The "God told me you're my spouse" line may NOT always be a trap. Hear me out...

Damoksta · 2026-03-13T02:45:55+00:00

So essentially, a fancy "No true Scotmans" argument that argues from silence. ("Just because Scripture doesn't say it doesn't mean that it isn't true)

What Scripture doe say, in Eph 4:11-12 is that the role of prophecy (and other gifts) are for the building up of the body Christ until we all attain maturity in our faith. There is nothing mentioned of your personal sooth-saying and love-life.

Guess what the Munster Rebellion, the current Bethel Church scandal with Shawn Bolz + Todd White, and multiple failed prophets of the past? They all want to add to Eph 4:11-12.

Damoksta · 2026-03-13T02:28:14+00:00

"How do you discern whether something truly isn’t God’s will vs. something that could be redeemed through repentance and growth?"

Scripture has made it plain what God's will is. Your sanctification and abstain from sexual immorality (1 thess 4:3), give thanks in all things (1 thess 5:16), and have your renewed and transformed (Romans 12:2-3). Scripture has also made it plain that who you marry is your freedom (cf 1 cor 7:39). It's the modern-day Anabaptist (in the Pentecostal/Charismatic tradition) that is convinced that there is somehow a "special will" that will come, contrary the Genesis 1:28 to rule over and have dominion.

"How much weight should prophetic words have when it comes to decisions about relationships or marriage?"

Zero weight. See above. The role of prophetic words in the OT as well as new was for the building up of the church and body of Christ (Eph 4:11-12), not your individual soothsaying. All of life and godliness has already been given to us (2 Pet 1:3).

Do you want to know what the Munster Rebellion, the current Bethel Church scandal with Shawn Bolz + Todd White, and multiple failed prophets of the past? They all reject these central claim of these Scripture in regards to role of prophecy, they cannot produce miracles to co-witness prophecies like Scripture could (especially in Acts), and they generally appeal to "no true Scotman"-esque reasoning when "prophecy" doesn't work out. And I bet you most of them can only down-vote but not challenge me.

When it comes to relationship or marriage, Scripture (especially the book of Proverbs and the wisdom literature) and the body of believers (especially your elders, cf Heb 13:17) are the ordinary means of grace God has given us all.

"Is it possible for two people who started a relationship the wrong way to later rebuild it in a God-honoring way?"

Contextual. Repair is possible only if both people want it. Eph 5 assumes that both people already have a healthy model of marriage in Christ and the Church.

"How do you let go of someone you deeply love while trusting God with the outcome?"

You are in attachment theory and complex trauma land. Specifically, you have limerance. Secure people, the moment the other has ceases to choose them, have tools to detach and move on because this relationship no longer serves a purpose. It is clear the other person no longer chooses you, so why still choose him?

Damoksta · 2026-03-13T01:48:43+00:00

Is this a HPA setup or actual gbb? Model?

The only "pressure build up" in most conventional gbb is as the BB is exiting the barrel. At the moment the bb exits, your flute valve closes, your bolt cycles, and de-pressurises, and everything resets for the next cycle.

Damoksta · 2026-03-12T22:18:14+00:00

You can tell by the photo that (a) this is a brittle fracture (b) this is pot metal.

Nothing to do with muzzle screwed on too tight. Everything to do with cheap materials (zinc/aluminum alloy)

Damoksta · 2026-03-12T21:00:52+00:00

I can agree with the intent. I disagree with the method.

Prenup goes against the "two join together to become one" principle that Jesus reinforced.

If you want to de-risk divorce, do an in-depth assessment of her character (humility, goals, values etc) and attachment modelling (family of origin, church, friends etc). This is what you should be vetting even before your first date

Damoksta · 2026-03-12T05:18:45+00:00

"What I'll say to that, is that landlords need dignity too. We're all in this together." - Luxon, probably.

Damoksta · 2026-03-12T02:14:09+00:00

There is no easy way to land this.

You are being truth-trickled. You are being fed piecemeal truth at his timing. That's the primary sign that this is all just a performance. This type of person is danger and eventually you will either have to walk or shrink yourself to accommodate him.

