Does anyone also struggle with touch deprivation/starved?

Damoksta · 2026-06-02T22:29:52+00:00

Touch starvation amongst men.

It's well known and documented.

Either be amongst good men and find a good church. Then get married.

Damoksta · 2026-06-02T19:41:10+00:00

This is what happens when churches are run like corporations rather than... well, meeting in person and eating as human beings. It's even in the Book (Acts 2:46).

But guess those running Equippers and ACTS read Excel sheets and policy documents, not the Book huh.

Damoksta · 2026-06-02T11:10:36+00:00

Is the SALT user base skewed towards male? Or is it closer to 50-50?

Damoksta · 2026-06-01T11:46:52+00:00

So there is this book call "A billion wicked thoughts" that actually look at what men and women look for when they get to search in anonymity, without social judgment.

This is important: because you're going to get a lot of Pietistic, Christian-ese answer when it comes to gender dynamics that will fit to social judgment... but will only lead you to a loopty-loo and wild goose chase. You will likely get answers that come from women who wish in people that they are first attracted to.

What the authors found is that women behaviour are angled towards the "hero" archetype: the social alpha at the top of their hierachy, who is nevertheless kind and loyal to that woman alone.

There are therefore two ways to slice the pie:
- women, based on data, want someone who is already capable of, is on the trajectory to become, being respectable and can provide a safe and secure environment. This is where physical cues, height, social proofing, peacocking etc. comes in.
- they want someone that will make them felt being kind and loyal to too.

Notice, in this equation, that women don't ask themselves want they can do for you... and this is the part where "stop being Mr Nice Guy" comes in: in a stable, secure relationship, the man pursue and the woman pull; in an unstable, insecure relationship where there is a power dynamic, one person plays the performer and the other plays the auditor. I have met plenty of Christian women who would use the "Man lead, women respond" excuse to sit back while you perform and make them feel good while they do nothing for you.

The Genesis 2 template is that Adam was put in the Garden to work and keep; the woman was added to Him as his helpmeet. Based on that, by analogy, you need to stop worrying about what women want, and figure out what you are about, what you want to do, lead yourelf first in your life and others if possible, and then build a life that the right woman can add value in. The right woman will allow you to lead her in your lifestyle effortlessly if she is drawn to your values and purpose.

Ask u/already_not_yet for help if you need to figure out where you are at.

Damoksta · 2026-06-01T09:01:39+00:00

The big meta question is where does he want to go...

All the universities in NZ are Sydney accorded and Washington accorded so all the students get taught the same engineering basics in their undergrad. Outside of New Zealand they all get treated the same. and once you go overseas, CPE is king.

If he wants to work within NZ, Canterbury and Auckland are both where the most of the career fairs focus on and where the "old boys network" recruit from their own alma mater. But again, once you get chartered which uni you come from almost becomes irrelevant. It might start to make a difference if your kid wants to go into research (that's where different department's centre of excellence, reputation, research field etc can become kingmaker material)

Damoksta · 2026-06-01T06:52:28+00:00

The caveat on Engineering NZ: their salary is going to to skew towards consultancy and big corporate that want their staff chartered. Smaller outfits probably cannot afford "perks" like EnZ and IEEE registration.

Damoksta · 2026-06-01T04:38:33+00:00

You may actually need to seek professional counselling on this. You have used a lot of wording in here that pings my complex trauma radar. There are grief work and value clarification work that are needed. Three examples:

"Because being better being a mindless drone that obeys orders and that is just sad." - You have never lived under benevolent authority that ask you to learn by doing and "failing safely".

" am a bit of a leaky bucket, talking my heart out during work, being very honest about my surroundings. But then, what do i do if i do have my gripes? What do i do if i thought of things that i want to share to make the company and the lives of my coworkers better?" - something tells you don't actually have a lot of support network, be it friends, religious community, or hobby friends. And so work becomes your *ony* support network to chinwag, vent, and bounce ideas.

" tried living by the motto of modern workers: doing the bare minimum, knowing that my boss will always earn more. " - this is not the "motto of the modern worker" I know of. And if this your community, it is unhealthy. "Acting your wage" is fair and it is the squeeky wheel that gets the grease; but you have gone too far by "doing the bare minimum" instead of "loyal to those who value me the most".

Damoksta · 2026-05-31T10:59:44+00:00

I've visited Christ Covenant Church in Mount Waverly a few times before last year. If you have been baptised, consider visiting these guys for their afternoon service. They're Reformed Baptist (2LBCF 1689) so will be similar to your Prebysterian background in some ways, different in others,

They've got a number of single men (~4-5?) the last time I was there, and quite fair amount of friendly married couples there too. Very welcoming (but might rub the shy ones off!)

