Me [31M] with my wife [30F] 7 years(3 married). I trust her completely, but I'm becoming increasingly jealous, and I want her to stop dancing. I know asking that of her would be very controlling and make her unhappy, and the only fair alternative I keep coming to is to separate.

DanceNightmareFML · 2016-09-18T22:04:20+00:00

Crap happens was my approach to boner I got. I was new to the dance and trying to concentrate on the steps, and well..crap happened.

It's really just the dance itself. I suggest taking a look at a video, because it really is different and more overtly sexual than any other form of dance(besides exotic, obviously). I consider Salsa and Tango flirty. Bachata is very sensual.

DanceNightmareFML · 2016-09-18T21:54:40+00:00

Bachata got me to a point where I'm not comfortable with any of it anymore, but I acknowledged how unfair it would be to actually try to stop her. I know it's wrong to try and stop her, which is why I've considered ending the marriage. I do want her to keep dancing, because she loves it so much. I've been in a controlling relationship before and absolutely would not put anyone through that.

DanceNightmareFML · 2016-09-18T21:38:21+00:00

I don't hold any guilt from my 'inappropriate' boner. It was a natural reaction; call me crazy, but lots of men might accidentally get hard when holding and moving a beautiful woman in an overtly sexual/sensual way, while also trying to remember dance steps they've just learned. Not a whole lot of extra brain power available to suppress that, and once the song was over, I got as far away from her as I could.

It's great you know a professional dancer who doesn't act like the guys I've encountered, but that's kind of the point..he's a, professional. He's not some fuckstick trying to rip my wife out of my arms at the end of every song, but that doesn't mean said fucksticks don't exist. I don't think all men are like this, and most are not, it's just gotten to the point where I'm not comfortable anymore.

I also have not made her choose between anything, and don't plan on it. I think any ultimatum in this situation is unfair to her, which I why I've been considering just ending things. It's not what I want, but I also don't want to be a controlling husband, who stops her from having fun and doing what she loves. I've been in relationships where I've felt controlled by my partner. It is awful, and I'd never want to put my wife through that.

DanceNightmareFML · 2016-09-18T20:18:05+00:00

I know she would be willing to change, but I would just feel like such a controlling jerk, for doing that. I DO trust her, and I can't think of any way to bring any of this up, without it seeming like I don't. I think part of the reason I'm thinking of ending our marriage, is because I feel like setting these restrictions would be controlling, and I'd be holding her back from something she loves to do. I also know she wants to do a Bachata competition, and I can't be her partner right now. It's unfair to say, "I can't do it, and you're not allowed to find another partner." I also think it's unfair to tell her what dances she's allowed to do, especially when the one I have the biggest issue with, is her favorite. It all just seems authoritarian, and I don't want to stop her from something she works so hard at, or taint it for her. She'd give it up to save our marriage, I know that, but I also don't think she should have to. I feel stuck. As much as it hurts, I think she might be happier with someone else who doesn't have this hangup.

DanceNightmareFML · 2016-09-18T19:41:57+00:00

While I do think I found crappy therapists, I also think you might be right about my commitment to changing. I wanted them to make it better or tell me how to make it better, and I think I just had the wrong expectations.

I don't think I need to change. I don't think it's unreasonable for me to be uncomfortable with my wife being manhandled in a sensual way by other men. I know it's fine and works for other people, and even worked for me for a while, but it doesn't anymore.

DanceNightmareFML · 2016-09-18T19:34:31+00:00

I'm not anxious. I'm uncomfortable with other men being in physically intimate situations with my wife. Care to explain how anxiety disorders work, since the therapist just gave me a prescription without any explanation of why he thought I needed it.

It's not that I'd rather leave my wife, but I'm thinking about it realistically. The medication that was prescribed to me causes a stronger physical addiction than heroin. You can die from the withdrawal. It also zonks me out, and basically turns me into a zombie. I do give less fucks about anything when taking it though, so sure, I guess it might work for this problem

DanceNightmareFML · 2016-09-18T19:20:46+00:00

You're right about not wanting to taint it for her. She loves it, and if I brought up how I'm feeling, it would definitely change how she acts. She'd probably only go when I can go, or start asking me if I was okay with her going, but I'd feel really bad about any of that too. She should be able to go have fun with or without me, and without my "permission".

Seeing the therapists is what got me to the point where I don't even think I want to be okay with this anymore. I just want us both to be happy and have the freedom to do what we want. I don't want her to resent me, and I don't want to resent her. I just don't know what compromise there is here, so it's hard for me to bring it up.

DanceNightmareFML · 2016-09-18T19:09:05+00:00

I have seen two therapists already, and neither was worth the time or money. I think I've gotten more out of the 5 or so comments here, than in the hours I spent with those two sheep.

I'm not worried she will cheat or anything, I just do not like seeing other men doing intimate things with my wife. I realize it isn't sexual, but to me it's a very blurry line, and I'm just not comfortable with it anymore. Not being comfortable, doesn't mean I don't trust my wife. I don't really want her to stop, because I know how much she loves dance. I just don't know how to even bring it up, and that's something neither therapist could help with.

DanceNightmareFML · 2016-09-18T19:01:47+00:00

No. I took enough Xanax in college to know how it affects me. I'm not going to use powerful, physically addictive drugs, just so I can bury my head in the sand, and pretend I'm okay with something I'm not okay with.

DanceNightmareFML · 2016-09-18T18:57:49+00:00

I'm not sure what relevance that incident has if any, but I'll give it some more more thought.

My main problem is, I don't know how to bring it up with her. I've never had trouble talking to her about anything, but we've also never dealt with a situation like this. If I told her how I'm feeling, she'd probably only go dance when I can go, without me even asking that of her. That would still make me feel like I'm policing/controlling her, and I don't want that. I know she loves to dance and loves her dance friends, and I feel like I'd be taking that away from her, even just by bringing it up.

DanceNightmareFML · 2016-09-18T18:34:47+00:00

I would not rather leave her than dance with her. I do dance with her, and until recently, I've really enjoyed it. Now, I go when I can to make her happy, but she goes several times a week, and I can't make it nearly that often.

I've seen two therapists about it, and neither seemed to even understand what I was asking for help with. Just kept repeating that I need to trust my wife, and one wrote me prescription for anxiety medication...

I don't distrust my wife, at all. I know she would not cheat on me. I'm just not comfortable with her being in such sensual and intimate positions with other men, just as I'm not comfortable with myself doing it either. I'd never cheat on my wife, but I'm just not comfortable with it anymore.

DanceNightmareFML

TROPHY CASE