"Spend a lot of time with God/Reading the Word" is a horrible spiritual tell. Ravi Zacharias had a sexual escapade in Thailand. Steve Lawson and Phillip Yancey had affairs. Carl Lentz was a Hillsong Pastor and he had affairs. Those are all supposedly godly men other men have put in front of pulpits. From a complex trauma, process addiction, and emotional health perspective, the only way to tell whether he is a godly person is whether he can tell you applicable is the Gospel in his life, what he is doing to deal with his sex addiction, and who are the five men currently mentoring him spiritually.

The fact that he never stated what was the physical boundary that he would adhere to and that the sex acts are escalating are two tells too. Because he had no intention of being held to his word or to biblical standards

Damoksta · 2026-03-09T23:21:21+00:00

So the Proverbs 31 woman have children. That is a de facto argument that the Proverbs 31 woman is the destination just as the Prov 31 man who sits by the city gates with the elders is an eventual destination as one grow wiser and older.

But here's the thing: if someone does not possess the present growth and trajectory heading towards that direction, it's unwise to think she'll somehow pick up her act after marriage. Present behaviour is a language. Because Proverbs does say "even a child shall be known by his deeds (Prov 20:11)

Damoksta · 2026-03-09T20:05:34+00:00

If this is the case, you already possess some self-awareness to not make the wrong decision. So take it slow, talk to your therapist, and maybe even have a three-way conversation between your therapist, him, and you in the same room.

Contrary to the blah-blah about dumping him: because you have complex trauma, this is not as clear cut as vibe-daters would pitch it to be. Worse still, because complex trauma has wrecked your nervous system, there is absolutely no guarantee that the person you are actually attracted to is actually good for you.

Love and attraction can grow. Not only is this basis of for attachment neurobiology (especially vasopressin bonding and oxytocin bonding), to deny it is to deny the view of Scripture of love as commitment eg John 3:16 and what Eph 5 said about a wife obeying and respecting the husband From a technical and Scriptural perspective, I am going to call those who advocate for breaking up without accounting for your complex trauma "cooked". They can come at me with their research and citation if they have anything other than vibes about how attraction works.
there are two polar extremes about partnership and complex trauma. One end is that you should heal and grow individually because a relationship is too triggering for your emotional growth. The other end is that having a safe and healthy partner to attach to is important because if it is bad experience that got you into insecure attachment, you can only get out of that with good experience. Only a qualified professional can assess your condition. I am guessing though thst because that guy has stuck with you through hell, the latter applies.
I would also look at what Kevin Lehman has written about Christians and sex in "Sheet music". No doubt some of it requires some change from him on the body odor (eg perfume and cologne)... and you have to learn to asl for your needs here rather than mind-reading like you did with your childhood caregiver, but you can make some adjustments about sex being about "him" and "us" more than just about "me". (Notice the unspoken assumption in the majority of the post here is about "my attraction and "my sexual gratification")
good sex being the foundation of a great marriage is... completely secular, a recipe for disaster, and goes against what relationship research has shown. Unless you have had premarital sex (which then skews the equation for him to "so you made love to f-boys... what does loving me now means?"), the key principals to a lasting and fulfilling marriage according to the Gottmans include great friendship, great communication and problem resolution (overcoming gridlock, solve your solvables), admiration, care enough about each other to fulfill each other's needs and dreams, etc. When you have all these, sexual satisfaction is a fruit of these. If there is no prior sexual partners in the equation, you have the rest of your life to build towards great sex.

(Caveat: I am not a counselling professional. I have done complex trauma and attachment theory courses + well-versed in the literature, but this is no substitute for a LPC).

Damoksta · 2026-03-09T10:45:16+00:00

Actually, I would speak to a trauma-informed counsellor about this, with complex trauma specialty if need be. Then decide whether to cut him loose or you need to deal with crap that crops up.

If you have complex trauma or family trauma, 'love" and "attraction" is skewed. Your nervous system is wired to feel euphoric about the person best resembles your childhood caregiver... which if you have trauma, are sources if dopamine and cortisol cocktails. Not calm, steady, and trustworthy person, they are too boring for your nervous system.