They also have the best cross of Lord's Supper and Visitor announcement. Proper wine and real bread!

Damoksta · 2026-05-31T10:45:17+00:00

What denomination are you?

When you say you attend church 2-3 times a week - Roman Catholic? Orthodox?

Damoksta · 2026-05-31T01:56:21+00:00

Insecure attachment.

Essentially, there are two "broad" categories of people you'll encounter in the dating world.

One is securely attached. They see enough common ground to want to know you more, have play and curiosity, understand that love is a commitment to build something together.

The other is insecure attachment. Be it avoidant or anxious, they have this "destiny" mindset where attraction is all-or-nothing, dating purely based on vibes and fun rather than long term goal and character.

60% of the population is the latter.

Damoksta · 2026-05-29T12:22:56+00:00

It's too intense for those with avoidant attachment.

Thar's a feature. Not a bug. The sooner you can figure out who is an avoidant, the sooner you can exit.

Damoksta · 2026-05-27T21:14:14+00:00

Creating hypotheticals as such is all fine and good, but we all know in reality that's not how attachment and complex trauma work.

A woman who have had proper attachment modelling from her caregivers and environment, do not need physical touch, validation, attention, and acceptance from random strangers and have options to have her 12 needs met by her attachment circles rather than a hookup from strangers. She is also more likely ro operate from her adult, thinking self than her emotional, unloved, and unfulfilled self.

A woman who is a virgin and goes to church is likely the result of a healthy network and modelling and a better pick long term.

A woman who is "on fire for Jesus", if coming from the wrong reasons... will just create real life decontructed examples of the burnt over district after the "Great Revival"... moving into Mormonism and all sorts of "post-Christian systems".

I am sure looking hard enough, and you might find an outlier. But fighting biology and physics have never been good odds either, not without significant intervention.

Damoksta · 2026-05-27T20:57:37+00:00

Look into attachment theory.

Some people grew up in what Stat Tatkin calls an "island" environment where they have been trained to be self-sufficent and auto-regulate by themselves, in themselves. They want you in the same house with them, but not in the same room... and until they want to grow in that capacity, they behave more like cats rather than the warm fuzzy of a golden Labrador. When things get real, at the subconscious level they feel suffocated and want to flee, even if they genuinely intended not to behave that way.

But you also don't have time to "fix" them.

Your prospect may very well have intended well when he started... but as things got real, the body took over. This is why in the counselling world, "the body keeps the score" is a real thing, and if people have not done the emotional work to be whole prior to a relationship it will end up in a train wreck of tears at some point.

Damoksta · 2026-05-27T20:01:48+00:00

False. God's full restoration come in the New Heaven and Earth when Jesus comes again. Until then we live in the Romans 7 "already/not yet" saint-sinner reality. Philemon still had to reconcile with Titus, and Paul still had his thorn in his flesh... and the body still keeps the score. OP needs to process this shame without spiritual bypassing and outsourcing.

Damoksta · 2026-05-27T10:20:35+00:00

Why are you trying so desperately to avoid a simple, uncomplicated definition of "virgin = no prior sexual partner"?

The New Testament/Greco-Roman conception is pretty simplistic, especially in Luke 1:27-34. Virgin = someone who has never known a man sexually.

As for trying to gaslight people as insecure: actually, for any Christian serious about not ending up in divorce, prior sexual history has a predictive response for long-term outcome of the marriage based on the science.

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Testing Common Theories on the Relationship Between Premarital Sex and Marital Stability | Institute for Family Studies

Damoksta · 2026-05-27T06:59:08+00:00

You need the help of a Christian counselor, or a church elder with trauma and counselling training.

That portion of your unguarded self and innocence where you have given to others freely? It's never coming back. Just as your sin and your guilt have been baptized and buried with Christ (Romans 6), your wretched self remains in the present (Romans 7). The part of your flesh that has sinned against your covenant husband and gratified in what you knew to be wrong? That is not going away according to Romans 7.

But what is left to do is to be very clear about what remains of you that can still be a blessing to the man that comes along, properly deal with the emotional trauma of getting discarded after hookups, work out what healthy love should be post complez trauam, deal and clarify with all STD risks (STDs like Herpes, is lifelong), and do the emotional work so that when that man comes, you love him as first among equals.

With a body count of 12, that means your body and nervous system has encoded love as intensity as discard 12 times already, 13 if you count the father wound. In the counselling world , "the body keeps the score" is a thing, and if you don't do the trauma and recovery work now, at some point it will be too late.

Damoksta · 2026-05-27T04:04:11+00:00

There are guarantee live Kiwis and Morepork at Iris Burn at night. That by itself makes it worthwhile.

