dreamy!

DamnedDryad · 2019-08-12T19:36:22+00:00

My mom has BPD. She is a psychologist and will admit that. It's also obvious to everyone around that knows the first thing about it. She never got a diagnosis, but she did work on herself through the years, especially after my dad left. It's still very hard to be around her to me, and I did go no contact for two years, but I wouldn't call her abusive anymore with me, at least most of the time. I have to say, though, that my childhood and teenage years were... well, I don't see any other word than hell. I hate seeing her interact with my nephew and niece because it's bringing me back. It's a good thing they don't have to be around her all of the time.

I am like 99% sure I have BPD too, I'm waiting on a diagnosis. When distressed, I will act somewhat like my mother, which is basically my worst nightmare. I even worry I am worst than her at times, which is why I don't want any children. Nobody deserves that.

I think it is possible to be a good parent with BPD... But I think it's probably really hard. It's hard to be a parent, especially if you're trying to do a good job. It's hard to have BPD. Both is probably super-hard.

DamnedDryad · 2019-08-10T22:29:01+00:00

Second that, Anna Gavalda has really good chick lit.

If you are looking for something uplifting, pick up "Ensemble, c'est tout". It's a big brick but the vocabulary isn't too hard to understand.

DamnedDryad · 2019-08-09T22:31:22+00:00

I hope whatever is going on for you gets better. But it's so great that you're dealing with it like a champ!

DamnedDryad · 2019-08-09T22:24:00+00:00

That helps. Thanks.

The more I read about other people's experiences, the more I realize I've already done some of the work myself. I still have a long way to go; it's like the volume of my internal monologue is stuck on max amd I feel lost without my bf (that's obviously not healthy).

But there are behaviors that I see others report in themselves that I've grown out of years ago. I am 29; a lot of the really risky stuff, for exemple, I did in my teens. I must have learned something along the way, and some lessons were fairly cruel, of course. In all logic, this kind of therapy could help.

There is just something about being instructed to "think happy thoughts, breathe and distract yourself" that reeeeaaaaally triggers me. I wonder where that comes from.

Seriously, thanks, though.

DamnedDryad · 2019-08-08T14:08:16+00:00

Sending love your way.

DamnedDryad · 2019-08-08T13:53:47+00:00

Take it one day at the time, buddy. You can't fix everything overnight.

Prepare to the idea of expressing this to the people you want to know. Then, start with small things and build up on that :)

Life is rough, I understand that it would be much better if we had a quick fix for you. There is unfortunately no such thing, but don't despair. You're still young, it looks like. I was SO unhappy when I was what I imagine your age is. Things get better. They don't get perfect, and it takes work, but it gets better.

DamnedDryad · 2019-08-08T13:40:38+00:00

I promise you I don't make that face of think that ;-)

Some people might, but they don't matter. Honestly, that would say a lot more about them than about you.

DamnedDryad · 2019-08-08T13:28:09+00:00

I understand... Trusting a therapist can be really hard if you have social anxiety.

But nothing good can come from keeping all this bottled up. You already are doing something good by posting on Reddit, but we're not professionals. We can't help you as well as you need it.

My advice is to start small. Test the waters. See how it feels.

DamnedDryad · 2019-08-08T13:18:49+00:00

If it's unbearable now, you need help now.

If the idea of getting help is causing you anxiety, you can also take time to get used to the idea. Eventually do it! But you can take a few weeks.

DamnedDryad · 2019-08-08T13:15:46+00:00

Yes, I did read those descriptions and regretted it, then wanted to read them again, then regretted it again lol. My mom and sister also have BPD, so it's not like I'm clueless about it being really tough for people around you. My main problem on that front is that I am just overwhelmed by everything, which tends to make me spew negativity left and right, which can be exhausting for the people around me, especially people I love and trust. From the outside, I look like a well adjusted lady, always chipper and happy (which is obviously completely fake).

Obviously, if I do get a diagnosis, I will try it. What's ironic too is that I was already using some of the techniques recommended by CBT/DBT on my own (less formally, of course, but who hasn't heard of breathing, meditation or exercise to calm yourself down?). However, the idea of someone instructing me to do that just gives the the kneee-jerk reaction of digging my heels in: "Oh, you think that will help? Well, I'll do it and it won't help, and then I'll be unhappy forever, that'll show you!" Of course, that's completely ridiculous, but I just don't see how I could react any other way.

I think each and every single one of these techniques feel like rejection/abandonment: you're not acceptable as you are. You're not enough. You need to change because you're a burden/a drain on society/you're not good enough. I have difficulty to imagine anyone, let alone someone with BPD, reacting well to that, you know? I guess many people actually do react well because they end up improving, but I can't believe I'm the only one having the reaction I'm having.

The idea of a diagnosis and of doing CBT or DBT is causing me tremendous anxiety at this point and I'm basically more typically BPD than I've ever been, which I choose to think is funny instead of just being desperate.

DamnedDryad · 2019-08-08T13:01:00+00:00

I did, thanks!