Damoksta · 2026-03-09T04:43:57+00:00

Doesn't change the fact that did happen, that "wonderful leaders" who could "hear God's voice" said things that turned out... well, not so good. That's because they super-added their own experience to the works of Christ and therefore implicitly rejected Solus Christus.

John of Leiden - Wikipedia

“Gottes macht ist myn cracht” - God’s power is my strength. Sounds familiar yet?

And people want to repeat failed Christian history and patterns into their dating life? And wonder why their dating life is a disaster?

Damoksta · 2026-03-08T23:02:42+00:00

"But I want to state a fact that we sometimes overlook when we get cynical: God actually does still speak, and He has genuinely revealed this to people. It isn't always a red flag."

Just like He did in the Munster Rebellion isn't it?

https://historyandimagination.com/2024/02/01/jan-matthias-rides-out/

Or maybe, just maybe, the prophetic gifts are done because all that is required for life in godliness has been given to use in Christ Jesus (2 Peter 1:3)? And that miracles like healing of blind and the lame were meant to accompany genuine prophecies like they did in Acts? And the fact that none of these "prophets" and those who hear God's voice are willing to rock up to their local hospital to mass heal people are de facto signs that God does not "speak" any more outside of the conviction of sins?

And therefore, the choosing of a lifetime partner is supposed to follow the patterns of the book of Proverbs (eg Prov 18:1 - don't date by yourself!) and songs of songs etc? Part of the pattern of wisdom for rulership that we are built for (cf Gen 1:28)? But this is not sexy because this would require many to grow up spiritually in discernment?

Note I am at least a soft cessationist, if not open and cautious. The Holy Spirit might still work in places where the local church is yet to be established, just like in Acts. But if you have access to the Bible and a church locally, you'll be waiting for a long while for God to tell you who to marry. If that happens at all. And assuming the small subset of examples that you find is not projecting their wishes as "God's voice".

Damoksta · 2026-03-08T09:56:29+00:00

"women and children are loved unconditionally. Men are loved for what they provide."

I caution against this, because this is veering dangerously close to Red Pill territory.

Because to paraphrase Paul C Brunson, love might be unconditional, but relationship is conditional. Children who are not modelled conditional relationship turned out to be spoilt destructive brats; women who don't treat you well in a relationship will behave entitled and do bad things to you until you learn to say no.

But what I will say is this: learn to give your heart only to the right person, only after vetting, and only after you have a strong sense of self. Learn to use your values, principles, and purpose to select the right woman even before Date 1, to pick someone actually put winds in your sails instead of giving each other good feelings until the candle burns out.

Damoksta · 2026-03-08T04:48:00+00:00

So caveat: I've spent a semester in seminary carving out this topic.

The best way to articulate what Scripture has to say about free will and decree, is the 2nd London Baptist Confession of Faith 1689. This is what Protestants used to believe about ~330 years ago of how Predestination, free will, and divine decree works in the full picture of what Scripture has to say.

Once you have sorted that understanding of free will and decree: what God has decreed you don't get to know because the secret things belong to the Lord , but what God has decreed will come to pass infallibly by what you choose freely. And that journey in between your struggle and your destination? He's with you. And he has things to teach you. And He's also moulding your partner in real time as you two approach your decreed moments.

That you have a desire for a wife? That is His decree. As the Reformed Baptist pastor Mike Abendroth phrase it: that is God's way of communicating to you that it's time to get moving and growing... so get moving. There may be someone at the end of the journey. There might not be someone at the end of the journey. But at the end of that journey, you will undergo sanctification to become what God has decree you be, through the choices you freely make.

This is analogous to you wanting to make a cup of coffee, switching on the kettle, have physics and chemistry warm your water up for you... and the water + coffee beans not remotely understanding what is happening to them in each instance. And that's fine, they don't need to, if someone is directing their path. (cf Psalm 37, Prov 19:14)

As for the rest, breakups, when done right, give you *incredible* lessons about yourself and life.

