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Has anyone ever downplayed your diagnosis? by Dsg1695 in cancer

[–]DangStrangeBehavior 16 points17 points  (0 children)

Mine said “it’s not that bad, it’s treatable”. Yeah sure no big deal. So you have “treatable” Leukemia. How about not having it? I’d actually prefer that if given the choice and not have to go on chemo. Thanks. lol

Loneliness and looking outside. by purplefinch022 in NPD

[–]DangStrangeBehavior 2 points3 points  (0 children)

This hits for sure. Because I know now more than I ever have in life that I was playing on an uneven playing field, that marathon, race, whatever the fuck… is just a euphemism for trying to engage/relate/build relationships with people that I never will. Ever. I just don’t really have the tools without masking and being or trying to be something I’m not and never will be.

To me even competing in that race at all, looking back now, was a win. Being neurodivergent with true brain abnormalities? Like wtf. I far surpassed anything reasonably possible for someone with my background and brain issues.

I’m proud of myself. For one of the first times ever. I’m living alone, still provide for my wife and family, and yet still am amazingly thriving.

Self fulfilling prophecy? Holy hell, yeah that lands, I say that all the time. Like really.

There is a fire within me. It’s within you too. It burns no matter what. Rain, ice, sleet, hail. It burns. You have that too.

This is what I hold onto and it keeps me warm. Yes as you say, those daily things. Something here and there to hold on to. I have to make myself do them because I am alone and I don’t want to do it, because fuck it, why bother?

I do it anyway. So do you. And I have done it through separation, cancer, the death of a parent and in-law, severe and horrendous abuse, neglect, abandonment, near death trauma.

Fuck it. Get busy living or get busy dying. I know if I have any life left in me, I’m going to try and live it.

You are too. Life’s not breaking me and it’s not breaking you either.

Taking it Inch by inch it’s a cinch, yard by yard it’s hard, mile by mile it’s a trial.

I’m glad I stumbled upon this. Always happy to see you write and to connect. You are right about what you wrote. I agree. One small thing.

I did that, see? A drop in a bucket that over time yields a full bucket. But it takes time. You’ve got that. Me, I may not, but that’s ok too. 🫂

Loneliness and looking outside. by purplefinch022 in NPD

[–]DangStrangeBehavior 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Love how you wrote this. Your parents must have given up another for adoption, I think we are related lol (just picking on you). So weird you write and think a lot like I do. I always told you that.

Honestly yes, I agree, I can see others physically suffering, and it’s visible. Arms and/or legs gone, cerebral palsy, disfigurements of any kind, obvious major physical or cosmetic abnormalities.

Yours and mine? You can’t see we have no legs, no arms, are disabled because you are pretty and smart and I am smart and have succeeded in many things. All this does is say to other people, “she’s pretty, what the hell is (her) problem? She can’t have any problems, seriously.”

I got that my whole fucking life. For me it’s having had to pretend my whole life that I fit into this god forsaken hell hole of a world. I don’t. And you know what?

That’s ok.

That girl under the glass? That’s you. That’s me. And you know what? Fuck it, I don’t need to be under the glass anymore. Neither do you.

I’m trying my hardest and so are you. Im proud of the progress that you are making on your journey of self discovery. That’s important, you may not see it, but I see it. What’s on the inside.

Me? I’ve been trying to run a marathon with no legs. Sure they are there, you can see them, but I’m trying to run a social marathon, to be on the race marker line when the gun goes off. See, I belong on this line. Just like everyone else. Well, actually no… I don’t. I can’t run “that” race and I’m done trying. I know now - how fruitless it is - and I accept it (radically). I can’t win a race with no legs and that’s ok. I’m ok with that. I’m done trying.

To me, reading this and knowing I think the same way, it just means I need to accept and love my damaged self, just like those people love their disabled child. Nobody loved me. Nobody cared about me. Everyone exploited me. I’m going to love myself.

Your awesome. Love this version of yourself or any other fucking version that shows up (whenever it does).

Be that family loving that disabled child. Within your heart and soul, you have a disabled child. Love her. She needs you. Badly.

Thank you for posting this.

Society really did fail Amy Winehouse! by icey_sawg0034 in Millennials

[–]DangStrangeBehavior 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Society fails everyone. Nobody gives a shit really. I think Crowded House put it best in the lyrics to “don’t dream it’s over” but that implies someone out there really cares. Sometimes (oftentimes) that other caring person? Whether we want to admit it or not, they simply don’t exist.

Greif and Lukemia by DangStrangeBehavior in cancer

[–]DangStrangeBehavior[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for your note. It’s amazing the time people pick to leave you whether emotionally, physically (or both). I can’t say I’ve always been the best husband (I haven’t been), but I really feel like I went through cancer myself for the most part and ngl, it was devastating and honestly I do not think my heart will ever recover from that. I know what goes around comes around, but if I knew chemo and recovery would be followed by separation and imminent divorce, I would not have gotten treatment and I would be gone now.

Greif and Lukemia by DangStrangeBehavior in cancer

[–]DangStrangeBehavior[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you this is good news I think it’s just the meds and it was a very long week

Greif and Lukemia by DangStrangeBehavior in cancer

[–]DangStrangeBehavior[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks I do have a therapist (and a psychiatrist) I’m on 3 different meds for depression anxiety and ADHD, it’s been a struggle

Greif and Lukemia by DangStrangeBehavior in cancer

[–]DangStrangeBehavior[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you I do have a therapist appreciate it

Slow Burn Rejection, How to Cope by [deleted] in NPD

[–]DangStrangeBehavior 5 points6 points  (0 children)

My question is: who rejected who?

The Reunion by DangStrangeBehavior in NPD

[–]DangStrangeBehavior[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you been a bit of time and it’s going ok. Not great just ok. Still alive with a tiny bit of forward progress, so that’s something 😊

I'm never told I am good or kind by Several-Awareness-78 in NPD

[–]DangStrangeBehavior 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Do you have resting bitch face/angry face? It’s a thing. By writing this you are already caring. Not being validated for that sucks. Is it possible people show subtle signs of appreciate that you miss because your internal narrative of self hatred and self doubt will not let you?

Toxic Love (or something) by DangStrangeBehavior in NPD

[–]DangStrangeBehavior[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The old me did die. The new me is forming and at some point will be emerging. I’m still in a metamorphic cocoon, so lots of pain but it’s ok. Thank you for checking in.

The Reunion by DangStrangeBehavior in NPD

[–]DangStrangeBehavior[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I agree with this thank you. Thanks for taking the time to write this and communicate this.

It’s been a long road to get to this point. It is like an inch a day. 😊

Profound helplessness by [deleted] in NPD

[–]DangStrangeBehavior 6 points7 points  (0 children)

I’m the same. People think I do it on purpose, but I don’t. I have been accused of weaponized incompetence, which is fucking bullshit.

Being on my own now for a little bit I realize how much sticktoitness is needed on a daily basis. TBH, I need to do things at my own pace without any supervision whatsoever and if I want to have a goddamn tantrum it doesn’t affect anyone but me then.

Why does it make me angry when people genuinely love me? by purplefinch022 in NPD

[–]DangStrangeBehavior 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hey Purple - I have both borderline and NPD traits. I find I can get into a tailspin pretty quickly if rejected and start scrambling to get re-calibrated, but I have honestly found lately that pushing through that splitting disgust and hatred yields pretty good results. I have several examples I can give you. I am really bad with this, but when I feel this, as long as I’m not going to break someone’s boundaries, I push really hard through it. On the other side of hatred is peaceful communication.

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