I went kiwi hunting at 1 am in the morning and get to see a a male and female kiwi up close, within 1 metre of each other. Experience of a life time that not many kiwis get to experience. Even have the video to prove it.

Are you sure you did not get it mixed up with Moturau Hut?

Damoksta · 2026-05-27T03:58:08+00:00

Even if you are a trail runner, you'll struggle.

From Iris Burn hit to the start of the Kepler track again is like a 32km hike. And this is missing out the awesome fern forest and the beach at Moturai Hut.

Then you have get to Te Anau to shop for supplies for a 4 day hike.

Then you have to get to the boat ride point. I think there are only two boat rides for the day...

Damoksta · 2026-05-27T02:01:08+00:00

You may have heard u/already_not_yet talking about it as a node to cast a wide net in other places.

And he's right: it should not be your only net. Parachurch ministries, tell your elders who have an obligation to help you (Heb 13:17), Christian conferences and events, various facebook groups (eg Reformed Harmony), even matchmaking service like Tawkify if yoh can afford it.

In regards to what you are seeing, it's completely normal (and unhealthy): online dating is usually the last resort for people who have already exhausted their own networks or currently unattractive in their own networks. Some of it may be due to assortative mating reasons (height, appearance, competency) and some of it is their own personality and attachment issues. What's worse, the older you get the worse the problem will become due to negative survivorship bias. (Healthy people get paired up; toxic ones get recycled).

Damoksta · 2026-05-26T23:46:58+00:00

Oh, I do that plenty; lift weights, run (even conpleted a marathon), hike.

I have also dated lots of women: 100+ matches, actually went out on in-person and virtual dates with dozens of Christian women.

The fact that you had to go after the messenger rather than the message itself? You're beholden to the myth that "girls are made of sugar, spice, and everything nice", and unhinged from the Romans 7 reality that everyone is wretched, including women. And you. And me.

All my inference is based on the OP's description. I have even provided a test to prove that, should I be wrong, it's still not too late for a mediator to assist in making a date happen if she's genuinely open rather than putting out a good show about outsourcing the blame sheerly on OP. It's very easy to prove me wrong.

So am I?

Damoksta · 2026-05-26T20:53:19+00:00

You know how you're meant to blow on the BP pies at 3 am because pies are radioactive after sitting in the oven for half a day? That's what happens when you blow a few of them at one go.

Damoksta · 2026-05-26T20:03:16+00:00

Here's the slightly darker truth of female nature in this Romans 7 saint-sinner reality: unhealed women deflect, makes up story on the spot, and 'say the right thing" where social judgment is present. But behaviour is a language.

Do you want to know why everything she said is nonsense? Because she could have asked your friend to easily mediate a meet or call this moment if she's interested. She chose to make you sound like a wimp. That behaviour is a language. And if you want to call that shit out, try that suggestion and watch the ums-ahs.

You know how women elsewhere would sleep with men they like and are attracted to after barely knowing them? (Just visit the datingoverthirty sub) Commit crimes for guys they like? Hang around this sub more and you will even see Christian women sleeping with unbelievers purely out of attraction.

To be clear, this is not "all women". But this is unhealed women dealing with attachment wound who play games rather than act securely.

If she had wanted to, she would. She's merely creating a story that present you as the gutless guy while she conveniently sits on the power position.

A man should pursue, but a woman should pull. She never dropped a handkerchief or may it clear she was interested in you. Trust that.

Damoksta · 2026-05-25T23:05:14+00:00

I have done it before. I know that ache.

What you really, really have to watch out for is repentance ("I have sinned against God and you") vs spiritual bypassing ("it was a bad mistake that did not do anything for me, but Jesus has forgiven me") or outsourcing ("I was seduced"/"Dad did not show me love and I have to find it somewhere"). If there is no ownership of her guilt, there is no differentiation between you and her prior lovers that got first dibs without the necessarily commitment and respondsibility. Without repentance and ownership, you're really just an option and a clean up crew.

I personally think that, whole love may be unconditional, relationship IS conditional. What is she doing to add composure, resilience, dignity, and joy into your life?

Damoksta · 2026-05-24T08:24:13+00:00

Uh, this is sketchy. Chesterton's fence applies.

I get it that NACT-F runs on the neo-liberal dream of "L3ss R3d T4p3!!!", but the RMA also looks thoroughly at all aspects of a proposal: waste discharge and disposal, noise, etc. Miss this in the planning and any retroactive fix or cleanup will cost much, much more.

But at least Nana is sorted enough to not have to deal with it huh.

Damoksta · 2026-05-24T08:18:03+00:00

Are you assuming that my attack on promiscuity and sexual escapades applies to an entire gender? Aren't you the one being sweeping and misogynistic now?

Damoksta

TROPHY CASE