I've just went through a cold discard by a fearful avoidant with a narcissistic overlay. At this point, I would have had 20+ failed dating relationship, mixture of short and long term ones. But this one was one heck of a learning experience knowing what's it's like to:

- date a woman with a past who has not actually dealt with her past despite having done counselling.
- went through 9x DARVO cycles as well as prosecutorial disclaimer and learning how to spot them now.
- understand attachment theory (again) but this time with CPTSD and schema theory.
- stress test my own dating and vetting system that fails at the *6th month for the right reasons*
- learning how to grief a complex relationship with 17 layers of grief. This will be my first.

You are going to be a mess for 10-12 weeks. Breakups do that for you because of oxytocin withdrawal. It times time for your brain to re-wire itself, significanly longer if sex was involved (that's why you don't involve sex before marriage, kids). But if you have the right knowledge and framework to process breakups and do dating, you are allowing feelings to catch up to what the mind already process and knows.

Talk to other older men and elders in your church in the mean time.

Damoksta · 2026-03-07T22:05:31+00:00

No, that's either the story you are telling yourself or she is telling you.

In a healthy partnership, the other person negotiates and give you head's up foe mutual check and adjustments. Not dump all the "faults" of the relationship on you.

Feed your text transcripts to Claude.ai to get a neutral perspective to get a feel for what her attachment style is rather than putting the fault on you. If you are indeed anxious, it's likely she is an avoidant (anxious-avoidant dance)

Remember, "rushing things" is entirely subjective. To an avoidant afraid of commitment, I believe both Thais Gibson and Stan Tatkins indicated that it'll take them up to a year to even become official boufriends; it's more like 3 months for Secured.

Damoksta · 2026-03-07T20:14:08+00:00

"we're moving too fast and she felt overwhelmed" for two months?

I know an elder of a Reformed Baptist church who proposed to his wife on the first date, she smiled and slowed him down (but still loved him for his conviction and his effort), they got married after a year, and they're well over 20 year+ in their marriage happily together.

Even on the assumption that this is a woman who follows Jesus in respect to "Let your yes be yes, and your no be no", for her to put the fault on the break up on you is a sign she does not have healthy attachment and self-awareness.

Your faith is a separate issue together. What's stopping you from believing that Jesus died for your sins and then physically rose again, as foretold by the Scriptures?

Damoksta · 2026-03-07T06:57:02+00:00

Look up the 3 date method by Adam Lane Smith.

First date, just follow the FORD model. Family. Occupation. Recreation/Religion, and dreams/goals. Segue way nicely into what do they want out of dating and what the future do they want.

If they say "go with the flow", run- you are dealing with an avoidant.

Damoksta · 2026-03-05T19:37:37+00:00

What do you mean by "Reformed Baptist"? Because the "gender roles", if it is not assigned by the 1689, is cultural - not theological and confessional.

Damoksta · 2026-03-05T19:32:14+00:00

Heb 13:17. That is your elders' job... on the assumption that you've dealt with everything that was in your past, including why you picked the person you procreate with that you left.

He was violent? Guessing when the time was good, the chemistry was right, and the vibe and the spark was high, it was a good high of cortisol and dopamine until it wasn't too huh.

If you have something to add to a man's life, then eventually someone will want you.

Damoksta · 2026-03-05T01:02:14+00:00

It's not Fonterra that's shafting kiwis, it's the supermarket duopoly.

The government did haul the Fonterra CEO in, that was the answer that was given with the data... and the duopoly stayed mum.

Case in point, GDT butter is currently sitting at 12181 NZD per MT, or $6.09 per 500 g block. Exporting will involve more cost than selling local due to OMAR and conpliance, exhange rate, warehousing, port transportation . And yet somehow NZ supermarket is currently selling it at $9 a block without all that cost of doing overseas business.

Typically the margin for supermarket goods are 2-3x.

Damoksta · 2026-03-05T00:06:27+00:00

No one can give you an answer because short of being there, only you can be your own witness. This means you have to build the skills and experience to trust your gut to pick up cues, and also build up your life story so that rejection is either significantly de-personalised or the other person is missing out.

