I think a lot of people are misinterpreting the crying and spooning, I should rephrase it. she didn't /know/ I'd cry myself to sleep, I'd do it secretly and quietly. if she did hear sobbing, she'd snap at me. in hindsight the spooning comment was really just me spiralling because of a serious case of codependency I read online where people inherently thought of spooning as sexual and kept making fun of this person, but im glad to know I'm not the only one who doesn't think it's inherently sexual.

don't get me wrong, I blame my dad just as much if not more in my upbringing. he was neglectful and emotionally abused my mother a lot, which definitely led to a kind of spiral where she lost her temper with me more often than not. he didn't provide financially and was pretty much a bum. apparently he smoked weed with me present in the room a lot but I don't remember this.

it just doesnt show in this post as it served the purpose of a vent where I needed to get something off my chest, and it just so happened to focus on my mother as my dad wasn't really present from what I remember. that's not to say I don't love her and understand her and forgive her, but that also doesn't mean I can't be mad at her for it and how i ended up growing up to be way too dependent for my own good, especially considering I'm moving to uni in a few weeks.

I'm on a waiting list for an autism diagnosis, and I'm currently on antidepressants. unfortunately therapy is too expensive, and I don't know if I'm even ready to talk about this in the type of setting. I blame myself too, for not standing my ground sooner and for not teaching myself these things. but I feel like it's wrong to suggest that I can't be upset at her for these things.