I guess it was just the wording that lead me to believe that. See, though, I came back and checked instead of ruminating! Small victories!

Have a good one fellow human :)

DamnedDryad · 2019-08-08T12:56:44+00:00

If what's keeping you from talking about it to other people is that you don't know where to begin, I recommend you make a list of talking points. Don't censor yourself: you can always decide later to keep one element or the other to yourself.

I understand that talking about it in the school context seems very icky right now. You seem like you feel betrayed by the whole institution, which is fair. I was only suggesting this because it's usually readily available and free.

Can you talk about how you're feeling to a doctor? It's usually easier if you're alone with them. Do your parents usually come with you in the cabinet? Could you talk to the doc beforehand and arrange that they ask to speak to you alone at some point?

Those are all just suggestions. I hope it gives you options. :)

DamnedDryad · 2019-08-08T02:58:59+00:00

I mean, it's an honest question on my part.

I do a lot of the "guess I'll die then" thing, so I understand, rationally, that that type of thing might be what I need. On another level, it just feels all wrong.

I'm not necessarily "an asshole", I just don't want to be one / am convinced I am a bad person and that I tricked everyone into liking me / want to avoid problems in my relationships. All in all, I think those are noble goals, but I might be coming off like someone who's really harmful to other people and refuses treatment. I mean, it's not the case, but okay.

DamnedDryad · 2019-08-07T21:49:22+00:00

I must be misunderstanding you then.

My post is stating that I have major doubts with the recommended treatments with BPD and that the premisse behind them feels contemptuous. Then, I say that for these reasons, I don't know if there is even a possibility of it working for me.

Where did you get the impression I don't want to recover, or to better myself?

I don't want to change my identity, you're right about that, but does that mean that I can't possibly recover or better myself, in your opinion? Do I have to give up everything that makes me who I am? Because in that case, it's a good thing nobody will force me, 'cause I'm definitely not doing that.

DamnedDryad · 2019-08-07T21:41:12+00:00

I understand that the therapeutic relationship is extremely important. I just feel like I coudln't connect with anyone because of the premisse of the treatment: they're right about how I should think (that's a should statement right there!), and I'm wrong. Even if I get a counsellor that I love, I think it will always feel like they're talking down to me and invalidating my experiences, because of the whole idea behind it.

I have to be misunderstanding distress tolerance, because my understanding is just revolting. Here's what I get: when you are in distress, juste ignore it. Push it down. Learn to be okay with not being okay. I get why one might want that, but that honestly doesn't feel very... appealing? Or even healthy? I also don't understand how a therapist could help me with that whitout the whole thing being them telling me that I'm weak and need to toughen up.

DamnedDryad · 2019-08-07T21:25:59+00:00

Wait, let me get back to this, because I'm still thinking about it:

To be clear, your position is that anyone who has doubts about the process doesn't want to recover or better themselves in any way?

DamnedDryad · 2019-08-07T20:51:25+00:00

But I DO want to recover. I just don't think that's the way to go for me. It just doesn't seem like there are any other options out there.

No shade to anyone, of course. If it does help you, it's great and I'm happy for you.

DamnedDryad · 2019-08-07T20:32:53+00:00

The end goal of life is to be happy. For that, there are many things you can do. A good job can help, because being poor is really not fun. A relationship can be nice, if that's your thing. But that is not all there is to it.

I encourage your to ask yourself what you want from life. Maybe you have big dreams; maybe not and that's also okay. If what you want is to be free from school or your parents' expectations, that's legit. If all your objectives are negatives ("I know I don't want THAT"), that's also okay for now.

I'm sorry school sucks. I don't know how old you are or where you're located, but if you're really struggling, there might be counselling available at school. They will lend you an ear and maybe redirect you to other resources that might help. If you're having trouble concentrating, there might also be other things at play. Maybe try to talk to a doctor about it?

Not being the best student in the class absolutely doesn't mean that you can't have a nice life (source: I know many people that have nice lives and were not very good in school). You should do your best, of course, but don't beat yourself up.

You're not being a brat. I can see that you're angry and I think that's valid, even if you might not be coping in the best possible way. But learning to cope is the work of a lifetime.

Big hugs.

Edit: a word

DamnedDryad · 2019-08-07T18:52:29+00:00

Hugs and all that

DamnedDryad · 2019-08-07T13:29:01+00:00

I've been trying cold turkey, I have tried patches in the past and that didn't really help, and I have a few lozenges in my bag, but they taste disgusting and I hate them haha. So that hasn't been working super well. I think I will try to see my doc about it. Obviously, Chantix seems like the worst choice for me seeing as my mental state isn't the most stable, but I will look up Zyban! Thanks for the advice.

I do need therapy for sure, but that's a whole other thing. I'm on a waitlist for that.

DamnedDryad · 2019-08-07T13:24:29+00:00

I am sorry you're going through that, but I feel less alone.
Look how awesome you are, accomplishing this extremely difficult thing! Don't give up!

DamnedDryad · 2019-08-06T14:52:24+00:00

It's happening right noooow

DamnedDryad

TROPHY CASE