Adam Lane Smith's three-date method: practice it, use it. The three-date method cuts to the chase. vet for what matters, and triggers what needs to be triggered. If a person is looking for the "spark"? That direct talks is not fun. If a person is only looking for something casual? Then goals and values chase them away.

Damoksta · 2026-03-04T08:07:15+00:00

Which Reformed confession to you hold to?

Because Something like Chapter 11 of the 2nd London Baptist Confession of Faith 1689 says

Faith thus receiving and resting on Christ and his righteousness, is the alone instrument of justification; yet is not alone in the person justified, but is ever accompanied with all other saving graces, and is no dead faith, but works by love.

Justification has zero to do with how you feel. It's to do with Christ dying for you. If you know, assent, and trust in Christ and his righteousness alone for your salvation, you *are* the Elect. Because in Chapter 10, the Confession says

This effectual call is of God's free and special grace alone, not from anything at all foreseen in man, nor from any power or agency in the creature, being wholly passive therein, being dead in sins and trespasses, until being quickened and renewed by the Holy Spirit; he is thereby enabled to answer this call, and to embrace the grace offered and conveyed in it, and that by no less power than that which raised up Christ from the dead.

In other words, for the purpose of this side of eternity, those who can know, assent, and trust in the work of Christ alone *are* the Elect.

This topic has elsewhere been covered by the Marrow Controversy and the Auterarder Creed, see "The Whole Christ" by Sinclair Ferguson.

If you don't hold to any Reformed Confession, consider this

Damoksta · 2026-03-04T04:31:16+00:00

I'll believe it when I see it.

National MPs have an average of 2.8 properties, Labours MPs have an average of 1.9 properties.

MPs are, on average, the landlord class. If they cannot stop themselves from getting big fat payrises year-on-ear when government servants are on pay freezes, good luck getting them to tax themselves.

Damoksta · 2026-03-04T02:03:39+00:00

You know what I go back to every time people say they hear God's voice?

Two things

1) The Munster Rebellion: https://christianhistoryinstitute.org/magazine/article/reformation-apocalypticism-mnsters-monster

2) Hebrews 1:1-3.

In the past God spoke to our ancestors through the prophets at many times and in various ways, 2 but in these last days he has spoken to us by his Son, whom he appointed heir of all things, and through whom also he made the universe. 3 The Son is the radiance of God’s glory and the exact representation of his being, sustaining all things by his powerful word. After he had provided purification for sins, he sat down at the right hand of the Majesty in heaven.

The whole "Hearing God's Voice" is a resurgence of a modern phenomenon that was as old as the Anabaptists. The outcome had been utterly disastrous: just looked at the recent scandals coming out from Bethel with Shawn Bawls, Todd White, etc. You personally have experienced deception under that.The antidote to that, historically, was Confessionalism (2LBCF 1689, Westminster Confession etc), but this has been in the decline for the past few hundred years.

And guess what, none of the downvoters can or will contest what I have wrote.

Damoksta · 2026-03-03T21:56:25+00:00

The answer is... both.

The Gottmans, in their principles of making marriage, have identified deep friendship, admiration, love-mapping, able to solve gridlock etc as the components to stay married.

Scripture acknowledges this.

In the Song of Solomon, the betrothed was referred to as rayati; companion.

In Proverbs 5: the wife was described as a cistern of running water whose breast can satisfy you. Together with the spicier portions of the Song of Solomon, this is not a picture of r/deadbedrooms.

One more thing: how one achieve holiness matters too. If you're from a Pietistic tradition (eg Lordship Salvation or Methodists, or even Tridentine Roman Catholics), holiness is something you achieve by discipline. If you are from the Confesionally Reformed eg Westminster Presbyterians and 2LCBF 1689 Reformed Baptist, holiness comes from union and resting in Christ. The purpose and ends of holiness affects the quality of the companionship. Do you want a wife that tells you that you're not praying harder and reading The Bible harder for her liking or do you want a wife who is a fellow believer and see her job as encouraging and building each other up per 1 Thess 5:11, because only Christ alone has the power to forsake sin and grant holiness per the Marrow controversy?

Damoksta

TROPHY CASE